the negotiator again

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The Negotiator is a tough nut to crack.

BANSHEE BOY: Tee Tee.
ME: Yes?
BB: Please to not tink I eem moved by your do-inks.
ME: Uhmm …… I really don’t know what you meannn ……
BB: Please. Tee Tee. Let us speak de troot here.
ME: Uh, sure.
BB: I see you do-ink dat ting you are do-ink.
ME: You mean, looking at you?
BB: Tee Tee. No.
ME: You mean …… taking your picture?
BB: Tee Tee. Please to not pretend vit me.
ME: But —
BB: I see you do-ink dat ting vit your lips.
ME: What thing?
BB: Vhere you mek your lips become like de blubber.
ME: Blubber?
BB: And vhere dey move vedy fast.
ME: Oh, really? Hm.
BB: And vhere you mek de veird noise.
ME: There’s a noise?
BB: Yes! Tee Tee. Please speak de troot! You are tryink to mek me lef.
ME: “Lef”?
BB: Yes. De “ha ha ha” ting.
ME: Oh, I see.
BB: Yes! Tee Tee! And I eem not moved by your do-inks, hokay?
ME: Sure. Okay, Banshee Boy. Whatever you say. We’ll see.
BB: No! Ve vill not “see.”
ME: We’ll see if we’ll see.
BB: Please to mek sense, Tee Tee.
ME: That’s not how I roll, kid.
BB: Vell, den, I vill say dat ve vill see if ve vill see if ve vill see.
ME: All righty. So. Isn’t it your bedtime now?
BB: Yes. I find I grow veary, Tee Tee. Please to carry me to my crib.

the negotiator, part deux

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ME: Banshee Boy?

ME: Banshee Boy?

ME: Banshee?

ME: Boy?

ME: Uhh …….. you okay?

ME: Why are you looking at me like that?

ME: Why?

ME: What did I do to you?

ME: I fed you.

ME: I burped you.

ME: I haven’t even touched your diaper and made you scream. Yet.

ME: Why? Tell me. WHY??

BB: Tee Tee.

ME: Yes!

BB: Why you lef at me?

ME: What??

BB: You lef at me. I hear you. You lef and say my fes is round “like a circle.” Dees is vhat you say.

ME: Well ……….

BB: Your verds, dey make me feel deesmay and de gobsmacked.

ME: Deesmay and de gobsmacked?

BB: Dat is vhat I say, Tee Tee.

ME: I’m sorry.

BB: Please to leef me alone to process dees feelings.

ME: Okay.

BB: Please to leef my binky.

ME: Sure.

BB: You go now.

ME: Right. I go now.

where i just sit and snap photos of human rights violations

In the background of this photo, please note the scattered remains of Original Banshee’s makeshift “fort village” which was demolished by the remorseless grinning despot we know as Baby Banshee. In the wake of this destruction, Original Banshee, now homeless and desperate, has fled in fear for her life and also because mom said she could have a Go-Gurt. In the foreground, BB is shaking down one of the hapless villagers who can’t flee because he can’t walk although he can roll over but not fast enough or repeatedly enough to escape his screeching fate at her hands.

Look at her glee in the face of his suffering!

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You may destroy his village, but shake him down that hard, Baby Banshee, and he will spit up on you, as his last defiant act against your tyranny.

Sure, I could intervene, but I am the impartial photojournalist.

Secretly rooting for the spit up.

The whole thing is an atrocity, really.

the negotiator

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BANSHEE BOY: So. Tee Tee. Ve meet agin.
ME: It seems we do.
BB: Vhat is dees offer you heef for me?
ME: Well, it’s like this, booboo. Your butt smells and you need a diaper change.
BB: Dis, I do not beleef.
ME: You’re 3 months old. Your sense of smell is underdeveloped.
BB: Vhat is counteroffer?
ME: What?? I don’t have one. You’re supposed to have one. That’s the offer: diaper change or rash.
BB: Is rash like cruddle kep on my head?
ME: Kind of, except it’s on your butt.
BB: Vell, den. We heef a deal.
ME: The elastic pants are coming off, bub.
BB: What feex you have for Polish sausage arms?
ME: That’s God’s job, kid.
BB: Mebbe I can negotiate with heem?
ME: Yeah. Good luck with that.
BB: You geef me much to tink about, Tee Tee.
ME: Great. I’m covering up your woowoo so you don’t pee on me.
BB: Vedy gud. Hokay. Dis is part vhere I scream and cry.
ME: Yeah, me too. (pause with screaming) Okay. All done.
BB: Gud. Until next time, Tee Tee.
ME: Yes, until next time, booboo.

