Semi-final matches tomorrow.
fixed it
Since sarahk, uhm, pointed out that the link to her awesome smack talk at Mr. Holland’s Opus Shmopus was messed up — and she wouldn’t want anyone to miss it — I fixed it.
And here’s the link againnnnn. Scroll down to the comments.
Because, really, it’s important to know, sarahk loves you and does not want you to miss it. Mmkay, pippa?
Okay. Rest up, slatterns.
Big day tomorrow.
semi-final matchups!
Looks like our final four get the day off today.
So, here our the semi-final matchups for Friday morning.
Shank Jogger
US Open Women’s Player: Yanina Wickmayer BEL
VS
Ilsa’s Big Hat
US Open Women’s Player: Caroline Wozniacki DEN
AND …..
The Royal Slattern
US Open Women’s Player: Kim Clijsters BEL
VS
More Horrible Slatterns
US Open Women’s Player: Serena Williams USA
Look at the slattern match-up! Hahahahaha.
Good luck and good matches, pippa!
the latest ….
UPDATE: If anyone is confused about what’s going on, please read this post for an explanation of the game. I do try to link to it every year when the tournament comes around, but maybe I forgot this year. If you’re looking for players’ smack talk, well, it’s pretty much in every one of these current game posts. Here’s an example. Readers post comments as characters from the movies they selected. (This year’s theme for the game is Best American Movies. Different years have different themes.) Also, there’s a whole category in the side bar called “The Best Thing Ever Blog Game” dedicated to this insanity. Hope that helps!
Also don’t miss sarahk’s (The Princess Bride, or as I prefer, The Royal Slattern) harsh but characteristically adorable smack down of Mr. Holland’s Opus Shmopus in the comments here. There is great insane commentary going on in all these comment threads. Good job, pippa!! I’m constantly laughing!!
****************
Another Sad Boo-Bye.
Today, in quarterfinal action ……
Shank Jogger
US Open Women’s Player: Yanina Wickmayer BEL
replicanted — uhm, what, Trace??? — over …
The Brunch Cabal
US Open Women’s Player: Kateryna Bondarenko UKR
Later, in the locker room, everyone was civilized in victory and defeat and Shank Jogger offered The Brunch Cabal use of his dandruff shampoo. Which she graciously — and wisely — accepted.
Your game mistress is pleased — gobsmacked — but pleased by this uncharacteristic post-match courtesy.
Further results …..
Ilsa’s Big Hat
US Open Women’s Player: Caroline Wozniacki DEN
gin-jointed ….
Stupid People Die
US Open Women’s Player: Melanie Oudin USA
Which is sad. My money was on the fish.
Still, them’s good eatin’.
Boo-bye, Jaws.
the sad boo-byes continue
UPDATE: Do check out Star Wars’ Boo-Bye speech in the comments here. It went into moderation — all of them do at first when everyone is using character names, which I love — but don’t miss it. It’s a winner. Even though, uhm, Star Wars is …..well ….. a loser here.
More Horrible Slatterns
US Open Women’s Player: Serena Williams USA
Vadered over
Star Problems
US Open Women’s Player: Flavia Pennetta ITA
After the loss, Star Problems stomped off the court and promptly exploded all over the locker room in a galactic fireball of pique and tennis elbow.
Yeah. It was a real mess.
And the janitor, Jorge? Well, he was just a teensy bit pissed.
No bueno, no bueno, no bueno, he was heard to mutter while he swept up shards of tennis elbow.
First The Royal Slattern shoved inside a random locker room tuba and now …. this? I mean, cleaning up a galactic fireball of pique and tennis elbow takes A LOT of Lysol, pippa.
Boo-bye, Star Probs.
I think I even heard Jorge mutter Lo siento at your loss, but, uhm, it might have been something else.
(Don’t forget: Wednesday match-ups listed in this post.)
we announce a sad boo-bye
Alas. In quarterfinal action today ….
The Royal Slattern
US Open Women’s Player: Kim Clijsters BEL
banged the drum slowly of …..
