halloween hoodlums

Okay. So, apparently, some drunken hoodlums jumped out of their car on Halloween and chased after my Younger Nephew and his friends with a knife.

Yeah.

My sister told me this yesterday on the phone while I screamed. Literally. She had to time her words in between my outbursts and screams. It’s hard to be the older sister, I imagine.

Seems Nephew and three friends went up the street to check out the neighbor’s haunted house. This was Halloween night around 9. MB and I had just left to drive back home. This is a suburban area, lots of houses, but one section of the road has no houses for quite a long stretch. That’s where the boys were accosted. A car pulls up, overflowing with rowdy dudes. My nephew thought they were drunk (based on his vast experience with drunkenness.) Whatever. That doesn’t matter. Drunk or not does not matter here. They started taunting Nephew and friends, yelling, “We could kick your asses!” etc. The boys walked faster. These are just junior high school boys. My nephew just turned 14 so he’s a little older and bigger for 8th grade, but the other boys are pretty small. They’re in junior high. And I’ve met them. Good kids. Nice boys. Just wanting to stroll up the street to check out the neighborhood haunted house, for God’s sake.

The boys pick up the pace and the car follows them, then pulls over. The dudes pile out of the car, 4 or 5 of them. One of them pulls a knife. It was NOT part of a costume; they weren’t in costumes. Instantly, one of Nephew’s friends tears off up the street, hides quivering behind a bush, apparently, and calls his mom on his cell phone. God bless him. “Mom, are you coming? Mom, are you here yet?” God bless him. Then another kid runs the other way. Do not ask me why Nephew didn’t run instantly. As Sister was telling me this, I was freaking OUT inside, “Run, Nephew! RUNNNN!!!” My God. I’m having palpitations just writing this story.

Now there are just two boys left. Maybe Nephew underestimated the threat. Maybe he didn’t realize how big they were until they got out of the car. Maybe he doesn’t spook all that easily. Actually, I know that’s true. But in this case, he needed to spook and FAST. As the dudes get closer, Nephew turns to the last friend standing and says, ever the dry dry boy, “Well …. I guess we’re outnumbered,” then FINALLY, “Come on!!”

The two shoot on up the street, running, running past the long empty stretch of road. The hoodlums chase them. My God. They are chasing my nephew and his friend WITH A KNIFE up a long empty stretch of road! Nephew heads straight for the nearest house. He told my sister later, “Mom, I tried to make it look like that’s where we were going all along. Like we knew the people who lived there.” Okay. That’s good. Good strategy. As Nephew and friend ran up the walkway of the house to ring the doorbell, the hoodlums finally began to slink off down the road, back to their car.

It was too dark to identify any of them. Too dark for seeing license plates. Nephew and friend went to find their two other friends who had run off. And in typical Nephew fashion, he didn’t even mention this incident to his parents until a couple of days after the fact when his friend brought it up in carpool. “Hey, did you ever tell your mom what happened on Halloween?”

“Oh, yeaaah ….”

Ever the low-key kid. “Oh, yeah ….. drunken hoodlums chased us with a knife …. maybe they could have killed us …. yeah, no biggie ….”

My God. I want to punch him. I want to hug him.

I think next Halloween will involve helping my sister strap Nephew to a chair for the entire night.

Excuse me. I’ll just be over here, hugging myself, trying to calm my hysterical ass down, okay?

i must tell you something

I am very interested in this New First Puppy I keep hearing about.

It’s true. I am. Votes schmotes. I need to hear more about the puppy.

Now I suppose you could say, “Oh, Tracey. You’re always ‘very interested’ in every puppy you see. It’s called covetousness.” Okay. Sure. Fine. Say that if you want. But this is different because this time, I am very very interested. See that? That’s two verys, with one italicized. If there’s another level of interested, I honestly do not know what it is. And, truly? That extra level of interest comes from nothing less than my deep-seated desire to help my fellow man.

See, I’ve been thinking certain things for a long time now. Like all day. Things like: You know, Trace. They would probably need a New First Puppy Wrangler in the White House, right? I mean, Obama and Flobama (uhm, I made that up just now — for First Lady Obama — isn’t it clever and such — also who cares) can’t personally wrangle the New First Puppy. Oh, no. They will be busy-busy changing things. And those little girls of theirs are quite cute, yes, but also clearly ignorant on how to wrangle a puppy based on the fact that I’ve never ever seen them with a puppy. Not once. Whereas puppy wrangling is knowledge I clearly possess in spades based on my experience of not having had a puppy in lo! these vast yawning years since I was eight years old.

