All right, you bowl sitters. You — well, all of you but one, whose result is still pending — are bowl sitters no more!!
We have drawn you out of your stagnant ceramic bowl existence and matched you up with some world-class players! Thrilling players! And don’t forget, you are tied to your player until THE END. You now have a destiny. A purpose. A reason to go on yet one more wearisome day. Etc. Of course, if you lose, all bets are off on that whole destiny-purpose thing I just said.
So the players. The players. Oh, it’s good, peeps. It’s gooood. There have been some MAJOR upsets in today’s matches to get to this round of 16!
Three of you here are unseeded players (meaning, you don’t have a ranking in this tournament), BUT don’t let that get you down because you are kicking some serious hiney!
Here’s what happened:
One of you unseeded players beat the No. 11 seed. (And yes, it’s “seed.” I know it seems like it should be “seat,” but it ain’t.)
One of you plowed over the No. 7 seed.
One of you unseeded players beat Martina Hingis, 16th seed, and all da shiz in Women’s Tennis just a few years back.
And one of you, a mere teenager, scored the biggest upset of the day, ousting defending US Open Champion, 2nd seed in this year’s tournament, not to mention reigning tennis hot-hot-hottie, Maria Sharapova!
Phhhhew! You guys rock! There are gonna be some nailbiters this year! YEEE-HAA!
Also, frankly, thank GOD I can just refer to you as your Thing. Most of these names are inutterable, finger-twisting klonskavadzekovalenko dealios. So praise the Lord above for blessed names like Dean. Mar-tin. Goo-gul. Jazz. Ham-il-ton. Additionally, praise the Lord for meee, the genius divinely inspired to rob these players of their names and their talent and their very humanity and use it for The Best Thing Ever Blog Game! Hallelujah!
All right now. Don’t get me all hopped up on the wonder that is me or I’ll just never stop talkin’.
So here we go. Player assignments, along with links for you to bio/photos of the players. Again, feel free to fall in love with everything about your player. I really think it’s essential to your overall enjoyment and satisfaction. I mean, like I always say, “Love must exist before dehumanization or dehumanization means nothing. Nothing!”
Okay. PRRO-ceed:
Dean Martin — WordGirl
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Victoria Azarenka (BLR) The upstart who beat Martina Hingis.
PostSecret — red fish
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Svetlana Kuznetsova (RUS)
The Constitution — Cullen
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Julia Vakulenko (UKR)
Alexander Hamilton — sheila
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Agnes Szavay (HUN) Little rascal who beat the No. 7 seed.
Denzel Washington — Kathi
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Tamira Paszek (AUT) Look at you, Denzel, you sexy chocolate bear — beating the No. 11 seed!
Jazz — Katie
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Agnieszka Radwanska (POL) Jazz girl is the 30th seed, 18-year-old kid who BEAT reigning US Open champ Maria Sharapova. WOW. Jazz hot, baby!
Google — Sarah
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Anna Chakvetadze (RUS) Oh, and watch out, Maria Sharapova! Google girl could be the new tennis hottie!
Paul Bunyan — Anita
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Sahar Peer (ISR)
There you go! You are your Thing. Your Thing is now your Player. Your Player plays to serve your Thing. Which sounds wrong somehow. I dunno. You figure it out. Just keep me out of it, ‘kay?
Match-ups posted soon. Work on your sad boo-byes.
And see you on the court, peeps.