Mr. Holland’s Deaf Kid’s Shmopus
US Open Women’s Player: Na Li CHN
Later, in the locker room, a typically petulant Mr. Holland’s Deaf Kid’s Shmopus had this to say to his opponent:
Seconds later, Mr. Holland grabbed The Royal Slattern and shoved her into the nearest tuba.
Now, your game mistress, first, is unaware that tubas are kept in the locker rooms of The Best Thing Ever Championships. She also regrets this display of unseemly language and violence and overall poor sportsmanship, but, sadly, she has come to expect this sort of churlish and unstable behavior during these yearly tournaments.
She hopes the remaining players will act with more maturity.
But she seriously doubts it.
What can one do when everyone is hopped up on the deadly steroids? she wonders.
Well, boo-bye, Mr. Holland’s Deaf Kid’s Shmopus.
We hardly knew ye.
More results to come …..
ghosts
You have them in your life, these ghosts that haunt you. Shadows of ones who at some time cast themselves long and deep across the walls of your heart. Old friends, old loves.
People who have come by chance and gone by choice.
Some go too quickly. Or too easily. They leave you, suddenly lost on the road of your life, dazed and raw and full of unanswered questions. So you stand alone in this grayed-over place looking here and there for the crumbs leading home, but you, of course, just set out on the trek too careless and sure to pack them.
Of course you did.
Over the years, these are the ghosts that haunt you again and again because you were vain enough to think that, once, when you stepped across the threshold of their lives, you tread firmly enough to leave a footprint. An impression. To matter, somehow. You can retrace the path of your life and find the clear prints they left, see their shape, but you find yourself always wondering what sand storm of amnesia or apathy or chosen forgetfulness blew across their hearts and forever buried your careful steps in their lives — or the steps you thought were so solid and sure.
But maybe it was you. All you. That’s probably it, you tell yourself. Easier to believe that than anything else. Perhaps you only tiptoed across their lives. Perhaps you stumbled badly. Perhaps the balance of your heart was uneven, out of whack. Perhaps the footing of your soul had become numbed and callused and you couldn’t feel your own tracks. However it all happened, somehow the steps you thought you took were not the steps you left behind.
So these ghosts drift through your mind, lugging the burden of questions you’ve packed for them over the years. Sometimes, you dare to gather the ghosts and place them on the witness stand in your mind. You question. Prod. Beseech. But they’re non-responsive; they evade. It’s all so unsatisfying. You just can’t get to the truth of it all. And when the verdict comes in, it’s always the same. Guilty. You, not them. You sigh a long sigh and wonder why you even bother with this — the same cold courtroom of your mind. The ghosts flit away and you don’t question them again for a long while.
But you will. You know you will. And it will turn out the same as it always does.
Then a day comes when one of those ghosts escapes the shifting walls of your mind and stands real and solid before you. You see the ghost and the ghost sees you.
And, as you always feared, the ghost is not pleased to see you.
You feel a pinprick of tears as you turn away, calling that cold courtroom of your mind to order once again.
the players — the best thing ever: america
UPDATE: Edited with your player assignments AND quarterfinal matchups for Tuesday, Sept. 8th and Wednesday September 9th. Check it out.
I went with the women’s draw because it’s just so interesting right now.
We’ve got Melanie Oudin, a 17-year-old American who defeated Maria Sharapova and is just ON, Crackie. Little spitfire. I like her.
We’ve got good ol’ Kim Clijsters, a former US Open Champion who’d been away from the game for two years to have a baby. She beat Venus Williams over the weekend and beat her GOOD. So satisfying, I gotta say.
Then we have your basic Serena Williams doing her basic Serena Williams thing.
Only four of the women remaining in this draw are actually seeded players in this year’s tournament. The No. 1 seed and No. 3 seed are OUT. It’s crazy. Kind of exciting. Really, it’s anyone’s championship at this point. Anything can happen!
