I got the idea for the questionnaire below when the girl in the restroom stall next to me was jabbering loudly on her cell phone — in the moment. The tinkly little moment. Over the sound of the tinkly little moment. This seemed kinda … weird to me. I felt weird. I lost my concentration. I fretted and continue to fret: I mean, is that what people do now? Am I behind on yet another 21st century development? I don’t have cable. I don’t play video games. I only recently got a cell phone. And I don’t even know how to access my voice mail, so I certainly lack the requisite preparedness to use the stupid cell phone whilst indisposed. But now that I have a cell phone, is this expected of me? De rigeur? I’m confused. And frankly, scared.
So I have to know. I must know many things about your personal p*otty stuff that you don’t want to share. Too bad. Grow up. This is serious p*otty.
Sooo … Ready? Here we go.
Tracey’s Serious P*otty Survey:
1) So DO you talk on your cell phone whist indisposed in a public restroom? Not before, not after. In flagrante delicto.
2) In an empty public restroom, do you take the first available stall/urinal or make sure there’s space between you and any potential restroom interloper?
3) T/F: Automatic flushing toilets are scary.
4) Tell me the truth: I worry that the sensor thingie on those automatic flushing toilets is really a camera taking secret pictures of me.
5) Women: Sit or Hover? Well, men you can answer this too. Don’t be shy or anything.
6) T/F: Tissue paper seat covers don’t protect you from anything.
7) Women: Wait to start your process until someone flushes, giving you “cover”?
8) Talk to strangers in the restroom?
9) Talk to strangers in the restroom whilst indisposed?
10) There is no toilet paper. So I use__________________.
11) Is it just me, or do those tissue paper seat covers NEVER flush properly?
12) There is no soap. So I_____________________________.
13) Women, T/F: I have used the men’s room when the wait for the ladies’ room was too long.
14) Women: Are you familiar with p*ee cakes? If yes, please describe one without help from a man.
15) Men: Are you supposed to aim at the p*ee cake or ignore it? Please enlighten.
16) T/F: If the counter is wet, I always wipe it up.
17) T/F: I won’t use a toilet if the toilet is clean, but the toilet seat cover tissue is floating shredded in the bowl.
18) I will hold it in altogether if the person coming out of the stall looks even slightly mangy or feral. (Good to see I have not editorialized with this questionnaire)
19) I prefer:
A) The old-style faucets that I turn on/off.
B) The new-fangled motion detector dealios.
20) Moms, I will take into the ladies’ room with me:
A) My daughter
B) My son
C) Both
21) Dads, I will take into the men’s room with me:
A) My daughter
B) My son
C) Both
22) Women: Adjust your makeup in the mirror?
23) Men: Adjust your makeup in the mirror?
24) T/F: I touch the door knob with my bare hand when leaving the restroom.
25) If F, what do you use to open the door?
Thank you for taking Tracey’s Serious P*otty Survey!
.
I will just say that I have always secretly suspected that the porcelain of toilets is really made of teeth.
There is an unwritten but universal rule for men using any of a row of urinals in a public restroom: stare straight ahead at all times, taking absolutely no notice of the existence of the guy peeing next to you. Otherwise your friendliness might be interpreted incorrectly or, worse yet, HIS friendliness might derive from ulterior motives.
If possible, always leave an empty urinal between you and the stranger.
Looking down so you can aim at the cake is optional. Just don’t look sideways.
1) No! Good grief, no. A thousand times, no.
2) Yes.
3) True.
4) No, I’m more afraid of what will happen if one of those things ever backs up/reverses suction
5) Sit, sometimes with paper if it’s really grotty
6) False. It protects you from imaginary cooties.
7) Yup.
8) No
9) Good Lord, no. That’s like, one of my nightmares: be trying to pee and having someone ask me a question.
10) Actually, I check first to be sure there’s toilet paper.
11) No, It’s not just you.
12) Rinse my hands and remind myself to wash them with soap the first chance I get.
13) F. The embarrassment factor is too high.
14) Uh…they smell like mint? They look kind of like a yellow hockey puck?
15) Not a man.
16) T, unless the “wet” looks like something other than water or soap.
17) False.
18) Mmmmmnnnn…never had that happen.
19) B, less chance for picking up Imaginary Cooties from the handle
20) Not a mom.
21) Not a dad.
22) + 23) No, because I never remember to carry it with me.
24) Yeah, but if I think about it I’m really grossed out.
25) paper towel, if I think of it, and if the restroom hasn’t replaced the dispenser with those EEEEEEVILLLLL “blow your hands dry” things.
(That’s a question you forgot: about the “automatic” hand driers that don’t. Do they actually “save the environment” as they claim, or are they just a way of the lazy owners of the establishment to keep from having to maintain the restroom? I say that it’s a way to avoid having to empty trash bins and check to see if more towels are needed…)
1) So DO you talk on your cell phone whist indisposed in a public restroom? Not before, not after. In flagrante delicto.
No. Men are not good at multi-tasking.
2) In an empty public restroom, do you take the first available stall/urinal or make sure there’s space between you and any potential restroom interloper?
Stalls don’t matter, urinals do. You start in the middle and additional attendees go to the middle of the available spaces that remain (hopefully).
3) T/F: Automatic flushing toilets are scary.
