I had a weird issue with a friend on Facebook today. It was minor, but irritating.
The issue? Friend got annoyed with me because I don’t let people post on my Wall. I tried to shuffle and joke my way out of it, all the while feeling like an ass simply because it’s my choice not to let people post on my Wall. They can comment, sure, but not post. It almost felt like she took it personally and it’s not personal. It’s not about her. I don’t make this option available to any FB friends, so it’s even Steven on that score.
And isn’t this personal preference? Can’t I set up my FB page the way I want? Aren’t those choices made available by FB so that people can, uh, make them? So is this what happens? FB people nag you about your choices because they’re not the same as theirs?
Life’s too short, pippa.
My FB enthusiasm, on life support to begin with, may be unplugged really soon. It feels like yet another place to have misunderstandings online.
“It feels like yet another place to have misunderstandings online.”
I love you for this. Seriously. You just summed up Facebook in ten words.
Agree with Random Thoughts. I am trying to keep my FB exposure to a minumum because of this….
You can absolutely set it up any way you want. I think it’s a resource that each person uses differently. I try to resist putting too much on my wall MYSELF. I leave it open for others to post. And it creates this goofy discourse between people who know me. My cousins in Australia will end up having a conversation with my ex boyfriend in Maine and my childhood best friend in St. Louis and the girl I met doing a show two months ago. I like that. π
If I put something up it’s usually a link to something I wish to share OR an alert that I’m on my way to a favorite bar downtown for karaoke and I’m hoping people will join me there. I also block some people from anything other than being able to message me because I don’t know them well and I block the ability to see photos and videos I am tagged in – because I do theater with 20 year olds who think taking pictures in the dressing room is BRILLIANT. We all have things we do and don’t leave accessible on there. π
This is just MY way of using facebook. I think the trick is to decide what works for you, do that, and be very plain about it. When someone is bothered that they can’t write on your wall, you look at them and smile and just say, “Oh? I’m sorry that bothers you. But that’s not what I use Facebook for.”
It’s a nice way of saying, “Hi! We’re both grown ups. Mmmmkay?”
It is personal preference and this is America darn it. Exercise your freedoms.
A sign of my lengthy exposure to Facebook? I instinctively look for the place where I can click “like” next to Brian’s comment.
I guess what made things turn weird for me was when she said, “This is how life works, Tracey Lynn.” (NOT my middle name, btw. Just a silly name she calls me.)
I mean, I know her and I felt like she was actually annoyed with me and it seemed so strange a thing to be annoyed about, you know? I couldn’t wrap my brain around it and was trying to tippy toe my way out of the whole thing.
Sighh. I don’t know. Bleh.
I guess that there are expectations that people place on you now that you have opened yourself up to more exposure through FB. I have finally gotten over the guilt of having to say happy birthday to everyone on FB. And, I have unfriended people that I haven’t “talked” to in over a year. I figure that if we don’t have much to say to each other in that period of time it’s not a friendship.
Kathi — The thing that’s weird to me is anyone wanting me to “do” FB the same way they do FB. In terms of something like this, I think the motto has to be live and let live, you know?
She probably was annoyed – but she’ll get over it. I have had some of those reactions from people. I look at it this way – when you keep a good head about you in Facebook interaction and refuse to be swayed by other people telling you you HAVE to participate in all FB options/activities – you are doing a public service. If she wants to talk to you on facebook, she can comment on a photo, send you a direct message or post her own status with a link to you by writing “@Tracey_____” – she has options.
You aren’t doing anything weird! Some people just don’t bother to learn that Facebook has a lot of options and you DON’T have to use all aspects of it.
Think of it this way – do you open comments on all your blog posts? No. One of the features you have chosen to utilize is that some posts do not have a link for commenting. Will that upset some people? Yes. Some people will be all looney and about it and email you and want to know why there was no option for commenting on that post – as if they have some right for you to always blog in one way and following their rules.
Does this make you choosing to utilize that option wrong? NOPE! π
WHY is this “how life works”? I’d be supremely annoyed if someone just shot that at me instead of respecting my wishes about how I want things to run in my own little corner of the Interwebs. I mean, if I have you over for dinner and you start rearranging my furniture, is that “how life works”? If I’m shopping and you start putting items I don’t want to buy into my cart, because they’re healthier than the stuff that’s in there, is that “how life works”?
Geez, if there’s one thing that REALLY frosts me about modern life, it’s how easily people assume the right to impose terms on others. Then they marry that to a sense of outraged dignity when you suggest that maybe they should act a little more politely. They’ll sniff haughtily when you give your kid a cupcake, but tell them that their own precious darling is busy setting fire to the produce aisle? HOW DARE YOU!
Since when are common courtesy and “live and let live” things to apologize for?
Facebook really is like high school. There’s a group dynamic, you are pressured to play it the same way as everyone else.
I don’t like people to tag me, I don’t like people to put things on my Wall – although I tolerate it to some degree. I do remove tags all the time, though. If I feel annoyed, or if I want to promote my OWN stuff on FB and not have it cluttered with things “people want me to see”, then I just ruthlessly remove tags.
