(Read the post below this one first or this might not make sense. Also, this post contains, well, spoilers about that post. Read it first.)
So, L.
An email AND a comment today?
Which — please allow me to explain — went into moderation, a kind of holding pen, waiting my approval because you’ve never commented here before. That happens to every person who comments for the first time, so no, it wasn’t something I deliberately did to upset you. I just need to correct that assumption.
And I won’t be approving your comment, sir, but I will address it — and your email, since they said the same thing. I can only assume you really wanted me to get the message.
All right.
You’re upset with me, again. This time because I used the word b-i-t-c-h in this post.
“That’s not a word for a proper Christian lady to use,” you said.
“It doesn’t help your witness,” you said.
“You are dishonoring God,” you said.
Honestly, I don’t know how much more breath I can expel in sighs and still have breath left to breathe.
You know, L, writers write. If we accept that as true, then I’m a writer. I actually have a compulsion to write, a need to write. One of the things I do on this blog is tell stories — stories from my life. When I do that, I try to be as truthful as memory allows, understanding that that lens is always a bit clouded in all of us.
I’m sorry it offends you, but that word is key to the story. It’s key in my memory. It was said. It’s there. The story loses something vital without that word. As I said, I like to be as truthful as possible in these stories, and sometimes — I hope you can agree — the truth of the human condition is just not pretty. Frankly, at the risk of offending you further, I don’t think my mom was wrong in calling her that. If THAT woman doesn’t fit the definition of that word, I don’t know who does. It’s actually mild in my estimation.
As far as using it in the story, well, I chose not to sugarcoat it. I choose not to sterilize my memories here because, well, I don’t live on Sesame Street. This blog is not the Mickey Mouse club. Should I have written, “You …. nincompoop”? “You goober”? “You not very nice person”?
Believe it or not, L, I don’t sit down to write a post thinking, “Hm. How can I offend L today?” I don’t set out to offend anyone, actually, with what I write. I AM careful even though you can’t see it. The processes of my mind are not visible to anyone, but I know what I go through when I write a post and I know the kinds of choices I make. I do try to be mindful of my audience.
Uhm, okay. You know, I’m trying to maintain control of myself here and it’s hard. I’m coming back to this later. I’m not calm enough.
All right. It’s later and I’m somewhat calmer.
So, L, again, I have to say: I don’t know why you continue to read this blog when it’s such an affront to you. It’s silly to you; it’s offensive to you; I’m not a proper Christian woman. I mean, WHY read??
But you know what, L?
I’m offended, too.
I’m offended that you can’t seem to see the forest for the trees. That you seem to regularly — and completely — misunderstand me and this blog. That you and I seem to speak totally different languages — but yours is the only correct one. That you seem to have missed the ENTIRE point of a post that I ripped my guts up to write. It’s not about a single word. It’s about much more than that. It cost me something to write that and it pains me that it was lost on you. All for one little word.
I strive for transparency here. It’s one of the few places in my life where I feel I can even begin to touch that. I understand, though, that some people don’t respect that. And that some people are uncomfortable with that. And that some people are blatantly hostile towards that. The other thing I find — strange to me — is that those people are generally my fellow Christians. Why is that, I wonder? Why is it such a problem? Such a threat? All I can say is that the transparency of heaven is gonna really chap some hides.
I’m not quite sure why, L, but you seem to have me in your crosshairs. You seem to feel that you need to scold me, set me straight. It’s an ongoing problem I have on this blog and it usually happens with men. Of a certain age. And I have to tell you: All the scolding in the world probably won’t conform me to the proper Christian lady you need me to be. How successful are you in general scolding strangers about their lives? Has this worked for you in the past? This approach baffles me. (But I’m baffled by everyone’s approach these days.) And I’m not quite sure WHAT you want me to fix or change. Maybe you could just pray for me. Entrust me to the Holy Spirit. May I gently suggest I need to become more like Jesus, not more like you.