Actually, they are helpful. In addition to being multi-tasking impaired, we also have trouble adhering to a linear sequence of required tasks–one less thing to remember.
4) Tell me the truth: I worry that the sensor thingie on those automatic flushing toilets is really a camera taking secret pictures of me.
Who cares, in my case they’ll be sorry.
5) Women: Sit or Hover? Well, men you can answer this too. Don’t be shy or anything.
I’m sorry, that’s classified.
6) T/F: Tissue paper seat covers don’t protect you from anything.
True
8) Talk to strangers in the restroom?
Occasionally, but only if necessary and only in a deep voice.
9) Talk to strangers in the restroom whilst indisposed?
Not advisable if you want to get out alive.
10) There is no toilet paper. So I use__________________.
I’m sorry, that’s classified.
11) Is it just me, or do those tissue paper seat covers NEVER flush properly?
I don’t know. I could never figure out how to install them.
12) There is no soap. So I_____________________________.
There’s soap?
15) Men: Are you supposed to aim at the p*ee cake or ignore it? Please enlighten.
Generally, you are supposed to avoid them because of the potential splatter factor. I saw a sign once that said, “Please don’t eat the mints.”
16) T/F: If the counter is wet, I always wipe it up.
False, you’re supposed to keep adding to it.
17) T/F: I won’t use a toilet if the toilet is clean, but the toilet seat cover tissue is floating shredded in the bowl.
False.
18) I will hold it in altogether if the person coming out of the stall looks even slightly mangy or feral. (Good to see I have not editorialized with this questionnaire)
There are times when we are called to courage.
19) I prefer:
A) The old-style faucets that I turn on/off.
B) The new-fangled motion detector dealios.
B (See number 3 above.)
23) Men: Adjust your makeup in the mirror?
Makeup won’t help, I’m afraid.
24) T/F: I touch the door knob with my bare hand when leaving the restroom.
True, but I hate it when I grab the door knob and its wet.
1) not in public, but I will if I’m talking to a daughter at home
2)First available clean one
3)Do not get me started – have we, as a nation, sunk so low, become so lazy and downright rude and thoughtless, that we need potties to flush after us? How will our kids learn responsibility if they have even this basic duty taken care of? It’s the fall of Western Civilization, I tell you.
4)Look, I have enough to worry about with the fall of Western Civ to wonder about cameras.
5)Sit. It is actually very difficult to catch anything off a toilet seat. Hover, if it’s damp.
6) True
7) What? Good grief, you’re just peeing!
8)Sure
9)No
10) Kleenex or a diaper wipe, if I have that tote bag. Check first, though.
11) The weight of the imaginary cooties keeps them up
12) Rinse, wash later. A tiny bottle of hand sanitizer would work well here.
13) Yes – potty parity! With a look-out, though
14) They’re round, they have a hole in the center, they come in various colors – yellow, purple, aqua. They stink.
15) N/A
16) If it’s water and soap, sure. Be nice to the next users. If they made tiny little bottles of cleaner, I’d probably clean the whole room.
17) F
18) T, or hover really high
19) B
20) Daughters at all times.
Sons up to age 5-6. After that, they go in the men’s and you hover by the door, cracking it open to check on them once in a while.
21) N/A
22) No
23) N/A
24) False
25) Sleeve, Kleenex, paper towel
1) Absolutely not.
2) I always try to go into the first stall in the restroom because I read once that most people skip that one so it’s cleaner; but yes, I do generally try to have a “buffer zone.â€
3) Very, very true.
4) Well, *now* that’s what I think.
5) Sit–if you hover, your can’t relax enough for your bladder to fully empty (I read too many articles about public restrooms), plus you might pee on the seat and become one of those people I hate.
6) False–they alert you that the toilet seat is “damp,†thus letting you know if you need to wipe down the seat and put down several more layers. Nothing like that unpleasant surprise of feeling something wet on the back of your leg.
7) Nope
8) No
9) Absolutely no
10) the kleenex I always have in my purse.
11) nope, never do
12) use the hand sanitizer I always have in my purse
13) F
14) Y but I won’t try to describe
15) n/a
16) F
17) F–I just flush first
18) T
19) I like the cleanliness of B), but they never work for me, so I’m going with A), which I turn on and off with a paper towel.
20) n/a
21) n/a
22) yep
23) n/a
24) Oh, false, definitely false
25) paper towel–or the kleenex I always have in my purse
If this will truly help you get thru your day I’ll unlurk long enough to answer!
1) So DO you talk on your cell phone whist indisposed in a public restroom? Not before, not after. In flagrante delicto.
You’ve got to be kidding! I find it hard enough to go in a public restroom let alone talk to someone while doing it! However, if I’m at home and talking to my mom I don’t have a problem (we talk for hours so sometimes it’s necessary)
2) In an empty public restroom, do you take the first available stall/urinal or make sure there’s space between you and any potential restroom interloper? I usually head for the last one…
3) T/F: Automatic flushing toilets are scary. F i think they’re great!
4) Tell me the truth: I worry that the sensor thingie on those automatic flushing toilets is really a camera taking secret pictures of me. I actually never thought about it till now…I’ll probably never be able to go in front of one again…Thanks Tracey!
