January 31, 2006

-image-word clouds

You can create one of these Word Clouds if you have a blog.

Technically speaking, YOU don’t create it; “THEY” create it based on words from your blog. They seem to be words from just your current blog page, not archives or anything.

Of course, this is all speculation on my part, really. I don’t know how the heck it works. I mean, I couldn’t even get it to upload on my site at first. And I’ve uploaded many times!!

So, friendly advice:

Whatever you do, do NOT press the “Finished” button. I think I accidentally ordered a damn T-shirt of this thing because of my incompetence in getting it to post. I thought pressing “Finished” would somehow magically help me. It did not.

Turns out, uploading it is FREEEEE.

The T-shirt, however, is NOT.

Duuuuhhhh ……

Oh, go here if you want to do it.

Lifted from Sheila.

January 30, 2006

-image-“the office” blog!

Oh, Lord. Lookie what I discovered: A blog written in the voice of Dwight from “The Office.”

Also, Dwight’s theories on one of my favorite shows, “Lost”:

1) I think the “others” are actually the employees of Oceanic
Airlines. Who has ever heard of Oceanic Airlines! I think it was a
fake airline that purposefully crashes and does experiments on it’s
passengers.

2) I think that the Dharma Initiative would make a cool band name.

3) I think the polar bears are actually hippies from the Dharma
Institute in polar bear outfits.

4) I think the asian guy from the Dharma film is the Korean guy’s
dad. Think about it. They’re BOTH asian.

Those are but some of my many theories. Remember, they are theories
and not fact.

Hahahaha.

(But …. maybe you have to be watching “The Office” and “Lost.”)

Am I just ha-ha-ing all by myself?

-image-huh?

I found this comment on my post about the movie “Grizzly Man.”

Most of you are amazed this guy could act like this. In the bush but,like me am more freaked out by city life.drugs booze and rock and roll.make a movie and tell me if its wierd! When alone in the mountains,which I am a lot,in the
canadian rockies
life is more real to me, than any where on the planet.I can relate to Treadwell.In the simple fact of being alone in the mountains by yourself for awhile changed your world.I won’t aregue he is a little different,but I can relate.Its an awesome place back there.The world needs more protection for wild life its getting very small for the wilderness to survive.People in the us must realize the impact of finding oil and gas is takeing its toll on wild places.Believe me,I see it every day,Your Halibur…. Is rapeing our land so fast its beyond belief.Billions of dollars rule,over these animals.So please get that message from Tredwell.Well back to the mountains I go.

Umm …. okaaay. It’s just a MOVIE REVIEW, honey.

I hope there are some outposts of civilization where you are. There’s obviously no Spell Check.

But take care of yourself out there in the wilds.

And watch out for those bears.

They’ll kill ya real good.

(“LOOK! IT’S HIS POOP! IT WAS JUST INSIDE HIS BODY! AND NOW IT’S HERE! ON MY BLOG!!”)

-image-art gallery

Some pieces from Simone Shubuck, an up-and-coming mixed-media artist and a favorite of mine:

Just …. just …. oh, you fill in the word. LOVE her.

The artist herself:

January 27, 2006

-image-piper logic

Recently, when told by her mother, “We don’t have the money for that right now,” Piper enthusiastically offered this solution:

“Mommy! I know what! Let’s just go to the store and BUY SOME MORE MONEY!!”

January 25, 2006

-image-the jeans

My niece, Freaky Button Baby, is now completely potty-trained. She is not yet 2. She even used the public toilets at Sea World — unafraid — for freak’s sake!

Even I won’t use those unless truly desperate. I mean, I’M the girl who once held it in for FOUR DAYS on a backpacking trip because I was too dim to figure out how to go in the wild without, ah, going in my jeans and I really didn’t want to go in my jeans.

And, OKAY, I did explode and wet my pants on Day 5, which by very definition means I went in my jeans.

And, OKAY, I DID try to pass off the spreading stain on my butt and thighs as “creekwalking” even though I was NOT wet anyplace near my feet, which are generally what I use for walking of any kind.

And, OKAY, I never really did get the hang of the whole “lean against the tree” pee thing, so my family relentlessly mocked me for the rest of the trip until I threatened to creekwalk on them AND their nice, dry clothes.

And you know what?

They needed that. They needed that fear.

All puffed up with pee-pride they were.

But, seriously, slap me on some Pampers before a public restroom is a viable option.

Anyway ….

Seems Button Baby is obsessed with a pair of jeans I bought her. The jeans were in the laundry basket the other day, needing to be washed, when Button’s mom was dressing her.

Putting on the little top. Putting on the little pants. Or TRYING to.

Button kicked and thrashed about, crying, “No! NO!!” She ran off, pantsless now, to the basket where she dug around until she retrieved the jeans. Bounding back to mom with chubby fist thrust out, she said, emphatically:

“Tee Tee jeans! Tee Tee Jeans!! TEE TEE JEANS!!”

Jeez, kid. Keep your pants on.

-image-no idea

A few people have emailed me saying they’ve had intermittent problems accessing my site. Some kind of “Forbidden” page comes up or something?

Hmm … can’t help you there. I don’t know what that’s even ABOUT.

I’ll look around, but I’ve really no clue. Truly sorry.

-image-all right — american idol

Yes, I’m shallow. Blahdie blah BLAH. So here it is.

American Idol in North Carolina …… a few wannabes who caught my eye and ear:

Dude with a freaking puppet — a ventriloquist. Lord. I HATE ventriloquism. Makes me think of that movie “Magic” with Anthony Hopkins. Creepy. All we need now is for a mime to walk in — all white-gloved and “trapped in a box” — and we’d have Tracey’s version of HELL. Randy says he enjoyed the dummy. Yes to the one dummy, no to the other. Duh.

