snippets

“You’re accusing me of all kinds of MADNESS!!”

“I know who I’m talking to!!”

*****

“‘Low flow toilets for your low flow life.’ That could be the ad. Stupid things.”

*****

“You know, I don’t wanna feel like I need to give my toilet the Heimlich maneuver.”

*****

“Instead of beeping out profanity in songs, the singer could just do a raspberry himself. That would be so much more fun.”

“So you think Eminem’s songs should just go “pfffft pfffftypffft pfffffft pffft pfffypfft “?

“Yes.”

*****
Calling the birthday boy’s cellphone:

“Hello?”

pause …. laughter in the background ….

“Hello.”

“What’s with the weird pause?”

“Well, I thought you were gonna talk in a weird Swedish voice or something, Aunt Tracey.”

“WHAT??? That is SO insane.”

“I KNOW. I can’t believe I thought that.”

“Me either. Weirdo.”

******

“So about these chicks who follow you around at school …”

“Yeah?”

“Do you need a bodyguard or something?”

“Hm. I’ll let you know, Tee Tee.”

“No! Not me! Uncle Beloved.”

“Oh.”

“I’d be no good.”

“True.”

“I’m little.”

“Yeah.”

“And weak.”

“That too.”

“Plus, all I’d be doing is saying, ‘Ooooh, come over here, girls. Isn’t he SO cute?? He’s just SO CUTE!! Don’t you want to date him??'”

laughing …

“Yeah. Kinda the opposite of a bodyguard, Tee Tee.”

“Exactly. So you really have no interest in that?”

“No.”

“I’m hurt.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Hm. ‘Member when you used to love me?”

“I still love you, Tee Tee.”

“Okay. I love you too. Sorry you’re old now.”

“Thanks.”

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