5) Women: Sit or Hover? Well, men you can answer this too. Don’t be shy or anything. Hover…I hate sitting in wet spots I didn’t see…
6) T/F: Tissue paper seat covers don’t protect you from anything. I honestly don’t know!
7) Women: Wait to start your process until someone flushes, giving you “cover�
I used to do this…don’t have the luxury anymore with 4 kids in tow.
8) Talk to strangers in the restroom? Only if they talk to me first!
9) Talk to strangers in the restroom whilst indisposed? You’ve got to be kidding!
10) There is no toilet paper. So I use__________________. the drip dry method b/c of course i never have anything else available…either that or send the kids for some in the next stall 🙂
11) Is it just me, or do those tissue paper seat covers NEVER flush properly? They NEVER flush properly
12) There is no soap. So I_____________________________. Wash under hot water and feel groddy for a long time afterwards…
13) Women, T/F: I have used the men’s room when the wait for the ladies’ room was too long. EEWWWW :b
14) Women: Are you familiar with p*ee cakes? If yes, please describe one without help from a man.
Donut shaped thingies that sit in the bottom of the urinal…
15) Men: Are you supposed to aim at the p*ee cake or ignore it? Please enlighten.
16) T/F: If the counter is wet, I always wipe it up. Not me…
17) T/F: I won’t use a toilet if the toilet is clean, but the toilet seat cover tissue is floating shredded in the bowl.
How can you use it? It’s still dirty…it’s picked up all the germs from the water…EEWWW :b
18) I will hold it in altogether if the person coming out of the stall looks even slightly mangy or feral. (Good to see I have not editorialized with this questionnaire)
Don’t think I’ve ever experienced this…
19) I prefer:
B) The new-fangled motion detector dealios.
20) Moms, I will take into the ladies’ room with me:
C) Both (2 girls and 2 boys)
21) My Husband will take into the men’s room with him:
C) Both (2 girls and 2 boys)
22) Women: Adjust your makeup in the mirror? Make up, who wears make up?
23) Men: Adjust your makeup in the mirror? N/A
24) T/F: I touch the door knob with my bare hand when leaving the restroom. T
25) If F, what do you use to open the door?
Yay for Sam delurking!
Can I just say a few minutes ago, a woman walked into my office building’s restroom talking on her cell phone and flushed FIRST? She’s just standing there, flushing the toilet while she’s on the phone. Weird! But o.k., I’ll do the survey, just to make you happy. . .
1) I would not use my cell phone in a public restroom at ANY point in time unless I got locked in a stall or robbed or something like that. I hate that echo and I like a moment of peace. Seems like nowadays people can’t even walk down the street without having to be talking on the phone (end rant).
2) Space is good.
3) T. Well, more like creepy and annoying (hey, toilet, I’m not done yet!)
4) I might change previous answer to scary now that I’m wondering if it’s a camera. . .
5) Depends on the degree of skeeviness but sitting makes less mess and I’m considerate that way.
6) I have no idea but doubling up on them makes me feel better.
7) If it’s my office restroom I might wait for cover if I know co-workers are present.
8) Not really.
9) Definitely NOT unless I have to ask for TP.
10) See #10. Or if I have my purse with me I have tissues to use.
11) Yeah, the flaps don’t catch in low-flow toilets IMO.
12) . . . rub really hard and hope I get to some antibacterial goo soon.
13) F. But once I wished I was a man (i.e. no sitting necessary) when I had to use the nasty composting toilets in a state park.
14) Oh, you mean Yooorinal cakes? Yeah, aren’t they kinda crumbly and sometimes pink and smell like industrial restroom cleaner?
15) N/A!
16) Only if I made the mess. I had a former-co-worker who was outrageously obsessive and spent forever in the office restrooms wiping up the counters.
17) I cavalierly flush and go about my business. But any other material–poo, cigarettes, iced tea bottles–I will flee the stall!
18) Depends on how badly I have to go–if I decide to go for it, I actually say some sort of prayer asking the Lord or my guardian angel to protect me.
19) I’m fine with either A or B. As long as the water appears clean and isn’t an extreme temperature.
20 & 21) N/A
22) Sometimes I reapply lipstick–if I can SEE myself in the mirror.
23) (Men, please, I don’t wanna know.)
24) Again, depends on the degree of skeeviness of the restroom. I might use my forearm or my sleeve. I’m petite, so sleeves are invariably a little long, which is useful.
So when do we get to hear Tracey’s answers?
Forget Tracey’s answers… I want to hear her give the questions in one of those mall surveys. Then we can ship the results to Charmin so they can re-open the Potty Mecca.
Answers:
1 – oh, HELLS NO.
2 – gap whenever possible.
3 – Scary, but also sanitary. My big fear is that they’ll malfunction and flush too early, catching me in the spray but not doing the job.
4 – yeah, me too.
5 – option C: hold until home whenever possible.
6 – True. They get wet, and then where are you?
7 – n/a
8 – no talky-talky… but on the odd occasions, it’s quite funny. For example, in Philly for a hockey game, a man threatened to flush a guy wearing the visitor’s jersey. Not the jersey – the whole guy. And he capped it by crying out, “I speak for the whole bathroom!” Of course everyone started cracking up right there at the wall. There’s a slogan for the Board of Commerce!
9 – oh, HELLS NO.
10 – the seat cover, of course. Scratchy but better than the Crow Option.