Please remember: Although you may very well hear the results of these matches before your game mistress can get to them, please allow her to announce them herself. Thank you.
Don’t forget your Sad Boo-Bye Speech if you lose. Here are the guidelines on that. I’m VERY BIG on the Sad Boo-Bye Speech. VERY VERRRY BIG. The Sad Boo-Bye Speeches are some of the best parts of this whole extravaganza.
All right.
GAME ON!
Good luck and good matches, everyone!
**************
Okay. Below is our roster of players for The Best Thing Ever: America. Your selection will be assigned to a US Open player perhaps as soon as later today. I haven’t yet decided if I’m going with the men’s or women’s singles draw. I WAS decided until the women’s draw kind of burst wide open in the last few days. Venus Williams lost yesterday — (uhm, a-boo-hoo-hoo.) So at least one of the Williams’ sisters is out. I say that only because I really didn’t want another Williams (Faramir) /Williams (Jane Eyre) final like we had last year in The Best Thing Ever: England when the theme was Best Characters in English Literature.
Williams Schmilliams. Time to move along there, Crackie.
So. If I go with the women’s draw, you will be assigned to your US Open player later today. The quarterfinal matchups will be set by then.
Also, in the spirit of full disclosure, it should be noted that your game mistress HATES one of these movies with a white-hot hate, but she pledges to remain neutral and unbiased. She WILL. And no, she will not tell you which one it is. You’ll just have to guess.
Be prepared for a week of totally nonsensical, frequently drunk blogging. Just sayin’.
Okay. The playahs. Here they are:
(Tuesday’s matches)
Mr. Holland’s Deaf Kid’s Shmopus
US Open Women’s Player: Na Li CHN
VS
The Royal Slattern
US Open Women’s Player: Kim Clijsters BEL
Star Problems
US Open Women’s Player: Flavia Pennetta ITA
VS
More Horrible Slatterns
US Open Women’s Player: Serena Williams USA
**************
(Matchups for Wednesday, September 9th:)
Shank Jogger
US Open Women’s Player: Yanina Wickmayer BEL
VS
The Brunch Cabal
US Open Women’s Player: Kateryna Bondarenko UKR
Stupid People Die
US Open Women’s Player: Melanie Oudin USA
VS
Ilsa’s Big Hat
US Open Women’s Player: Caroline Wozniacki DEN
Oh, wait! What are you playing for, you ask?
Well, a DVD.
Of one of the greatest American movies ever.
Because we love movies here at Beyond the Pale.
Because we care about excellence and aesthetics, too.
Because ….. we just couldn’t resist sharing this with the winner …..
The single greatest awful movie ever.
I know. I know. You’re all jonesing for it bad. Please remain calm.
But let’s not forget: For you womenfolk, there’s a hunky 1972 Sam Elliott. For you menfolk, there’s Joan Van Ark in a butter-yellow onesie.
Sexy.
To the victor go the spoils, pippa.
the best thing ever smack talk has begun!
In the comments here.
Basically, it’s the adorably aggressive sarahk — as every character in her selection, The Princess Bride — against, well, all the rest of you players.
Han Solo has weighed in with some nice smack. Good job, Han Solo!
But all the rest of you better start bringing your A game or sarahk will eat you alive. She’s cute and all, blah blah, but she’s a little tasmanian devil. BE. WARE.
Oh, and even if you’re not a player in this year’s tournament, you may still smack.
I declare it legal.
the best thing ever: america!
All right.
Time to enter for The Best Thing Ever: America.
The theme is Best American Movies.
If you’re new to the game, here’s an explanation.
Also, IF your entry is a first-time comment, it WILL go into moderation. But, I will honor the time stamp on your comment. It’s first come, first served with the entries. So if your comment does end up in moderation, it doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t get a slot.
The Best Thing Ever starts with the quarterfinals of The US Open, so it’s eight entries total.
You are playing for a lovely and incredibly desirable prize that I’m not mentioning yet. Hahaha.
Enter now, pippa!