banshee boy

Yes, I do know how to hold a baby. Yes, his head is perfectly supported with my arm right in the crook of his neck, but I tell you true: this was his preferred position. He fussed and fussed with his head held more upright — you know, the way normal people hold babies. But the Floppy Baby position combined with the gentle twisting of my upper torso? Well, pippa, that boy was suddenly off on some crazy baby acid trip. Whenever I held him, he squirmed his way into this position. We had a symbiotic thing going on. “Tee Tee, I’m flopping my head. Do the twisty thing.” “Okay, kid.”

Here, he’s about to fall asleep, but moments before, I was standing near the window gently twisting while he was gazing wide-eyed at an upside down world. Thrilling when you’re 50 days old. So basically I’m creating a spatial genius is what I’m doing. Or a mentally impaired child. We’ll see.

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(Look at the precious flop of that jowl, though. The face says so adorable. The diaper says SO offensive.)

“giant very close veins”

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I am Baby Banshee. Tee Tee let me draw on her foot with pens and now I’m drawing on mine. Mom and Dad will be thrilled, we’re pretty sure. Tee Tee takes crummy cell phone pictures, but in her defense, my 7-week old baby brother just spit up on her. It was gross. You should see Tee Tee’s pasty white calf. I covered it with swirling blue pen marks. She said they looked like things called “giant very close veins.” Uncle Beloved agreed. I don’t know what those are so I said, “What are giant very close veins, Tee Tee?” But she just sighed.

I think it looks pretty.

tee tee x 6

I will become Tee Tee x 6 at some point in the next 24 hours, I imagine.

SIL was induced this morning.

Banshee BOY is on his way!!

A boy banshee.

Yamahama.

queen of the new year 2010

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Rosette, The Queen of the New Year 2010. As suggested by Original Banshee. (Yes, last year.)

The backstory.

On New Year’s Day of 2010, we were up at my brother’s house, eating, hanging out, etc. I took my entire “Club of Curious Friends” girls to show them to my sister-in-law who had asked about them, but Original Banshee caught a glimpse and just freaked out — in a good way — at the sight of them. She immediately began talking in all capital letters.

“TEE TEE! WHAT ARE THESE?”

“Well, they’re some girls I painted.”

“I LOVE THEM, TEE TEE!”

“Thanks, sweetie.”

“I WANT TO HAVE THEM ALL!!”

“Aw, thanks, Banshee.”

“WHY DO THEY EACH HAVE AN ANIMAL??”

“Well, the animals are their friends.”

“THEY’RE KIND OF FUNNY FRIENDS!”

“Yep. I know.”

“I LIKE THAT!”

“Thank you.”

“TEE TEE, CAN I LAY THEM ALL OUT ON THE FLOOR?? I WANT TO SEE THEM ALL AT ONCE. CAN I??”

My sister-in-law interjected. “Banshee, if Tee Tee says yes, you need to be very very careful with them, okay?”

“YES, MOMMY!!”

She was just so ramped up. Could not modulate herself. While I love that about her, I also wondered if I should check her vital signs because I’m a caring and diligent aunt that way. Her eyes were spinning around like pinwheels in a gale force wind. She was breathing in fits and starts. Basically, she was going to need to be institutionalized and lobotomized, all over The Club of Curious Friends.

Well, it is curious.

I sat and watched as, one by one, she held each painting like a feather on her palm and placed it on the carpet in front of us. She laid them out in three rows, adjusting each one until it was perfectly straight, perfectly lined up in the row. She is adorably OCD. I enjoy it because it’s her problem, you see, not mine. She continued speaking in all capital letters until her mom shushed her a bit, reminding her that Baby Banshee and other babies in a 53-mile radius were trying to nap.

“Tee Tee, do they have names?”

“Yep. Well, most of them. Some of them I haven’t named yet.”

“Do the animals have names?”

“Yep, they do too.”

She pointed to each girl and creature in turn, asking their names and didn’t spare me her candid opinion on each of the names.

“What’s her name?”

“Ursula.”

She wrinkled her nose and shook her head.

“No, Tee Tee.”

“No?”

“I don’t like it.”

“Really? Okay. Tell me why.”

“Well, Tee Tee, Ursula is the mean lady in The Little Mermaid. She can’t be Ursula!”