11 – I’ve only flushed the one I needed for #10. Otherwise, I actually scooped them up and tossed them in the wastebasket.
12 – use the hottest possible water, then go get a refill from the staff. And then re-wash.
13, 14 – n/a
15 – never thought of it, to be honest; but I’ve heard that it helps, when potty training a boy, to float a few Cheerios and encourage target practice. Maybe it forms a habit for some guys.
16 – False.
17 – True. Who knows what the heck that is?
18 – I’ve seen some strange dudes in the restroom. Only time I ever failed to perform was in front of the guy at the rest stop on I-95 in MD… white polyester suit pants and jacket with satin purple cuffs and lining, disco shirt, Converse sneaks and Kim Jong Il sunglasses – and a huge honkin’ camera on a tripod. He wasn’t using the thing… just had it up on the ledge there… but LOCK THAT THING IN THE TRUNK! What, you walked to the rest stop on I-95? Give me a break, Freakazoid.
19 – old-school, for certain. Some of these places flush for you, turn on the water, give you automatic soap and automatic dryers (or those “wave at me” towel dispensers, which I hate out loud)… The first restroom that tries to unzip me gets wrecked. Lemme pee like a man already.
20 – n/a
21 – I prefer boys only, to be truthful, but if she’s too young to fly solo, then I’d take a daughter into the men’s room and stand guard over the stall. As I see it, a girl can solo younger than a boy; frankly there’s much less chance of a grown woman snatching her than a sicko guy snatching him, so if she’s (say) five or six and I stand right outside the room, she should be fine.
22 – n/a
23 – makeup? That’s like, if you miss an exam or something, right? But I will make sure my hair is ok and that I don’t have anything in my teeth.
24 – most doors are simple push-to-open deals from the inside. If there’s a knob, it depends on the room. Obviously that makes no sense, but if the room’s clean I tend to trust the knob more. If it’s a disaster I won’t even use the room, much less the doorknob.
25 – if it’s so-so and I’m faced with a knob, I’ll usually use the paper towel I just dried with, or my shirttail.
I look forward to hearing how you implement the results at Boheme…
1) So DO you talk on your cell phone whist indisposed in a public restroom? Not before, not after. In flagrante delicto. No
2) In an empty public restroom, do you take the first available stall/urinal or make sure there’s space between you and any potential restroom interloper?
It depends on the urinal ratio. If there is three, you take one on the end to leave the middle as a buffer. Stalls don’t matter quite so much, but I tend to look for one that isn’t too close to the urinals.
3) T/F: Automatic flushing toilets are scary.
F
4) Tell me the truth: I worry that the sensor thingie on those automatic flushing toilets is really a camera taking secret pictures of me.
Never thought about it until now. Nah.
5) Women: Sit or Hover? Well, men you can answer this too. Don’t be shy or anything.
Sit. Unless you’re in Asia.
6) T/F: Tissue paper seat covers don’t protect you from anything.
T
7) Women: Wait to start your process until someone flushes, giving you “cover�
N/A
8) Talk to strangers in the restroom?
No
9) Talk to strangers in the restroom whilst indisposed?
Urinal … maybe. Stall, no. Generally no.
10) There is no toilet paper. So I use__________________.
Paper towel. Baby wipe if I have the kids out with me.
11) Is it just me, or do those tissue paper seat covers NEVER flush properly?
Never had the problem
12) There is no soap. So I_____________________________.
Rinse with hot water, or wait and use the hand gel in my car or the one my wife has in her purse.
13) Women, T/F: I have used the men’s room when the wait for the ladies’ room was too long.
14) Women: Are you familiar with p*ee cakes? If yes, please describe one without help from a man.
15) Men: Are you supposed to aim at the p*ee cake or ignore it? Please enlighten.
Depends on the splashback probability.
16) T/F: If the counter is wet, I always wipe it up.
F – avoid the wet part of the counter
17) T/F: I won’t use a toilet if the toilet is clean, but the toilet seat cover tissue is floating shredded in the bowl.
F
18) I will hold it in altogether if the person coming out of the stall looks even slightly mangy or feral. (Good to see I have not editorialized with this questionnaire)
Nah. If you gotta go, you gotta go.
19) I prefer:
A) The old-style faucets that I turn on/off.
B) The new-fangled motion detector dealios.
20) Moms, I will take into the ladies’ room with me:
A) My daughter
B) My son
C) Both
21) Dads, I will take into the men’s room with me:
A) My daughter
B) My son
C) Both
22) Women: Adjust your makeup in the mirror?
23) Men: Adjust your makeup in the mirror?
Only if it’s a really important date.
24) T/F: I touch the door knob with my bare hand when leaving the restroom.
Sometimes
25) If F, what do you use to open the door?
Paper towel
I won’t take up any of your comment space, but yeah, NOW YOU KNOW. Jot it down in your logbook. 😉
Great quiz, Tracey! You always find ways to make me think in new and exciting ways 😉
1) Not in public…maybe at home, but only if I’m talking to my mom.
2) I try to leave space when possible
3) False…looking in a stall and seeing someone else’s left overs, now THAT is scary.
4) I didn’t until now
5) Sit. I have never mastered the hover. I cannot do it in a public restroom; I cannot do it while camping in the wilderness. It is not good, let me tell you.