Girl with an oversized pink cowboy hat. Hopped up on helium. She sings her words like this: “STOR-HOR-HOR-HOR-EEEEEE” and “HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEAD.” She looks just like her mother. Her mother looks like Mrs. Beasely:

This is not good.

Dude is dancing with Paula singing “Let’s Get It On.” It’s creeping me out.
Stop it. STOP IT. Okay. Wow. It’s yes for the perv. Huh.

Foster home girl with a bunch of kids. They’re doing a big profile on her so she must make it through or why bother? Her smile is to die for, seriously. Mega-watt. She’s sometimes off-key, though. Okay, wait. She’s FUNNY. Paula says yes. Randy says yes. Simon says no. SHE says, “Good thing it doesn’t matter, ’cause I’m going to Hollywood!” Simon howls with laughter. The girl screams and jumps with excitement for about 5 seconds, then says, “Annnnd …. I’m calm, completely changing her entire physicality and walking out with this Nubian princess dignity. It was amazing. From Price is Right to Princess in a split second. I LOVE HER.

Someone named Chase — if Rosie O’Donnell were a man. (Oh, wait.) Singing “I Have Nothing.” Oh, I’m sure you have something, dude. Just not a VOICE.

This girl is wearing a Vegas showgirl outfit. Sparkly pink sluttiness. Frowsy hair. Super thick black eyeliner. It’s awful. Oh, her stripper mom bought the outfit for her. Isn’t that …. nice. Yep. It’s just a Norman Rockwell painting ’round here.

Paris Bennett — she is only 17 and SHE IS AMAZING. I’ll predict right now — Top 10 with this one. She has this high little speaking voice, baby doll, really. But then she sings ….. and it’s so smooth with a touch of smoky. Another Nubian princess who sings the Dixie Chicks AND Billie Holliday. She’s not just another belter — they bore me, frankly. She has nuance to her voice. I don’t know how; I mean, she’s 17. Inside, though, there is something much older than her years. She has layers. You just know it. Her Billie Holliday number was chilling. Chilling.

Now Marcus is blessing us with his version of “She’s out of my Life,” like this: “She’s out oooooooooooooooooooooooooof my liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife …… and it cuts like a kniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife.” Simon says, “Marcus, WHAT do you do?” He says, “I SAHHNG.” He says he learned how to sing off of Randy Jackson’s instructional DVD. Simon is choking. They ask him to SAHHNG again. Simon says, “Maybe your DVD player is stuck on SLOW.” Marcus goes out and smashes his DVD. Surprisingly, he does THAT fast.

Jimmy Crabtree. His face does not ever move. EVER. He is ludicrous. Simon says he has the personality of a hippo. I do not even know what that means. But somehow, he is not wrong.

Heeeere’s Sammy. He has a blanket with him. He puts it on the floor. He’s going to sing “I Can Show You the World” from Aladdin, hence, the magic carpet, you see. He works it like a bullfighter. Now he’s Superman. Lord. He segues into “Straight Up” without the magic carpet. Oh, YES, that makes all the difference, dude. Lord. He looks like Tim Curry as Frank-N-Furter. Except that I liked Tim Curry as Frank-N-Furter. And he could sing. And …. he had nice legs.

Now we have Rhonetta. She is black and chunky in a white mini and silver lame’ tube top and silvery glitter boots. She has a kind of Wonder Woman thing going on. Minus the wonder. It’s a NO. She rants to the camera whilst her tube top is losing its tubeage. But her skin is lovely. Truly. I notice that while I’m nervously waiting for her top to relinquish its hold on her ample boobins. She continues to rant out on the street. She struts and poses and cars start to honk.

Hm. Seems like she coulda made a few bucks out there.

And ….. That’s all, folks!!

January 24, 2006

-image-sneak previews

Oh, by the way, I’m still working on “the job, part 2.”

It’s …. hard. The words are more like a sputtering spigot than anything else. It’s frustrating. But I WILL finish it.

So I thought I’d give you some sneak previews of things I hope to write about in this (fairly) new year. Maybe they’ll whet your whistle. (Or deflect your attention from what I haven’t finished.)

And maybe it’ll motivate me to have these written down in public.

So a few …. things:

— when I worked at the funeral home … with the crematorium in the basement.

— when I worked as an on-air “personality” at a shopping channel. Think QVC. Think Home Shopping Network. THEN think 1000 times more embarrassing.

— stories about Fiance #2, the … ah … quirky one.

— how I met My Beloved (related to the two subjects directly above, actually).

— adventures with a spiritually abusive pastor.

— I plan to finish my post about my aunt and uncle’s murder on Egypt Airt 990.
I really do.

— the time my school bus rolled down a hill.

— and the time that man tried to kill me and my family.

And that’s actually not a joke.

So … those are a few I’ve been mulling over. We’ll see if I can do it. Some are doable; some might not EVER be doable. I don’t know.

Anyway …. maybe something there piqued your interest.

And maybe I’ll even write on that one. Eventually.

January 23, 2006

-image-hiLARious

Someone was telling me recently about all the wisdom this young couple had about marriage. They are both 21; they have been married for 6 weeks.

I LAUGHED MY HEAD OFF.

Right then and there.

And that’s just not very nice of me.

I mean, maybe they really have–NO.

I’m sorry:

AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

At least work out the toilet paper issue; then we’ll talk.

I’ll still laugh, of course. Did I say I wouldn’t?

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