Also, let’s not forget that I visited the White House, yes, I did, when I was 13 — you know, back in the days when you could tromp all over that place with impunity and peek into the medicine cabinets in the Millard Fillmore Bathroom and find, say, an old jar of Woodrow Wilson’s hemorrhoid cream and whatnot — so I pretty much know the presidential abode like the back of my dainty white hand. Which I imagine would be used for New First Puppy wrangling in less-than-dainty ways I’d rather not dwell on here.

On top of all this, not to get all dreary on you, but neighborhood mongrels murdered my guinea pigs Cinder and Snowball in cold blood when I was 6 and nothing gives a girl a deep abiding sense of the importance of proper puppy wrangling quite like the brutal murder of her pink-eyed rodent balls at the paws of wandering sociopathic mongrels. Plus, in the aftermath of the carnage, when a girl sees her fuming dad literally fling a canine suspect down the backyard stairs with one strong righteous arm, a girl is kind of inspired and thinks, “Perhaps I, too, can fling a HORRIBLE CONSCIENCE-LESS MUTT down the stairs someday, just like daddy.”

Sighhhh ….. maybe someday.

So Obama. I know you’re hiring. Just who do you want for your New First Puppy Wrangler? The choice is obvious. Blaring.

I mean, duh.

You heard me.

Duh.

things of note to me whilst out and about on election day

~ “Hi. Here’s your secret ballot. Uhm …. let’s see ….. all the booths are taken. So just pull up a chair and fill out your ballot.”

Yeah. There were several people sitting in chairs — like a doctor’s waiting room — filling out their ballots. You know, secretly out in the open. On the upside, there was NO wait whatsoever at our polling place to cast your vote secretly out in the open.

~ The tall elderly man, standing on the corner in the rare Southern California rain, with his home-made “Yes on 8” sign. (Yes on 8 means you’re for the traditional definition of marriage.) An hour later, he was still there. Standing still as a statue. He looked like he hadn’t even moved. It was still raining.

~ A group of girls and one guy on another street corner, waving “No on 8” signs to motorists driving by. The guy’s sign said, “2 Girls Kissing Is HOT!” (Yes, because that is germane to the issue.)

~ Starbucks is giving free coffee if you’ve voted today. No, Starbucks is giving free coffee if you just say you’re going to vote. My Beloved went into a Starbucks (whaa???) very early this morning, ordered a coffee, and the girl said, “Are you going to vote today?” MB said yes. “Oh, well, here’s a free one then.” No proof of voting necessary, pippa! No sticker, no nothing! So the point of the policy is what exactly? Basically, the policy really is: “Free Coffee Today Because it’s Election Day and Regardless of Whether You Do Your Civic Duty and Actually Vote, We Will Reward You With a Free Cup of Coffee Because We Don’t Want Anybody to Feel Left Out or For Anyone to Feel We’re Being Unfair or For Anyone to Feel Bad About Themselves if They Haven’t Voted or, God Forbid, For Anyone to Sue Us Because of Our Horrible Discriminatory Business Practices! Room for Cream There, Slappy?”

~ You know, I always cherish my “I Voted” sticker. I frequently leave it on whatever article of clothing I was wearing on election day for as long as I can. When that item goes to the wash, I try to peel the worn sticker off of it in one neat piece so I can save it. It may sound strange, I suppose. It’s just a sticker, Trace. But it doesn’t feel that way to me. I don’t understand people who don’t put the sticker on themselves. I really don’t. It’s a small thing, maybe, but I look for that on election days, for the little sticker on others, for the others who participated and are proud of it, too. And no matter how they may have voted, I feel a kinship with those people. The other sticker people. My heart swells a bit when I see them. Their votes may have been the complete opposite of mine, but I feel almost like I know some small part of them, that I see a tiny sliver of who they are. And maybe I do. Maybe I sense that invisible cord that binds us and holds us all as simply Americans. I pray that it may hold us long and strong.

halloween snippets

~ We drove up to trick-or-treat with Piper on Friday. It’s tradition. She’s eight now, so who knows how many more years she’ll want to trick-or-treat with Tee Tee and Uncle Beloved. Gulp. I guess once that day comes, we’ll inflict ourselves on The Banshees until they get sick of us. Gulp. But for now, we cherish every second. And for now, she was still there in the driveway, waving to us as we pulled up. My heart exploded with joy.

~ She instantly showered us with some Halloween drawings as, well, showing-up gifts, I guess.

~ Sparky, Piper’s Tsu-chon puppy, has grown so much in the 6 weeks since I last saw him. HUGE growth spurt. Massive. Yes. He weighs 5 pounds.

~ The vet is teaching Piper how to seem more “alpha” to Sparky — which I think is so cute and helpful. I mean, to repeat, Sparky weighs 5 massive pounds. Still, apparently, Piper has been instructed to spend time each day carrying him around like a baby so that little despot will know who’s boss. Hahaha. I think I’m in love with that vet.