6) They give me a false sense of security.
7) Sometimes.
8) Rarely, and only at the sinks.
9) Noooooooo!
10) I carry wet wipes in my purse for class (my hands get dirty from the dry erase markers), so I borrow from that stash. But my brother-in-law once used his socks!
11) Never. I hate them actually, but that false sense of security is too comforting to give up
12) Again with the wet wipes
13) Only at work where I know all of the men, and only in desperate circumstances.
14) I have heard of them, but I don;t think I have ever actually seen one.
15) n/a
16) Only if I am the one who got it wet in the first place. Otherwise, I don’t know what that mess is, and I’m not going to risk it.
17) True if there is an another, available stall.
18) No, but I might use extra seat covers.
19) A – the hot to cold water ratio and pressure level is never right on those automatic thingies.
20) I have taken my son when he was small. After about 4 or 5 I trusted his brothers enough to take him with them.
21) I am not a Dad, but my dad never took me into the me into the men’s room. That is a whole different world in there.
22) I am so over that
23) n/a
24) Yes, I do, but now that I think about it, it is pretty gross, and I agree with the commentor above…I hate it when it’s wet!
25) I’m gonna find something!
1) So DO you talk on your cell phone whist indisposed in a public restroom? Not before, not after. In flagrante delicto.
I seriously try to avoid it.
2) In an empty public restroom, do you take the first available stall/urinal or make sure there’s space between you and any potential restroom interloper?
Always leave space, if possible.
3) T/F: Automatic flushing toilets are scary.
Yes. And also completely ridiculous for women -it flushes if you shift your weight. Memo to toilet makers: In Girl-Land, we ALWAYS sit. Your toilets are crap. Pun intended.
4) Tell me the truth: I worry that the sensor thingie on those automatic flushing toilets is really a camera taking secret pictures of me.
Now I have another thing to worry about.
5) Women: Sit or Hover? Well, men you can answer this too. Don’t be shy or anything.
At home I sit. In public I hover.
6) T/F: Tissue paper seat covers don’t protect you from anything.
I never use those things. Reminds me of the tissue “gown” one wears at the ob/gyn. No thanks.
7) Women: Wait to start your process until someone flushes, giving you “cover�
Oh yes, I always wait. It’s so ridiculous./
8) Talk to strangers in the restroom?
Never.
9) Talk to strangers in the restroom whilst indisposed?
NEVER.
10) There is no toilet paper. So I use__________________.
Actually, this is the only time I talk to strangers in restrooms. I will call out into the wilderness: “Could someone hand me some toilet paper??”
11) Is it just me, or do those tissue paper seat covers NEVER flush properly?
Like I said, I never use those things.
12) There is no soap. So I_____________________________.
I carry around hand sanitizer in my bag. I’ll use that.
13) Women, T/F: I have used the men’s room when the wait for the ladies’ room was too long.
Oh absolutely. Many many many times. Arrest me, I don’t care.
14) Women: Are you familiar with p*ee cakes? If yes, please describe one without help from a man.
Those are those things in urinals … men try to hit it with the stream of their bodily fluid. Awesome!
15) Men: Are you supposed to aim at the p*ee cake or ignore it? Please enlighten.
16) T/F: If the counter is wet, I always wipe it up.
Nope. (Well, if I’m in my house then yes)
17) T/F: I won’t use a toilet if the toilet is clean, but the toilet seat cover tissue is floating shredded in the bowl.
Yeah – if I’m in public I like a sparkley clean and empty toilet bowl.
18) I will hold it in altogether if the person coming out of the stall looks even slightly mangy or feral. (Good to see I have not editorialized with this questionnaire)
Yeah. I’d probably avoid that situation.
19) I prefer:
A) The old-style faucets that I turn on/off.
B) The new-fangled motion detector dealios.
I’m not into any of that motion detector stuff. Because too often it is wrong!! I like old-style.
20) Moms, I will take into the ladies’ room with me:
A) My daughter
B) My son
C) Both
21) Dads, I will take into the men’s room with me:
A) My daughter
B) My son
C) Both
22) Women: Adjust your makeup in the mirror?
No – I’m weird about doing that in public.
23) Men: Adjust your makeup in the mirror?
24) T/F: I touch the door knob with my bare hand when leaving the restroom.
Yes, sadly. That’s what hand sanitizer is for.
25) If F, what do you use to open the door?
Thank you for taking Tracey’s Serious P*otty Survey!
.
ricki – there is no way on earth that you could “maintain” a restroom like the Port Authority restroom which has a line of 40 stalls – and is the most highly trafficked restroom in the city.
Thank goodness for air driers in that place.
I remember the filth and mess that that bathroom was in when I would come to New York as a kid – and it is MUCH better now – because there isn’t so much paper. There would literally be piles of wet wadded-up paper towels in the corners. Ew!!
I have this horrible story. I was on a conference call with a lawyer and couldn’t get off the telephone. I got so desperate that I muted the phone and let him talk while I squatted over my trash can.
It was that or flood my office.
1) So DO you talk on your cell phone whist indisposed in a public restroom? Not before, not after. In flagrante delicto.
I’m not a big fan of cell phones. Mine if off unless I’m in a car accident, or I forgot which brand of chips to buy at the grocery store. NOT in the bathroom.
