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SantaScam revisited

This is a post from last Christmas, but it may be new for some of you.

I just love this little incident too much NOT to repost it:

So, I’m going to hell. Yesterday, I had a phone conversation with my 4-year-old niece where I pretended to be Santa Claus.

Yup. And this blog is now my cyber confessional.

Here’s the scene: My sister and I were on the phone. In the background, I heard Piper saying she wanted to "talk on da phone." Now, she didn’t know who my sister was talking to, and once she said hello, something …. happened to me. I spontaneously, inexplicably found myself saying, in the single WORST man-voice imitation of all time, "Ho Ho Ho! Pii-perrr …. this is Saaanntaa!"

(When I re-enacted it later for My Beloved, he couldn’t look directly at me. He simply cringed and declared, "Uhh, you sound more like a ghost. Or the Movie Phone guy.")

But it’s TRUE. I DID.

So I truly thought there was no chance — NO CHANCE — that she’d fall for it. Of course, the jig would be up instantly. I mean, I’d never been able to fool her with a "voice" before. But then there was an audible gasp on the other end of the phone. I waited for her to say, chidingly, "Tee Tee, I know it’s you." But she didn’t. Her little, speech-classed voice excitedly said:

"Santa?! Hi, Santa!"

(Ohhhhhh, nooo. Flames of hell tickling my toes.)

I had a split second to decide. I was so sure she’d already be laughing at me and saying, "You so funny, Tee Tee." But once I realized she was actually BELIEVING me, I had to keep going. What was I going to DO? Stop in the face of such excitement and lamely say, "Ha ha ha. Just kidding, Piper"?

So girding my dubious wits for this festive fraud, I bellowed:

"Have you been a good girl, Pii-perrr?"

"Oh, yes, Santa. I be good," she breathed.

"Well, why don’t you tell Sanntaa what you want for Christmas?"

Holy MOLY, I sounded stupid. The hellfires were spreading. So was the sweat. At that point, I just prayed that she’d keep believing.

She said something I couldn’t quite make out, so I just replied:

"Welll, o-kaaay. Sanntaa is writing that down. What else do you want for Christmas, Pii-perrr?"

I almost cried when she said, simply, "Dust a toy."

I had to pause to take a breath.

"What kind of toy, Pii-perrr?"

"Dust a toy," she repeated.

I told her I was writing that down, too. I was about to lose it. I wasn’t sure if I’d melt into tears or laughter, but one of them was imminent.

"So, Pii-perrr, are you going to leave Sanntaa some cookies to eat?"

"Oh, yes, Santa. I wiw!"

"Ho Ho OHH, that’s good. Sanntaa likes cookies!" (Seriously, Movie Phone guy, watch out.)

"Okay," she said softly.

Finally, I said, "O-kaay, Pii-perrr. I’m coming to your house on Christmas Eve. But you need to be asleep. Okaaay, Pii-perrr?"

"Oh, yes, Santa. I be sweeping for shore."

"That’s good. You make Sanntaa verry haappy. HO HO HO! Bye Bye, Pii-perrr!"

Oh …. Sweet …. Lord …. forgive …. me. Fraud over, I collapsed back on the sofa to catch my breath. My sister was back on the line.

"Oh, thank you for calling, Santa." I could tell she was stifling laughter. She was gently coaxing Piper to leave the room so we could talk, but apparently, my niece was frozen in place, a wide-eyed, open-mouthed statue.

I told my sister, "Tell her Santa needs to talk to mommy about some Christmas surprises." (Refer to forgiveness plea above.)

She did, and Piper bolted from the room. My sister was in hysterics.

"How did you do that without laughing?"

"I don’t know!" I wailed.

"I could hear you. That was the worst voice I’ve ever heard you do."

"I know!" I wailed.

"All those years of acting and THAT’S what you come up with?"

"I KNOW!" I wailed.

It’s true — it was simultaneously the best AND worst performance I’d ever done.

"Well, I don’t know how she bought it, but she did. Her eyes were bugging out of her head."

My sister called this morning with news of the aftermath of SantaScam 2004. Apparently, immediately after the phone call, my elated niece insisted on calling her Nana and Pop-Pop to tell them Santa had called. She’s also quite adamant about the cookies. My sister tried to fob off some fudge on Santa, but Piper would have none of it. "No, Mommy. Santa wants cookies. He tole me. He tole me!"

I know. I know. Santa’s going to hell.

And without any cookies, too.

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can’t help lovin’ dat man ‘o’ mine

Continuing the birthday week homage:

My Beloved, nearly 2 years old, and his bunny.

(Look at the right hand on the window. What’s going on there? Is he attempting an escape? OR …. just coming home after a late night carousing with bunny? MB is suspiciously silent on this issue.)

And his deadpan comment on the picture?

“Manly, yes, but also loving.”

