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annie

So My Beloved shows up at this little house to film the testimony of a retarded woman named Annie. Inside is a room of plastic-covered furniture, coffee table doilies, and wallpaper featuring pastoral scenes of pheasants and hunting dogs and whatnot. Four attorneys in attorney suits are crammed onto one of the plastic-covered sofas, decidedly uncomfortable and out of place, but they need to get to the bottom of this pressing legal matter, and obviously, Annie, the 40-year-old retarded woman, is the key to everything, so they forebear; they endure.

My Beloved sets up his camera, swears in the witness. They’re good to go. Annie just looks around the room as one of the suits stuck to the plastic starts to question her as if talking to a child.

“Annie, are you going to tell us the truth today?”

“Yeaaaaaaaaah.”

“Annie, are you going to tell us lies today?”

“Yeaaaaaaaaah.”

A pause.

“Annie, did you have breakfast today?”

“Yeaaaaaaaaaah.”

“Annie, did you fly in a spaceship today?”

“Yeaaaaaaaaaaah.”

Hm.

Moments later, the proceedings are terminated and four frustrated attorneys leave Annie alone with her plastic and doilies and pheasants.

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uhm, thank you?

For the button hat? No, the totally extreme button hat? That also looks vaguely like a mushroom?

Wow. I am speechless with something like gratitude, is what I would say if that were even remotely true.

Please excuse me. I’m trying to figure out how one wears a be-buttoned woolen mushroom atop one’s head. I mean ……

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Do you tilt it forward? So people in front of you can see more buttons? I mean, I don’t want people to misunderstand the point of the hat which is, obviously, that some old gammie went nuts clearing out her button drawer and in an act of both relief and passive aggression, made this hat and sent it out into the world for you to purchase and give to me, a person you claim to love. Or perhaps to re-gift to me, a person you claim to love.

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Do you push it back? So people behind you can see more buttons and laugh at you behind your back but you just don’t care because they’re behind your back? This option appeals to me.

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Do you try to make it flat, like a saucer of buttons atop your head? Is that what you do? And, I ask you, what girl hasn’t yearned for a saucer of buttons to adorn her head at some point her life?

You know, honestly, it’s all too much. The responsibility and mental energy this cap requires is more than I can handle. It’s truly beyond me. Plus, with that army of buttons weighing it down, the thing is just a migraine in the making. I also worry about being dive-bombed and pecked by random frightening crows searching for food.

So, again, thank you? You shouldn’t have? I am so looking forward to ….. uhm, leaving this outside on the next rainy day and — que lastima! — shrinking it to a size way too small for my giant head.

Tsk, tsk.

Unfortunate.

These things happen.

Tough break, you know?

Or ….. wait. I may have just found the new prize for The Best Thing Ever: America.

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the sudden yurt commune: our flagship

It may or may not surprise you to learn that I regularly scour the web for additions to The Sudden Yurt Commune.

And today, I found exactly the kind of vessel I would want for our flagship. I’m jonesing bad for these:

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It’s a handmade boat, part of a floating art project called The Swimming Cities of Serenissima.

Description: The Swimming Cities of Serenissima is a fleet of three intricately hand crafted vessels that will navigate the Adriatic Sea from the Litoral region of Slovenia to Venice, Italy in May of 2009. Designed by the visual artist SWOON, the floating sculptures are descendants of the Swimming Cities of Switchback Sea (Hudson River, 2008) and the Miss Rockaway Armada (Mississippi River, 2006 and 2007).

Uhm, whatever, Pretensio. Just look at ’em. That’s all you need to do.

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(all photos Tod Seelie)

Aren’t they amazing? So magical and whimsical.

Further info on the project here.

And, please, you must go here for more photos — they’re gorgeous, breathtaking, every last one — and to follow the tale of their journey.

The SYC needs one of these, don’t you think?

So we can all float down a river, out to sea, to the end of the world, wherever …..

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nosy friday survey: a mall theme

I was just at the mall — the holiday weekend mall — and at one point I literally had to escape to a dressing room just so I could curl up into fetal position and have some me time. I didn’t have anything to try on; I just needed some alone time to, you know, quiver and suck my thumb. I do this frequently because I am prone to flappy-armed anxiety when there are just too many people around. Really, they’re not so much dressing rooms to me as my personal and momentary studio apartment. So that’s nice.

You see, I hate the mall and I hate shopping and I really don’t know when that all began for me but that attitude seems to be here to stay. If you feel the same as I do, I really recommend the dressing room/studio apartment escape tactic. You just sit there or — bonus — lie down if there’s a bench and ignore all the gammies who come banging on the door because they are desperate to try on their elastic jewel-toned pants. You just tell ’em, “Gammie! They’re elastic! Eeeeelaaasssticccc. Trust me, they’ll fit! If they don’t, you need to embrace the muumuu and that’s a whole different department!”

You know, because I think it’s important to be helpful while you’re being selfish. You just feel better about yourself, which I’m pretty sure is what life is all about.

So with my mall hatred fresh in mind, I have some questions for you:

(Copy and paste into comments — the usual instructions, pippa.)

1) What’s the worst thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?

2) What’s the best thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?

3) What’s your least favorite item of clothing to have to try on? Why?

4) For that matter, do you even try on clothes or do you just purchase and take your chances, figuring you can return them later?

5) T/F: I have purchased clothing to wear one time and then returned it. (I won’t judge you. Openly. To myself, oh, yes, I will, you hooligan. Otherwise, no, I love you, of course.)

6) Men: Do you sit in those limbo chairs whilst your wife tries on clothes and try to think of nice things to say about the crap she models for you or do you go elsewhere when she does that?

7) Women: Do you or would you make your man sit in those limbo chairs whilst you try on clothes? If so, uhm, WHY??? (I have no opinion on this.)

8) Men: T/F I feel completely comfortable in Victoria’s Secret or the lingerie section of any department store.

9) Fill in the blank: A trip to the mall should be no longer than _____________.

10) If you hate the mall, how do you make a trip there more bearable?

11) Women: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?

12) Men: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?

13) If you go to a mall that has a food court, where would you usually eat? I’m not talking a hostess-leads-you-to-a-table restaurant. I’m talking food court, baby.

14) What is your favorite store in your local mall?

15) T/F: I have had sex in a store dressing room. (Hey, it’s an anthropological question. It’s all for science, I swear.)

Thank you for taking my Mall Survey and I’m sorry, so very sorry, if you find yourself visiting a mall this holiday weekend. Stay home and read the Constitution instead.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone!

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another stolen moment

So I’ve bound and gagged The Banshees — as any loving aunt would
do — just so I can take three minutes to tell you this all-important thing. Get ready. Seriously. GET. READY. I mean, your little patch of earth? Well, it’s about to be completely shattered, Crackie. Please remain calm. Or sit down if you’re the excitable type. I won’t be held responsible for how your world is forever altered. I’m sorry. I just won’t.

Ready?

I finished Wuthering Heights last night and, well, that book annoyed the bejeebez outta me.

I’m not kidding. I have NO bejeebez left. Pffffft. Gone-zo.

Sadly, I don’t have time now to express my irritation with this book — because I see The Banshees are beginning to struggle against their restraints and I suppose I should do something, blahdie blahdie blah — but, oh, I WILL be talking about my irritation with this book.

You know, after I get out of jail and such.

More later, pippa.