2) In an empty public restroom, do you take the first available stall/urinal or make sure there’s space between you and any potential restroom interloper?
1st available
3) T/F: Automatic flushing toilets are scary.
F, but my daughters think they are. They make me put my hand over the sensor
4) Tell me the truth: I worry that the sensor thingie on those automatic flushing toilets is really a camera taking secret pictures of me.
No.
5) Women: Sit or Hover? Well, men you can answer this too. Don’t be shy or anything.
Sit.
6) T/F: Tissue paper seat covers don’t protect you from anything.
T. Toilet seats have less germs than you would think.
7) Women: Wait to start your process until someone flushes, giving you “cover�
No.
8) Talk to strangers in the restroom?
I prefer not to talk to strangers at all. Certainly not in the bathroom.
9) Talk to strangers in the restroom whilst indisposed?
NO.
10) There is no toilet paper. So I use__________________.
Kleenex in my purse.
11) Is it just me, or do those tissue paper seat covers NEVER flush properly?
I don’t use them
12) There is no soap. So I_____________________________.
The hand sanitizer in my purse.
13) Women, T/F: I have used the men’s room when the wait for the ladies’ room was too long.
No, but once I used the men’s room at Applebee’s thinking it was the ladies room. I didn’t notice the urinal until I was washing my hands.
14) Women: Are you familiar with p*ee cakes? If yes, please describe one without help from a man.
My husband tells me about the more unusual ones he encounters. Stinky deoderizers that sit in urinals.
16) T/F: If the counter is wet, I always wipe it up.
F
17) T/F: I won’t use a toilet if the toilet is clean, but the toilet seat cover tissue is floating shredded in the bowl.
F
18) I will hold it in altogether if the person coming out of the stall looks even slightly mangy or feral. (Good to see I have not editorialized with this questionnaire)
F (Some days I look pretty mangy myself)
19) I prefer:
A) The old-style faucets that I turn on/off.
B) The new-fangled motion detector dealios.
B.
20) Moms, I will take into the ladies’ room with me:
A) My daughter
B) My son
C) Both
My daughters. I don’t have any sons, but I would probably take them in if they weren’t too old. (I don’t know how old is too old.)
22) Women: Adjust your makeup in the mirror?
I don’t wear enough makeup to adjust.
24) T/F: I touch the door knob with my bare hand when leaving the restroom.
T
Damn! Kate busted me. Now I gotta answer. Okay.
1) So DO you talk on your cell phone whist indisposed in a public restroom? Not before, not after. In flagrante delicto.
Nooooo. No, no, no.
2) In an empty public restroom, do you take the first available stall/urinal or make sure there’s space between you and any potential restroom interloper?
We have certainly discussed my need for buffer zones, so what do you think my answer is?? If I could, I would do the Movie Seat Water Trick over the entire bathroom just so I could go in peace.
3) T/F: Automatic flushing toilets are scary.
Yes, Trace. You are SO right.
4) Tell me the truth: I worry that the sensor thingie on those automatic flushing toilets is really a camera taking secret pictures of me.
I heard one clicking once, I swear.
5) Women: Sit or Hover? Well, men you can answer this too. Don’t be shy or anything.
Well, I sit most of the time. Depends on results of my split-second perceived cleanliness review.
6) T/F: Tissue paper seat covers don’t protect you from anything.
Well, I always like to give paper the benefit of the doubt. And because I love paper, I always apologize to the paper first. Something like: Hello, paper. I’m sorry you are doing this instead of fulfilling your destiny to become a papier mache bunny.
I think that’s nice for the paper, don’t you?
7) Women: Wait to start your process until someone flushes, giving you “cover�
YES! All the time. Please let’s all pretend we’re not really doing what we’re doing.
8) Talk to strangers in the restroom?
No.
9) Talk to strangers in the restroom whilst indisposed?
Who wrote these questions?? Lord.
10) There is no toilet paper. So I use__________________.
The tissue paper cover. With sincere apologies.
11) Is it just me, or do those tissue paper seat covers NEVER flush properly?
No, Tracey, it’s not just you.
12) There is no soap. So I_____________________________.
Wail. Sob. Rend my clothing. Rinse with really hot water. See if I have my hand sanitizer! Wail. Sob. Rend my clothing. It’s on the counter at home!
13) Women, T/F: I have used the men’s room when the wait for the ladies’ room was too long.
Yes, of course. I did this not too long ago and when I walked out, one of the women waiting said to her friends, “Ooh, let’s go in there.” I turned and said, “Well, it’s the men’s room.”
Silence.
“Oh, forget it.” And they went and stood back in line.
“No one’s in there,” I offered.
“That’s okay,” she said. And no one else moved to use the other VACANT restroom. They just stared at me. Weird. It was like I’d brought extreme cooties into their presence and they needed me to go. Or they were trying to figure out if I was a trannie. Whatevs, pantswetters.
So, yeah, I do this. Only if there are no men in there, though.
14) Women: Are you familiar with p*ee cakes? If yes, please describe one without help from a man.
Yes, I’m familiar, but only in the last couple years. Why is everyone saying they’re stinky? Aren’t they supposed to help with stink?
15) Men: Are you supposed to aim at the p*ee cake or ignore it? Please enlighten.
