Month: July 2007

“More latest”?? Yep. You heard me. Tha’s whut I done said.

Elsewhere today at Wimbledon:

JANE AUSTEN (Richard Gasquet, FRA)

MADE HERSELF A FINE MATCH AND THOROUGHLY EMMA-ED OVER
(ed.: Uhm, I cannot stop; I am gross)

DOUGLAS ADAMS (Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, FRA)

Upon leaving the court, but still within earshot, Mr. Adams and Miss Austen could be heard verbally sparring; he, accusing her of playing with extreme pride, no small prejudice, blahblah, and she, defending the great sense and sensibility of her entire game’s strategy. Miss Austen then mumbled something about the delightful advantage a guide to the galaxy might prove to a gentleman in the unfavourable position of making himself disagreeable in every last earthly place. She then repaired to her locker room, leaving Mr. Adams to his sullen reverie.

(Oh, forgive me, Jane Austen! I love you so much!)

Bon voyage ….. DOUGLAS ADAMS! Wave everyone!

Missy and Dave — I’ll tell ya later! It’s the 4th of July, so bear with me!

UPDATE: Go here you two!!

Well, it was a long and winding road for Simon Cowell at Wimbledon today as bang bang Roddick’s silver hammer came down upon his head.

(Uhm … I hate myself right now.)

Still, though:

THE BEATLES (Andy Roddick, USA)

after much delay, FINALLY HELTERED-SKELTERED OVER

SIMON COWELL (Paul-Henri Mathieu, FRA)

Meanwhile, back in the locker room with a different chick reporter from the one scared off by The Sex Pistols yesterday, Cowell struggled out of his tennis whites and into the kind of tight black T-shirt generally frowned upon by The All-England Tennis Club and robust heterosexuals everywhere, all whilst declaring, “Well, I don’t know why they keep getting put through to the next round; I mean, they’re really not very good, but it seems they’re POPular with the public, people keep voting for them, but, really, the whole thing is comPLETELY beyond me. I simply don’t get it.”

When the intrepid chick reporter asked, “Uhm, Mr. Cowell, what are you talking about?” Mr. Cowell smoothed down his chest hair and replied tersely, “Well, The Beatles, of COURSE.”

“The Beatles?”

“Yes.”

“Uhm, Mr. Cowell, sir. Do you even know where you are? This is Wimbledon. I asked you about Andy Roddick.”

“Who??”

“Andy Roddick.”

“What?? What are you talking about?? This is TOtally biZARRE. Look, you have very nice legs, but I don’t think you have the SLIGHTest idea how to conduct an interview. Now run along and find Poorla. I need more of those little pills she has. And if you can’t find her, get Churchill. Off you go.”

BOOO-BYE, SIMON!

WOO-HOO! Andy and Katie!

The exciting random drawing just occurred right here on the sofa at Chez Pale!

Check at the post of playahs to find your Wimbledon alter ego!

Ooooohhh! Will the thrills never end??

(Dave and Missy — Still waiting on yours. Rain, ACK!)

Playahs and others: A gentle reminder. Please allow the mistress and inventor of The Best Thing Ever blog game to announce the results from The All-England Tennis Club herself.

Understand that every day, all the time, without ceasing, she is at her day job as mistress of a coffeehouse loaded with kooks and malcontents and moldy be-urined hoboes. She does not use her computer at work and she understands that, of course, some of you may actually KNOW the results before she does. Please simply humor the poor crazed woman and let her announce them here. Play along and pretend you don’t know. But, really, don’t feel you have to tell her you’re just pretending.

No.

Shhhhhhh. That’s just between us.

Thennnk you.

THE MINI COOPER (Juan Carlos Ferrero, ESP)

HAS JUST RUN OVER

THE SEX PISTOLS (Janko Tipsarevic, SRB)

A truly terrible turn of events for the group. Reached for comment by some intrepid chick reporter in the locker room, The Sex Pistols went off on an uncharacteristically non-tennis-related rant, saying, “Anarchy for the UK. It’s coming sometime and maybe I give a wrong time stop a traffic line. Your future dream is a shopping scheme cause I wanna be anarchy. It’s in the city.”

They were also heard mumbling to the hapless chick reporter, “No future no future No future for you No future ….” which seemed to truly upset the poor girl. This unfamiliar Wimbledon locker room vibe was only aggravated moments later when The Sex Pistols vomited copious amounts of Gatorade and crumpets all over the young lady’s shoes.

Seconds later, the audio was mysteriously cut — too late, sadly, to miss the puke sounds being broadcast worldwide — and the chick reporter shakily asked, all bug-eyed and barfy, to go “back to the boo-bo-b-b-boof –“ Booth, we imagine. Which they did, before she ever got that word out.

