I am retarded

Well, I was going through a bunch of old papers today and I am literally sick with grief and horror over what I’m about to share with you. I need to take a breath. Seriously.

Okay.

Just moments ago, I found, stuffed randomly in a notebook, a yellow (no, not “yellowed,” but yellow, like a happy sunflower) piece of paper titled ….. “My Wedding.”

I’m not sure I even want to give you a time frame on this because it is so embarrassing to me in a kind of soul-crushing way. All I can say is — look at me defending myself here — my upbringing was very very sheltered and whenever I find these old papers, I think I sound at least five years younger than the age I actually was when I wrote it.

That said, I am 19 in chronological years at the time I wrote this. But I sound about 14.

Okay. Without further ado or excuses, here it is:

My Wedding

*Fall — maroons? dark greys

*Winter — burgundies/ dark greys

*Spring — rose/pink/lighter greys

*Summer — pinks w/blues perhaps, for accents/greys – light
(I am aghast at all these colors. Who is this person and how long did her Grey Period last?

*Time — evening or afternoon
(Okay, so not morning.)

*Music — M on piano
(M was a boyfriend of mine. I guess I thought either we’d get married and he’d be my groom AND my pianist or that he’d be totally fine with being the pianist later — you know, when I married someone else. Um, what, Trace?)

*Singing — S.
(See explanation above, only insert “soloist” for “pianist.”)

*B-maids — S (sister), K. B?
(B was a wild card, I guess.)

*Flowers — roses, perhaps silk
(Oh, okay, my brain just popped. Right now. Poof.)

*Processional — I don’t know
(I don’t know if this means “I don’t know what musical processional to use at this extravaganza featuring all my ex-boyfriends” or “I don’t know if I even want to pro-cess.”)

*No reception line — they are too time-consuming
(I am not retarded. YAY!)

*Have gifts opened in advance and put on display.
(I guess I really wanted to say a heartfelt “Thank You!” to all my guests by putting their gifts up for scrutiny and comparison, like a swimsuit competition for wedding presents.)

*Pictures taken beforehand

*Short train on gown

*No veil, unless he wants one
(Who, Trace? Your pianist or your soloist?)

*Maybe a hat
(AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

*Would like to have husband sing to me, if he has that ability
(But please be advised, there will be auditions and callbacks and a rigorous rehearsal schedule with me, Mistress Helga, your future low-maintenance bride)

*Own vows — maybe

That’s the end of the list. But it should be noted that I must have revisited the list at some later date, because across the entire paper, in giant capital letters is an eloquent, underlined:

GAG-O!!

**********************************
(Posted in honor of dear Nightfly, who’s tying the knot this weekend! Congratulations to you and your bride, NF!)

11 Replies to “I am retarded”

  1. Things I love about this:

    1) Well, gray obviously

    2) How all your ex-boyfriends have volunteered to serenade you; glowing over your “love triumph” and then presumably getting snockered at the bar where a fistfight breaks out over who loved you the deepest and who is the most depressed and/or suicidal that you’ve found the love of your life.

    3) The visual display of already-opened gifts. Like it’s QVC and they’re all on a turntable with mood lighting. Perfect.

    It’s like the time I had a crush on my school-bus driver (who was in high school) and I wrote a diary entry about a dream I had where he met me at midnight on New Year’s Eve and gave me a chaste smooch under the mistletoe… I was 9.

    LORD.

  2. Pingback: The Nightfly
  3. “Maybe a hat.” I have to apologize, tracey, for having tears in my eyes from laughing at what teenage you wrote.

    Is there something wrong with me that I have never planned out my dream wedding? (Other than NO GARTER TOSS–seems as if only little boys catch them. Ew.)

  4. Kate — Oh! Do not even apologize! I was crying with laughter the whole time I typed this. I mean, WHAT was I thinking? My real wedding turned out nothing like this — although my hairstyle at the time did LOOK like a hat.

    And my ex-boyfriends didn’t even show up, the jerks.

    Althooough, uhm, an ex-fiance did CALL long-distance, knowing I was getting married that day, and my friend — who had forgotten something back at the house — answered the phone and said it went like this:

    EX-F: Hello. May I speak to Tracey, please?

    FRIEND (knowing it was the EX-F): Uh, what?? She’s at her wedding reception, man.

    EX-F: Uh …. oh.

    And then he hung up.

    Hahahahahaha. Like he was going to stop the wedding long-distance or something? I just remembered that.

  5. MM — No, there was not. Tuxes were black. Not that I really have anything against gray. It’s all the other pink/blue combos that I find truly horrifying now.

  6. HE HE HE!!! But I’m sure those colors were all the rage back then.

    We celebrated our 8th anniversary Tuesday, and Wednesday I received VHS to DVD wedding video conversion back.

    8 years later, I still like my dress. Not sure what was going on with my bangs though. Oh well, it’s still fun.

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