16) T/F: If the counter is wet, I always wipe it up.
I will sometimes wipe it up. Perceived cleanliness again.
17) T/F: I won’t use a toilet if the toilet is clean, but the toilet seat cover tissue is floating shredded in the bowl.
Yeah, this question sucks, Trace. Not clear. But you did write it at around 10:00 p.m. after a much-needed margarita. What you meant, I think, was:
Would you use a toilet if the stubborn remnants from a flushed tissue cover were floating around?
And yes, I would, but flushing first is a must.
18) I will hold it in altogether if the person coming out of the stall looks even slightly mangy or feral. (Good to see I have not editorialized with this questionnaire)
I am the Queen of Holding It In. And don’t tell me how this is bad for my bladder, blahblah. I once left a movie in progress, DROVE HOME TO OUR HOUSE, and used the bathroom — all because I had to poo. I will not do that in a public restroom unless I am alonnnnne. So I held it in until I was home. Then I took my ticket stub and drove back to the movie.
Sooo … can I get an “amen”?
19) I prefer:
A) The old-style faucets that I turn on/off.
B) The new-fangled motion detector dealios.
A — I feel like an idiot waving my hands under those things. Maybe those are cameras, too? It seems like a game to me.
20) Moms, I will take into the ladies’ room with me:
A) My daughter
B) My son
C) Both
21) Dads, I will take into the men’s room with me:
A) My daughter
B) My son
C) Both
22) Women: Adjust your makeup in the mirror?
No. This almost makes me a man, I guess, but I don’t carry makeup. I do it at home and it stays as it lays — or whatever. I carry the occasional lipstick, but mostly, no.
23) Men: Adjust your makeup in the mirror?
24) T/F: I touch the door knob with my bare hand when leaving the restroom.
Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.
25) If F, what do you use to open the door?
I’ll use the paper towel I dried my hands on and then throw it away in the next trashcan I see.
And oh, Sue Bob?
That is so terrible, but I could not stop laughing at the mental picture!
NF — /I speak for the whole bathroom!/
Hahahahaha!
You’re a good sport, Tracey!!! 🙂
P.S. I can’t believe you didn’t ask our average times, stopwatch chick!
1) This should never happen people. NEVER!
2) I need my space.
3) Auto flushers are unreliable, either too fast or too slow. But I prefer that over flushing with my shoe – I have nightmares of slipping and my shoe plunging into the bowl.
4) I have too many other things to think about. No room in my head for that one.
5) I will sit at church. Hover everywhere else. I have no idea why. It’s a new building and people are supposed to be clean at church. In my mind, at least.
6) I agree with JLR. The dispensers at school never work. I use the ones at work daily.
7) If I can. Depends on my sense of urgency.
8) no.
9) absolutely not.
10) I check that first.
11) It’s not just you.
12) Use really hot water and sanitize when I get in the car.
13) nope.
14) nope.
15)Please enlighten.
16) no. I want to get out of their ASAP.
17) I flush first.
18) Depends on the availabilty of stalls and my desparation. Supply and Demand people.
19) I prefer:
New fangled stuff.
20) N/A
21) N/A
22) yesh.
23) N/A
24) False
25) Paper towel if available. Shirt, sleeve, or pinky if not.
Sue Bob, you’re my hero.
tracey. you’ll be sorry you asked.
1) So DO you talk on your cell phone whist indisposed in a public restroom? Not before, not after. In flagrante delicto. Not in public restrooms.
2) In an empty public restroom, do you take the first available stall/urinal or make sure there’s space between you and any potential restroom interloper? Empty? Usually, there’s a space between my stall and the wall stall (that’s the stall against the wall, get it?). But it also depends on cleanliness of stalls #2, 3, 4, etc. But I kinda think it’s in case someone comes running in and really needs to either puke, pee, or poo in stall #1 that I leave it open. Ever since that Copycat movie, I check above me periodically to make sure interlopers aren’t coming over the stalls to strangle me with strangling things.
3) T/F: Automatic flushing toilets are scary. True. Either they flush before I’m ready, and then I have to actually use my finger to depress the little teeny button that you can’t flush with your feet (I do not flush public toilets with my hands), or they don’t flush at all, and I have to actually use my finger to depress the little teeny button. Or if I use the paper thingy and it doesn’t entirely flush, I have to use my finger to depress the little teeny button. They’re a nightmare.
4) Tell me the truth: I worry that the sensor thingie on those automatic flushing toilets is really a camera taking secret pictures of me. I didn’t before. Thanks, trace.
5) Women: Sit or Hover? Well, men you can answer this too. Don’t be shy or anything. I go back and forth. Not in the same sitting, though. Not like I’m doing squats or something. I mean, on the issue.
6) T/F: Tissue paper seat covers don’t protect you from anything. True. You cannot catch diseases from toilet seats unless the diseased bodies from which they jumped were there less than half a minute before your pristine body. They don’t even protect you from sterile urine, because if you’ve noticed, they soak up the little droplets from the little spray that gross people who hover and don’t know how to clean up after themselves leave behind. And then you have to start over. This is why you must wipe the seat with TP before putting down the tissue cover if you use one. Actually, if you have to wipe the seat, you should probably go to the next stall.
