Yes, I’m shallow. Blahdie blah BLAH. So here it is.
American Idol in North Carolina …… a few wannabes who caught my eye and ear:
Dude with a freaking puppet — a ventriloquist. Lord. I HATE ventriloquism. Makes me think of that movie “Magic” with Anthony Hopkins. Creepy. All we need now is for a mime to walk in — all white-gloved and “trapped in a box” — and we’d have Tracey’s version of HELL. Randy says he enjoyed the dummy. Yes to the one dummy, no to the other. Duh.
Girl with an oversized pink cowboy hat. Hopped up on helium. She sings her words like this: “STOR-HOR-HOR-HOR-EEEEEE” and “HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEAD.” She looks just like her mother. Her mother looks like Mrs. Beasely:
This is not good.
Dude is dancing with Paula singing “Let’s Get It On.” It’s creeping me out.
Stop it. STOP IT. Okay. Wow. It’s yes for the perv. Huh.
Foster home girl with a bunch of kids. They’re doing a big profile on her so she must make it through or why bother? Her smile is to die for, seriously. Mega-watt. She’s sometimes off-key, though. Okay, wait. She’s FUNNY. Paula says yes. Randy says yes. Simon says no. SHE says, “Good thing it doesn’t matter, ’cause I’m going to Hollywood!” Simon howls with laughter. The girl screams and jumps with excitement for about 5 seconds, then says, “Annnnd …. I’m calm,“ completely changing her entire physicality and walking out with this Nubian princess dignity. It was amazing. From Price is Right to Princess in a split second. I LOVE HER.
Someone named Chase — if Rosie O’Donnell were a man. (Oh, wait.) Singing “I Have Nothing.” Oh, I’m sure you have something, dude. Just not a VOICE.
This girl is wearing a Vegas showgirl outfit. Sparkly pink sluttiness. Frowsy hair. Super thick black eyeliner. It’s awful. Oh, her stripper mom bought the outfit for her. Isn’t that …. nice. Yep. It’s just a Norman Rockwell painting ’round here.
Paris Bennett — she is only 17 and SHE IS AMAZING. I’ll predict right now — Top 10 with this one. She has this high little speaking voice, baby doll, really. But then she sings ….. and it’s so smooth with a touch of smoky. Another Nubian princess who sings the Dixie Chicks AND Billie Holliday. She’s not just another belter — they bore me, frankly. She has nuance to her voice. I don’t know how; I mean, she’s 17. Inside, though, there is something much older than her years. She has layers. You just know it. Her Billie Holliday number was chilling. Chilling.
Now Marcus is blessing us with his version of “She’s out of my Life,” like this: “She’s out oooooooooooooooooooooooooof my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife …… and it cuts like a kniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife.” Simon says, “Marcus, WHAT do you do?” He says, “I SAHHNG.” He says he learned how to sing off of Randy Jackson’s instructional DVD. Simon is choking. They ask him to SAHHNG again. Simon says, “Maybe your DVD player is stuck on SLOW.” Marcus goes out and smashes his DVD. Surprisingly, he does THAT fast.
Jimmy Crabtree. His face does not ever move. EVER. He is ludicrous. Simon says he has the personality of a hippo. I do not even know what that means. But somehow, he is not wrong.
Heeeere’s Sammy. He has a blanket with him. He puts it on the floor. He’s going to sing “I Can Show You the World” from Aladdin, hence, the magic carpet, you see. He works it like a bullfighter. Now he’s Superman. Lord. He segues into “Straight Up” without the magic carpet. Oh, YES, that makes all the difference, dude. Lord. He looks like Tim Curry as Frank-N-Furter. Except that I liked Tim Curry as Frank-N-Furter. And he could sing. And …. he had nice legs.
Now we have Rhonetta. She is black and chunky in a white mini and silver lame’ tube top and silvery glitter boots. She has a kind of Wonder Woman thing going on. Minus the wonder. It’s a NO. She rants to the camera whilst her tube top is losing its tubeage. But her skin is lovely. Truly. I notice that while I’m nervously waiting for her top to relinquish its hold on her ample boobins. She continues to rant out on the street. She struts and poses and cars start to honk.
Hm. Seems like she coulda made a few bucks out there.
And ….. That’s all, folks!!