~ Before the big event, we played games. The first was some impossible High School Musical trivia/board/card game. Seriously. The directions made NO sense. My sister was reading the directions and none of us — not my 17-year-old nephew who was recruited to play, not my 14-year-old nephew who was recruited to play, not my sister, not MB, not me — NONE of us could make heads or tails of that stupid game. There was a whole set of cards that wasn’t even talked about in the directions. Needless to say, it was demoralizing to one and all, not being able to figure out how to play some lame-o High School Musical trivia/board/card game. Well, not “one and all.” Piper didn’t care. She had no ego wrapped up in that endeavor. The rest of us? Crushed. Crushed by our apparent collective idiocy. So we finally abandoned the rules and just asked each other the trivia questions. Oh, from High School Musical 2, which neither MB or I have ever seen. And somehow, through the wonder of guessing, I ended up winning our makeshift game.

~ After the HSM trivia/board/card game thrill-fest, we moved on to a game called “Apples to Apples.” It goes like this: Each round, you have a hand of 7 cards. They say things like “Senators” or “Goldie Hawn” or “Duct Tape.” One person each round is The Judge. The Judge turns over a card from the middle pile. Each of these cards has an adjective on it — fantastical, boring, slippery — and each player has to pick the card from their hand that they think best fits the adjective and put it in the middle of the table. The Judge then takes the cards, shuffles them up to keep it anonymous, and selects the “best” match. The person whose card is picked gets to keep the Adjective Card. Most Adjective Cards wins. So you have to be able to read your cards, duh, and choose the best fit from amongst some pretty sucky choices sometimes. And what seems like the perfect fit to you, may not seem that way to The Judge. SO subjective and vexing and fun. Sitting next to Piper, I became her official helper. She can read quite well actually; it’s just what was on her cards was mostly way beyond her knowledge base. Things like, oh, Muhammed Ali. Elizabeth Taylor. The Titanic. Paying Your Bills. Richard Nixon. Plumbers. Zaire. Etc. Poor Girl. She was a bit lost on this one, but she always wants to play. Whatever the game is, she wants to be involved. I mean, somewhere around here, I have a picture of her trying to play Texas Hold ‘Em when she was four years old. That’s Piper. Count her IN, whatever it is. So when the game started, I watched her carefully read all her cards and take in what they said as best she could. She sat quite composed for a moment, as if the things named on her cards were no stumbling blocks for her whatsoever. Everyone but Piper had played a card so her brother said, “Piper, put a card in.” A long pause. Then “Uhmm, Tee Tee ….. which one of these is boring?” I looked at her cards and whispered, “How ’bout this one? Paying Your Bills. That’s a good fit, I think.” “Oh, okay, Tee Tee.” Basically, the entire game went by like this. I played my cards and helped her decipher her cards. Well, sometimes she was able to make her own pick, but if not, it was always “Uhm, Tee Tee …..” at the very last minute. She finally won a round when MB took pity on her and just knew somehow that I had put The Titanic out there on Piper’s behalf for the word fantastical. Going on pure intuition, he chose it with a nice big flourish. She squealed in triumph. “I got the card, Tee Tee!” “All right, Pipey!!”

~ For her costume this year, Piper went as Sharpay (who else?) from High School Musical (what else?). She made sure to inform me, “This is Sharpay’s prom dress from High School Musical 1.” Oh, okay. “Is Sharpay your favorite, Piper?” “Oh, no. Sharpay isn’t very nice. I just like the way she dresses.” Oh, okay.

~ We started out trick-or-treating a bit early, I guess. Well, not that early, really. 6:20-ish. It was getting dark. But, still, there was only a trickle of kids out, which I think worked to Piper’s advantage because everyone was extremely generous. “Ohhhh, take another one, sweetie.” “Lemme give you more here, honey.” We heard this repeatedly. I’m telling you, every Halloween that kid brings the junk hommmmme. And she doesn’t really even like candy. She just likes to trick-or-treat. Hahaha. I’ve noticed over the years that men, in general, are more generous with the candy than women, at least in my sister’s neighborhood anyway. And if it’s a cute little girl tugging at their heartstrings? Fuggedaboudit. A couple of years ago, when Piper was a kitty, she’d go up to each door and say, “Trick or Treeee-eeeeat” in this high-pitched sing-song voice, stretching out the word treat into two syllables, as if she was singing it. It was basically adorable. No one told her to do this. She just did it. I have no idea where it came from. At one house, a man answered the door, Piper sang trick-or-treat to him, he suddenly closed the door and we could hear him calling, “Nancy! NANCY! You gotta come see this kid!!” Seconds later, he reopened the door with “Nancy,” I guess, and they oohed and ahhed over Piper kitty while shoving handfuls of candy into her bag. I can’t name it exactly. The kid just has that “thing.”