7) Women: Wait to start your process until someone flushes, giving you “coverâ€? Oh. Um, hahahahaha. Used to, until I hit 25 and decided I was officially old and realized everyone actually does pee and poo. And then I got this celiac problem about three years ago. I don’t even save twosies for home anymore. Sorry, public, not by choice!
8) Talk to strangers in the restroom? Maybe at the sink in emergency situations, to say things such as “There’s no soap” or “Stay out of that stall, it’s a catastrophe from a previous contender” or “Out of paper towels. Guess we have to care about the environment and use the fan today.” No, generally not. Don’t talk to me in public restroom unless you’re giving or receiving useful info about the restroom experience or telling me that Dave Matthews Band just started playing “Crush.”
9) Talk to strangers in the restroom whilst indisposed? Only in emergency situations. “Previous contender stole all the rations over here. Help a sista out? Toby Keith is almost done with that stupid song about having affairs in Mexico, and I like most of his other songs. Can you hurry?” Now, if they speak to me first, and it’s not about TP, I’ll be polite and speak back. “I’m sorry, are you talking to me? I was peeing so I couldn’t hear you.” Passive aggressive behavior is good, right?
10) There is no toilet paper. So I use You’re looking at this wrong. You look first. If there’s no TP, you go to another stall before you ever start your onesie or twosie. Especially your twosie. But in emergency onesie situations, I’ve been caught without TP, and I have dripdried if there’s no one around to help a sista out.
11) Is it just me, or do those tissue paper seat covers NEVER flush properly? You have to give them a little help. Using the bottom of your shoe, nudge the cover by the back or side to start its journey into the bowl. Then flush. But yeah, you’re almost always gonna have to flush twice with those. That’s why I either skip them altogether (see #6 answer), line the seat with TP instead (that’s how we did it old-school), wipe the seat and sit, or hover.
12) There is no soap. So I cry. Hope I’m with Rachel, who always carries Purell. Hope I’m carrying Purell, which I never am unless I’ve recently returned from a hiking trip. Think about putting a big giant X through the name of the last person to clean the restroom. Because did they? Isn’t that part of it? I never do that last part, though. Maybe they’re having a bad day, and I would never want that job. EVER.
13) Women, T/F: I have used the men’s room when the wait for the ladies’ room was too long. True, but not in a very long time.
14) Women: Are you familiar with p*ee cakes? If yes, please describe one without help from a man. I think they’re urban legend, tracey. Don’t get drawn in.
15) Men: Are you supposed to aim at the p*ee cake or ignore it? Please enlighten. N/A
16) T/F: If the counter is wet, I always wipe it up. Hmm. Is there anywhere for me to set my purse if I don’t? Can I keep my purse on my shoulder and wash my hands and fix my makeup without my purse falling? See #12 where I said I would never want that job. Now, if it’s at church, I do, but only because I saw the preacher’s teenage daughter doing that one day, so I now feel guilty if I don’t. Not at church? Not if I can avoid getting myself or my stuff wet.
17) T/F: I won’t use a toilet if the toilet is clean, but the toilet seat cover tissue is floating shredded in the bowl. If it’s a toilet I can flush with my shoe, I’ll just flush it first. If I can’t flush it with my shoe and have to risk touching the horrible little button, I’ll try the next stall.
18) I will hold it in altogether if the person coming out of the stall looks even slightly mangy or feral. (Good to see I have not editorialized with this questionnaire) Feral. That cracked me up. Depends on how badly I have to go, but generally if I’ve dragged myself into a public restroom, it means I have to go pretty darn badly, so I may have to tough it out. And are there other stalls? Let’s hope there are other stalls. Why isn’t there another stall option, tracey??
19) I prefer:
A) The old-style faucets that I turn on/off. They had those EVER in public bathrooms? Before motion sensors, I always encountered the ones that you could turn on, but they turned off whenever they felt like, whether you were done or not.
B) The new-fangled motion detector dealios. These, because I don’t have to touch anything people who have flushed with their hands have touched.
20) Moms, I will take into the ladies’ room with me:
A) My daughter
B) My son
C) Both
D) N/A, but when/if I have kids, both until boys are about three or four. After that, they’re too old.
21) Dads, I will take into the men’s room with me:
A) My daughter
B) My son
C) Both
D) N/A, but I’m weirded out by girls going in the men’s room except in the case of #13.
22) Women: Adjust your makeup in the mirror? Yes.
23) Men: Adjust your makeup in the mirror? Yes. Haha, just kidding. I’m a woman.
24) T/F: I touch the door knob with my bare hand when leaving the restroom. Have you been paying attention? Do you know how many people touch that after flushing with their hands and then not washing their hands? Ew.
25) If F, what do you use to open the door? If it opens outwardly, as all public restroom doors should, my foot on the kickplate. If it’s a single one with a handle/button lock that swings down and unlocks when you turn from the inside, my elbow on the handle. If neither of the above, I’ll use a paper towel. TP if there are no paper towels.
sarahk, I love you.
aw. it’s mutual.
I was thinking “I love you, sarahk” as I was reading along.
Then I scrolled down and saw Sheila beat me to it. Still … I love you, sarahk. You kill me.
Ohhhhh Tracey…. Girl, I think you cursed me with this one.
http://wordgirl-littlegarden.blogspot.com/2007/04/talking-our-her.html