I have never been a “joiner”. I am an individual and group-dynamics make me nervous, in general. If I sense that everyone is doing one thing, then I instinctively want to do the opposite – mERELY to assert my independence. Which may be immature, but I’ve been out of high school a long time.
I’ve also been blogging and writing publicly for a long long time. Lots of people on FB are like little kids with their first “blogs”. They want you to participate with them. I have one girl who tags me ALL THE TIME – for nothing – she just wants me to come look at her page, or her video clip. It’s like the old “trackback” thing that people used to do back in the heyday of blogs. Even FRIENDS would do this to me. I would get a “trackback” alert thinking that a post was somehow referencing something I had written or was in some way relevant – but no: that person just wanted a link to their site on my blog, and wanted to draw me over.
Shady and stupid. Not malevolent, necessarily – but the crazy tagging of this one girl was similar to that. I finally just started removing the tags every time she did it – and she finally emailed me, “Do you not like me tagging you?”
Wow, what clued you in. I don’t want my entire Facebook wall to be filled up with links to YOU and your videos!
Anyway, I think FB really is a personal thing and – like any other venue on line – you have to set the boundaries that feel comfortable to you.
Geez, I didn’t know you COULD stop people from publishing on your Wall; I rarely post on others’ Wall because you almost have to talk in code as the hundreds of “friends” will also get updated with my post.
Sheila makes a great observation as FB is absolutely the equivalent of a blog from the early days, 2001ish. I agree with everyone else. It’s YOUR page and YOUR rules. As you state, Facebook purposely added the features your using for a reason.
sheila — //I have never been a Γ’β¬ΕjoinerΓ’β¬Β. I am an individual and group-dynamics make me nervous, in general. If I sense that everyone is doing one thing, then I instinctively want to do the opposite – mERELY to assert my independence.//
Yep. My kneejerk response is immediately “I don’t want to do it — mainly because everyone else IS.”
Marisa — You’re right about those options. I didn’t even think of those.
NF — Exactly!
There are lots of ways the world works that I don’t like, but this doesn’t have to be one of them.
JFH – You can also post on a friend’s FB page, but then delete the related entry (“JFH commented on…” etc.) on your wall. This should prevent it from showing up in the news feed on the home page of friends who are not ALSO friends with the person whose wall you wrote on.
I delete all alerts of that nature on my FB wall. It minimizes the number of people who see every little thing I do.
You can also customize your controls so that SOME people can write on your wall while people who you don’t know as well can’t even see your wall.
I may give all of this too much thought. I like boundaries.
I need to adjust my privacy settings. Didnt realize how specific they could be. Thanks Marisa.
Tracey, you’re completely missing the real reason to be on Facebook: playing Scrabble. And gagaing over pictures of Buttercup.
Marisa — We are totally on the same page on boundaries.
I do think FB could make it easier to manage the “behind the scenes” part of your FB page. It’s a bit of a labyrinth.
sarahk — This may shock you to know, but I’ve never played Scrabble all that much. Other word games, yes, but not Scrabble so much.
I’m with sarahk. I play Scrabble (Think I’ve even played her a few times) and use the rest of FB like I use blogs. The most I might write on another person’s wall is Happy Birthday and I’m not even good about doing that. How other people use FB is their business. Not sure if I would ignore someone like that, try to explain myself, or revel in my nuisance ability. I would not have any guilt about it, though. You’re definitely a better person than me, Tracey. π
//or revel in my nuisance ability//
hahahahahahahah! I love that. Facebook – where you can irritate your friends by doing things your own way.
Tracey – the funny thing is that in many ways they HAVE made it simpler – it’s been a gradual process – because in previous versions of Facebook (before some recent updates) you had to sort of play with the privacy settings and I spent FOREVER figuring out how to place settings that, when combined, created the desired boundaries. It was VERY trial-and-error and I think some of the things I tricked my account into doing weren’t even supposed to be possible – were just results of several settings interacting with each other in a specific way.
Then Facebook came in and reconfigured their privacy settings so that ANYONE could just fine-tune them and all my hard work had to be done over from scratch!
::shakes fists at the powers that be of teh interweb::
I think they’re working on it but the current version is an attempt to allow a lot of control and for people like us to be able to do Facebook our own way without being forced to participate in all aspects.
Oh, and I know so many people use it for games – and I don’t AT ALL! People send me requests for Scrabble and Farmville and Trivia and I just ignore them. I have block news feeds about all games and activities like that. I’m sure my refusal to engage in that aspect of Facebook irritates some people. Ah well. π
Here’s my latest FB thing I can’t stand…when couples post love notes to each other on their pages. Then on your feed you see everything that they’ve posted to each other. It makes me wonder why they do this. Is it to let people know that they don’t have to worry about their marriage? We’re ok! Look at all the “I love you’s” and “You’re the best babe!” posts we do back and forth to each other.
It’s annoying to me. Get a room! Because really, I think it’s just foreplay.