cross-examining an ad

The other day, I was on some Hollywood site doing vital research on the upcoming movie, Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter. (Think what you must of me.)

While there, I saw the ad below in the sidebar of the page and I am still flummoxed.

So, I was wondering, ad, if I could I ask you some questions? Would that be all right with you?

I’ll take your silence as tacit agreement.

All right. You claim I can “triple my sexiness in 7 days,” but I’m curious how you came to these figures. How is this measured? Do you weigh me? Put a cuff around my arm? Draw blood? I’m sorry, ad, but wouldn’t you need to know my baseline sexiness before you can claim to triple that amount? How can you triple X if you don’t know what X is? And, yes, you heard me, ad, I said triple X. But what if I don’t want to triple it? What if I only want to double it? How can I make sure I stop or slow the effects of your product so I don’t get, you know, toooo sexy? On the other hand, what if triple isn’t enough? What if I want to quadruple it or more? Would I need to purchase more of your product in order to achieve those results? And why is it precisely 7 days? God rested on the 7th day, as you may or may not know, so what if I’m tired from all this tripling of my sexiness and need to rest on that 7th day? Does that then negate all the results of the previous 6 days? Do I lose “sexy” ground?

What’s even more perplexing, you claim you can help “boost my sex appeal NOW!” — so which is it? Is it “NOW!” or in 7 days? “NOW!” is NOW. 7 days is 7 days.

Honestly, ad, if you’re not clear on those two things, then I’m pretty sure you can’t help increase my “sexiness” NOW! … or in 7 days ….. or ever.