So now …..

THE MINI COOPER (Juan Carlos Ferrero, ESP)

IS SLATED TO GO UP AGAINST

THE JUDICIAL SYSTEM (Roger Federer, SUI)

who/which strolled leisurely into the final 8 after ol’ Winston Churchill claimed he had a torn stomach muscle, but obviously really has a prescription drug addiction problem. So for the last couple days The Judicial System has just been sittin’ around on its lazy judicious bum, eating straawwb’ries, I guess. Typical.

See you on the courts, peeps. 😉

Drat! DRAT!! Rain delays in London today.

BUT — there is still news. FOUR more of you are now officially IN the game — randomly assigned a player who’s made it to the 4th round.

Check here to see!

ALSO: Winston Churchill/Tommy Haas (GER) has withdrawn from the tournament, suffering from a torn stomach muscle. Reached for comment, Winston Churchill said, “I took pain-killers in the middle of the match and they helped, as did the adrenalin you get from playing a match, but the ultrasound showed that there was a bad tear.”

Sure, Winston Churchill. Suuuure. All hopped up on pain-killers and adrenaline you are. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Really. I had no idea. “British Bulldog” my butt.

Anyway — No breakfast at Wimbledon for you. You’re off to Germany with Mr. Haas, I guess. Eat some strudel; you’ll feel better. Smush some more of those pain-killers in it.

Oh!

Wait! I almost forgot this match-up! Apparently, coming soon-ish, in some unknown rain-free future, is:

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE (Thomas Berdych, CZE)

VS.

TYPHOO INSTANT WHITE TEA (Jonas Bjorkman, SWE)

Uhm, Mr. Shakespeare, sir, I’m worried about you — what with those stifling hose and stuffy breeches and that codpiece unnecessarily broiling your boys. I mean, you’re up against tea! TEA! A refreshing beverage! Enjoyed hot or cold! But cold — COLD! — it’s so, well, revitalizing and beneficial and all.

Please do consider, sir, letting your cod swing cool and free.

I’m just sayin’ is all.

We haaave:

THE BEATLES (Andy Roddick, USA)

VS.

SIMON COWELL (Paul-Henri Mathieu, FRA)

ANND:

JANE AUSTEN (Richard Gasquet, FRA)

VS.

DOUGLAS ADAMS (Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, FRA)

FINALLY:

THE MINI COOPER (Juan Carlos Ferrero, ESP)

VS.

THE SEX PISTOLS (Janko Tipsarevic, SRB)

Now, shake hands everybody.

Excessive cursing will get you fined.

Excessive grunting is distracting and gross. Remember, the Duchess of Kent may be watching.

And Sex Pistols, this IS the All-England Club. You must wear the white. Actually, you too, Simon Cowell. Thennk you evahh sa’much.

Oh, and sorry to sic Simon on you, Beatles.

Okay. Well, The Best Thing Ever Blog Game boils down to this: Random meaningless chance combined with my abiding love of tennis to create a spicy melange of MAADDDDNESS!

So as some of you may know, The Wimbledon Championships are being played right now at The All-England Tennis Club. That’s why I asked you to pick something distinctly English. In honor of the occasion, you see.

So it works like this: The fortunes of your personal Best Thing Ever are now tied to a particular player in the Championships. Each of your Best Things is paired with a player and your Best Thing will share the same fate as your player. See how it works? Oh, and the tournament is utterly merciless single elimination. Naturally, in the end, only one will prevail as Champion and The Best Thing Ever: England!!

Here’s what I did:

First of all, I decided, rather randomly, to stick with the men’s singles side of the draw. Then, I allowed for 16 entries because the 4th round of play starts tomorrow and there are 16 players in the round. Right now, because of rain delays, only half of the 16 have been decided. So eight of you are assigned right now; eight will be assigned by — probably, weather depending — tomorrow.

Then I wrote the players’ names on slips of paper and put them in one bowl. The names of your Things on other slips of paper and put them in another bowl. Then I turned to the dashing and handsome MB for help and he said, “What the heck do you want me to do??” then I had to overexplain it — like now — to get him to start pulling out one player/one thing, one player/one thing, til they were all paired up! Uhm, all except half! (Remember how half of your Things are player-less until tomorrow — Monday?)

So go to the post below to see if you’re paired yet — and if you are, WHO YOU’RE PAIRED WITH!!

Stay tuned for each day’s matches, winners, and losers.

No. Wait! I take it back! You’re ALL winners! Everyone comes first! It’s all GOOOD!

Personally, I’m looking forward to some interesting pairings. Like maybe some, oh, Jane Austen v. The Sex Pistols ‘er somethin’!!

See you on the court, peeps. 😉