~ I am always proud of how she says thank you without fail and without being prompted. We tromped all up and down that hilly neighborhood for an hour and a half and, although she eventually said she was tired and we were still far from home, she never once forgot to say thank you and we never once had to prompt her. I heard lots of parents having to prompt lots of kids who should be old enough to say thank you on their own, so I was especially proud of our Sharpay. Good girl!!

~ There was an unexpected addition to the usual hearty thank you this year. I noticed that, at every house, after receiving the candy, after saying thank you, Piper would do her point-blank wave, smile, call out a cheery “Happy Halloween!” and turn to skip on back to the sidewalk where we stood waiting. It wasn’t an afterthought or an over-the-shoulder thing. No. It was on the doorstep. Eighteen inches from their faces. Every time. I want you to know that I want you to have a Happy Halloween. Hahaha. So cute. Again, no one told her to do this. It wasn’t rehearsed. It was just Piper being Piper. She’s just a good-natured kid and actually thinks of other people. Thinks of how to make them happy or how to share the joy that she feels about things. It’s something I’ve noticed over the years. It’s not a calculated thing. She doesn’t have a stage mom making her “perform” a certain way. It’s simply an outgrowth of who she is at the core. I noticed, too, that her spontaneous Halloween wishes would almost always get return wishes from neighbors, smiling through their surprise. She may have been dressed as Sharpay, but she was like a little Halloween sprite, that girl.

~ At one house, she forgot herself and when the people opened the door, she said, “Happy Hallowee — oops ….. I mean, trick or treat!!”

~ Every year, one of my favorite houses is just up the street from my sister’s. They have a small courtyard entryway with a koi pond and every year they go all out. What may be a peaceful koi pond by day turns into The Black Lagoon on Halloween. It looks deadly, dark, and bottomless. There is always something sinister in that water. You can only partly see it, but it’s always there, hinting at menace. A shadowy face. Something skeletal. You’re never entirely sure. The courtyard swirls with a dry-ice fog and eerie music whines as you tiptoe past the black lagoon. And you always tiptoe past that black lagoon because you’re always sure your eternal doom is going to rise up from its inky depths and drag you down with it into nothingness. Shiver.

~ Between houses, we’d chat about this and that, always on a Halloween theme. At one point, Piper shared with us, “You know, my friend told me that one house in her neighborhood ran out of candy last year and so the man started giving out wires and eggs and ice cubes.” She said it quite matter of factly, even the way she stretched out the words. Wiii-errrs and ehhhggs and ice cuuubes. Like she was reading a shopping list or something.

~ At one point, before we set out, MB and I were sitting on a loveseat in my sister’s living room, Piper smushed between us, chatting with my sister about some long-ago road trip she and I had taken. We were trying to remember who had been with us on this trip and I mentioned, “Oh, you know, The Moon-Faced Boy was with us!” (Although I used his real name.) Piper said, “Who’s The Moon-Faced Boy?” “Ohhh, well, he’s this guy that Tee Tee almost married.” (“Almost” was expressing it a bit dramatically, but oh, well.) “You might have had an Uncle Moon Face.”

Uh-oh. Not a good thing to say.

Because Piper, smushed between Tee Tee and her much-beloved Uncle Beloved, was NOT okay with this bit of information. Her eyes bugged out for a moment and she looked like she was going to cry or flip out in some permanent irreparable way. I tried to make the moment go away.

“Aren’t you glad you don’t have Uncle Moon Face — that you have Uncle Beloved instead?”

She snuggled HARD against MB’s chest, burying her face, and murmured, “Yes. I want Uncle Beloved.”

Later, as we reached trick-or-treating exhaustion and lumbered down the hill towards home, she mentioned it again. Holding both our hands, she said, “I’m so glad I don’t have an Uncle Moon Face …… there’s no way he could be as sweeeet and …. funnnny and …. stronnng as Uncle Beloved.” I loved the way she paused, thinking about what she wanted to add to her list. And, you know, when you’re right, you’re right, kid.

~ Back at home, we emptied approximately 2.39 tons of loot onto the kitchen table. Piper is basically unfamiliar with a lot of candy types and, really doesn’t seem to care about it too much. She’s not grasping and greedy about her stash. Quite the opposite. She always makes piles to give to her brothers, her mom, her dad. Likes to share with Tee Tee and Uncle Beloved. I think she just likes looking at the pile or the idea of the pile or thinking of what she could do with the pile. She likes to ask, “What kind do you like, Tee Tee? What kind do you like, Uncle Beloved?”

Honestly, I don’t care either, kid. Just hanging out with you is more than enough.