“Oh, you know what? I didn’t even think about that. You’re right. She needs a new name.”

She glanced up at me with pleading blue eyes.

“Can I name her, Tee Tee? Pleeeeease, can I?”

Hm. I’m thinking no, actually. I mean, would I end up with Rosie Fallulah Flowerbeam or something?

Despite that thought, I heard the words “sure, sweetie” coming out of my mouth. Too late now. I can’t say no to those blue eyes. It’s dangerous.

She gently picked up “Ursula” and held her in her lap, staring intently at her.

Uh-oh. Here comes Cherry Gingerbread Poofadoo.

“She looks like a Phoebe.”

Wow.

“Banshee! What a great name! I love it!”

“Really, Tee Tee?”

“Yeah. That’s perfect! She does look like a Phoebe.”

With that, the floodgates opened. The Banshee became a naming machine. She searched through my bag for the smallest drawings or the merest scraps of sketches and began proclaiming who they were. She was good at it too.
She even decided the narwhal in one of my unfinished Curious Friends paintings should be named Larry.

Larry the Narwhal. Perfect.

Late on that New Year’s afternoon we all went for a walk. The Banshee held my hand — a rare thing for her to hold anyone’s hand — and discussed The Club at length with me. Out of the blue, she exclaimed,”You should have a Queen of the New Year, Tee Tee!”

“That’s a good idea, Banshee. What would she be like?”

“Well, her dress would be pink and have flowers and she would have a crown and her name would be Rosette.”

So that’s who she is. She does not have a friend. She is not in The Club.

She is the Queen.

On New Year’s day of this year, the Banshee requested a new queen for 2011. All I can really remember of the truly dizzying details/parameters/commands set forth by Banshee for this new queen — which I swear involved armatures and slide projections at one point — is that her name will be Coral.

Coral, Queen of the New Year 2011.

Don’t tell The Banshee I’m procrastinating on Coral.

But, honestly, I’m a wee bit terrified.

banshee’s party invitation

Original Banshee was 4 the day she created a carefully handwritten scroll with a party invitation for the unnamed princess. She summoned us all to the living room for The Reading of The Scroll.

We sat, her parents, MB and I, while she unrolled her old timey 8 1/2 x 11 Staples copy paper scroll, dramatically cleared her throat, and read in proper old timey English:

Dear Princess,

Please come to the party. You can wear good clothes or awful clothes. But let us know what the deal is. You should probably wear pretty clothes. And tell us what pretty clothes are. That is all.

Let us know.

Yes, Princess, please let us know what pretty clothes are as I, myself, sometimes struggle to discern this.

I just need to know what the deal is.

That is all.

the phone call

The phone rang on Sunday night. A little voice was on the other end.

ME: Hello?
ORIGINAL BANSHEE: Tee Tee? It’s The Banshee.
ME: Hi, Banshee!
OB: Tee Tee, I got the part of Gretl!
ME: You did?? Wow, sweetie! Congratulations! I am SO proud of you!
OB: Thank you.
ME: So let’s see. Which songs do you get to be in? “Do Re Mi” …. “My Favorite Things” ….
OB: “So Long, Farewell.” Almost all of them, Tee Tee!
ME: Oh, you’ll have a solo in that one.
OB: Yeah.
ME: Are you excited?
OB: Yeah!
ME: When do rehearsals start?
OB: Monday, Tee Tee!
ME: Wow. You’re starting right away. I’m so proud of you, Banshee! Thanks for calling to tell me.
OB: You’re welcome.
ME: I love you, sweetie.
OB: I love you too, Tee Tee. Bye!

And so it begins. My 6-year-old niece beat out 60 other little kids for the part of Gretl in The Sound of Music.

Sure, it’s this spring’s high school musical at the private Christian school that didn’t hire me last summer for the high school drama position. So that part kills me a bit — that this other Betty gets to direct my niece in her first big play. (Please tell me, pippa, NOT to casually drop in at rehearsals and be an obnoxious buttinsky like my evil heart is begging me to do.) On top of that, I know most of the other kids in the cast because they were my students several years ago when I taught there. Lots of emotions banging around on this one, but mostly, I’m so proud of the kid.

She’s been bitten by the bug even earlier than I was.

Oh, dear.

(I do hope it’s not awkward if I run into the headmaster on opening night: “Oh, hi. I’m The Banshee’s aunt. The one who sent you that ass-kicking letter? Yeah. Um ….. sooooo …. “The Lonely Goatherd” rocked, don’t you think?”)