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christmas question of the day 8

If it were socially acceptable for you to play with any children’s toy, with which toy would you be spending an obsessive amount of time?

Now, my caveats: NO video games or I’ll scream! And …. not counting that there are many of you who play with toys with your kids.

No. What I mean here is — which one would you play with all by yourself a la that episode of “Seinfeld” where Jerry drugs his girlfriend and feeds her turkey and keeps pouring wine until she’s unconscious, all so he can play with the cool retro toys on her shelf.

So for which toy MIGHT you pull a “Seinfeld”?

(And please understand I mean this tongue in cheek. No need to say “Oh, I’d never do that because of Jesus,” etc. I know. I do. 😉 )

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hints ….

Okay. THIS is really the final update:

#15 was guessed by lovely reader Lyn!

THE GAME IS OFFICIALLY OVER!!

And for Sal, guesser of the elusive #28, these guys stopped by to say “Congratulations!” Well, that might be what they’d say if they’d EVER stop tippy tapping their little toes, tear themselves away from that giant mirror they have, and think of someone ELSE!

THANKS to all of you who played! Hope you had fun. I know I did!

**************

FINAL UPDATE: That # 15 is still calling you …. The Almighty wants you to guess it. He appeared to me and told me so.

Then he told me to go somewhere far, far away and talk to this feller named Pharoah and that if he didn’t listen to me ….. well …. a-HEM …..

You guys are gonna kick yourselves. You really are. I loves ya, but I WANT you to kick yourselves. I can’t be there to kick you.

**********

All right. Some wee game hints for you. I wanna see this finished!! 😉 Just one word for each one still left. Here you are:

6. governmental — solved

9. anatomical — solved

15. biblical — NOT SOLVED! COME ON, EVERYBODY. “JESUS WEPT” BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T KNOW #15!!! 😉

26. Olympiad — solved

28. Broadway — solved

29. Jewish — solved

And just guess away!! If you think you know all 6, say so! (Plus, I’ll be verrry impressed. ‘Specially about that #28. # 26, too, although I think I gave a VERY blatant hint!)

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dear ol’ dad

Here’s an old picture of my dad. (Can you tell I’ve recently discovered a stash of old photos?) Sorry the image isn’t too clear. I tell you this — I have my dad’s eyes, same shape, same color, but I’m very fair and, well, USUALLY a blonde. Although, I’ve been nearly every color and I must say I liked being a redhead a lot.

I like to embarrass my dad by saying things over these photos like “hubba hubba, Dad” or “Look at you, Dad! You’re such a hottie!” He actually blushes. And he’s not that dark, actually. He was just tan. And lemme tell ya, he’s almost 70 and he looks 50. I’m not kidding. It’s a Dorian Gray thing, complete with a picture aging in the attic somwhere. Of course, my parents’ house doesn’t have an attic — which actually makes it even MORE freakish.

Anyway, however he’s doing it, he still deserves a “hubba hubba.”

And he always has a twinkle in his eyes.

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christmas question of the day 7

If you could go anywhere at all to reflect and meditate on the meaning of Christmas, where would you go?

I need to add that I suppose we can reflect on the meaning of Christmas anywhere, but where is the place that would MOST enhance your experience of reflection?

Hmmm … I need to think about this one myself …

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game update

UPDATE TO UPDATES: ALL RIGHT. I SAID ONLY 3 EACH. I’M FEELING MAGNANIMOUS, SO NOW I’LL SAY 5. I THINK SOME OF YOU ARE HARBORING ANSWERS SECRETLY DUE TO MY PREVIOUS RULE. WE CAN FINISH IT. I KNOW WE CAN!

ANNNND ….. ANYBODY NEED MORE HINTS? I’M OPEN. LEMME KNOW IF YOU WANT A HINT ON ONE.

HERE’S A FREEBIE — THERE ARE STILL 2 MORE BIBLICAL ONES.

**************************

LATEST UPDATE: YOU GUYS ARE DOING GRRREAT!

22 DOWN, ONLY 8 TO GO!

I DID LEAVE A HINT IN THE COMMENTS SECTION OF THE GAME POST. CHECK IT OUT IF YOU DIDN’T GET IT.

I WILL POST A SPECIAL SOMETHIN’ SOMETHIN’ FOR THE GUESSER OF # 28. IT’S A LITTLE OBSCURE …. PERHAPS. 😉

ALSO, I’M CURIOUS FOR THOSE OF YOU DOING THESE WITH YOUR KIDS — WHAT HAVE SOME OF THEIR GUESSES BEEN? ANY FUNNY ONES?

KEEP GOIN’! 🙂

12 SOLVED, 18 TO GO!! COME ON, EVERYONE! YOU CAN DO IT!

Scroll down, but be sure to check out the story about MB. 😉

(And just look at that adorable picture ….)

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li’l mb


(MB, age 3, a little bruiser)

In honor of My Beloved’s birthday week, a favorite story of mine from his childhood:

Li’l MB was about 4 or 5. His mom, a nurse, was called into the hospital on an emergency and dad was at work, too, so Li’l MB and his brother were dashed off to the nearest babysitter: Cecilia Sloan, reluctant wife of Rocky Sloan.

Li’l MB and brother spent the afternoon playing nicely with each other; they were good little boys, well brought up, having a good little day. Cecilia, however, was apparently NOT having a good day. She was getting drunk.

Now, every good little boy, even in the midst of the most riveting afternoon of play, will need a potty break. Some little boys just go behind a bush, barely missing a beat. Other, better boys will stop, go in the house, and do their business. But the very best boys, finding themselves at, oh, say, someone else’s home, will ask permission to go in the house and relieve themselves.

MB, as I have established, was one of the very best boys. And when the need for a potty break presented itself in pressing fashion, he respectfully approached the boozy Cecilia Sloan, reluctant wife of Rocky Sloan.

Now, as the son of a nurse, he had learned the medically correct terms for the body’s vital excretory functions. In MB’s childhood home, there were no such words as “pee” or “poop” or “tinkle” or “wee wee.” And there were ABSOLUTELY no such words as “yellow potty” or “dirty potty,” the descriptive phrases used by Ritchie and Brian, Li’l MB’s troglodytic, melon-headed friends.

No. He and brother were taught to say “urinate” and “defecate.”

So L’il MB approached the sotted Cecilia Sloan:

” ‘Scuse me. I have to defecate.”

“What!?” Cecilia Sloan slurred.

“I have to defecate!”

“What?!? You’re suffocatin’!?”

“NOO-HO! I have to DEFECATE!” Li’l MB’s voice became urgent with need.

“SUFFOCATE!??”

“NOOO-HO!! I HAVE TO DEFECATE!!!”

Poor Li’l MB. He rocked on his heels, desperate, but Cecilia Sloan was soused, pie-eyed … stoned. She could NOT understand him, no matter how hard he tried. Maybe he should have said “dirty potty.”

Moments later, mom came to pick up her boys and a hysterical Li’l MB was in dire defecatin’ straits. A groggy Cecilia Sloan blurted:

“HE KEEPS SAYIN’ HE’S SUFFOCATIN’ !!”

Mom narrowed her eyes at silly Cecilia Sloan and looked down at her frantic, dancing boy.

“He’s NOT suffocating,” she replied, matter-of-factly. “He has to defecate!”

“Defecate?!”

Cecilia Sloan wheezed.

“What’s that?!?”

The question trailed in the air behind mom as she marched her poor little pooper home to meet his destiny.

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a game for y’all

I’ve been a bit of a lazy blogger, lately, not writing much MYSELF. I’m sorry. I’m still dealing with the effects of being sick and I tire easily. Seems I’m starting the coughing again, so I’m afraid it may be back to the doctor. I just need to take it easy, so bear with me, everyone!

But here is something that you may enjoy …. a game I inherited from my mom.

MYSTERY LETTERS!

Guess the words that the letters stand for. Some are pretty basic. Some are from songs. Some are from the Bible. Some are from movies. I guess that’s not so helpful, really. It’s a mishmash. Or mushmash, like my brain lately.

Example: 7 = DOTW is 7 = Days of the Week

See?

Rules for posting answers in the comments: Guess up to 3 that you think you know. PLEASE, NO MORE THAN 3 SO OTHERS CAN GUESS! If you want to copy it and do it with your family or friends, you may not want to look at the comments until you’re all done.

Have fun!

1. 12 = SOTZ (solved)

2. 1001 = AN (solved)

3. 88 = PK (solved)

4. 3 = BM(SHTR) (solved)

5. 12 = DOC (solved)

6. 100 = SIC (solved)

7. 5 = GR (solved)

8. 12 = MOTY (solved)

9. 20 = FAT (solved)

10. 200 = DWYPGIM (solved)

11. 1000 = WTAPIW (solved)

12. 206 = BITB (solved)

13. 128 = OIAG (solved)

14. 13 = SOTUSF (solved)

15. 10 = PIE (solved)

16. 40 = YWITW (solved)

17. 101 = D (solved)

18. 80 = DTGATW (solved)

19. 7 = BFSB (solved)

20. 3 = WM (solved)

21. 90 = DIARA (solved)

22. 40 =DANOTGF (solved)

23. 8 = NOH (solved)

24. 18 = HIAROG (solved)

25. 11 = POAFT (solved)

26. 5 = ROTOF (solved)

27. 4 = SOTY (solved)

28. 1 = SSELSST (solved)

29. 6 = POASOD (solved)

30. 9 = DIASSN (solved)