As far as my witness, sure. It needs help. Always. Always. My Christianity is crooked and broken and I walk with a limp down a sometimes meandering road. That about sums it up. I really don’t try to represent my Christianity or the Christian life on this blog as anything different from that. Again, it’s not Sesame Street. I’m sorry that I’m not together enough for you or that I don’t behave well enough for you. For me, that’s not the sum total of Christianity. Behaving just so. Perhaps we simply see faith and the Christian life differently. Actually, I’m quite sure we do.
Look. I’m just tired, L. Tired of explaining myself and having it basically fall on deaf ears. So I feel it only fair to warn you that any comment from you in the future will disappear into the ether before I even see it and I will be setting up a filter, if possible, on my inbox so that I don’t receive your emails. I can’t stop you from reading this blog. Only you can decide to stop what just looks like masochism to me. But as much as is in my power, I can stop you from communicating with me.
Because I don’t think we have anything more to say to each other. Or, rather, I choose not to have anything more to say to you. I don’t want to commit any more mental or emotional energy to this.
Honestly …… honestly ….. I’m dealing with enough on the Christian front these days.
Unspeakable. I would even say Satanic.
It is this type of fundamentalist attitude, focusing on all the wrong things, that the religious police in Saudi Arabia showed when they let all of those girls die in their burning school – rather than let them run outside without their veils on. THAT was their priority – CORRECTNESS at all costs, even death.
Doesn’t matter if some crazy woman is trying to drown your daughter. L doesn’t focus on the human-ness – L focuses on the WORD.
This L person has a cold cold heart. It’s Satanic.
I don’t get people at all. I don’t understand what L expects to achieve with all this. It’s not Christian. It’s not human, even. It’s small and petty and mean and evil and unproductive and cruel and a waste of everyone’s time and energy.
Good for you, Tracey, for blocking L from intruding on your mental and emotional space. L has no business intruding there.
Slither back from whence you came, L.
Tracey’s witness to L is much more Christian than mine would be.
I’m with you and sheila and Jayne on this, tray. I think a big reason a lot of people won’t even consider Christianity today is because of people like that who feel the need to point out any and every perceived flaw in a condescending manner. I don’t like what you’re doing, so let me tell you, person I don’t know, that I don’t like what you’re doing, and let me say it in such a way that says I’m better than you. Let me put you down to lift myself up.
Christians are supposed to edify each other, help each other up, support each other in our struggles. Not step on each other’s heads. Remember, Satan bites the woman’s heel, and she crushes his head. Not Satan bites the woman’s heel, and she gets it on the other end from Christians.
Word up, nightfly. Mine too.
also, you know, there is the undeniable fact that the world wide web is HUGE. If Tracey’s blog brings out Da Evil in you, then maybe you had better find a site that doesn’t drive you so nuts. Just a suggestion. Might make your life happier.
I suggest a different theory:
Maybe this is “L” is a “Moby”… Claiming to be a Christian by using the worst stereotype of a radical Christian fundamentalist, to drive you away from Church. I live 3 miles from Bob Jones University and I haven’t run into a “fire and brimstone” type like this guy. This in your face “Repent Now!” evangelical fervor doesn’t ring true.
L, if you’re reading this and truly believe what you believe, you should have no problem releasing some personal information to Tracey that shows you are real and then you and I can have a conversation offline to discuss a differing Christian point of view. Tracey, as the site admin, should have my email address and she has my permission to give you my email. I look forward to discussing the merits of your type of witnessing with you.
I think someone needs to bitch slap L. Just saying….
L is clearly a pathetic, small excuse for a man who obviously has issues…big issues. There is no representation of Christianity in anything he said.
Just disgusting. I just don’t understand this need some people have to thrust their morality down other people’s throats.
I don’t know nor care who “L” is, much less what his complaint was, though I will undoubtedly steal part of your response and reuse it in future: “May I gently suggest I need to become more like Jesus, not more like you.” Brilliant!
Your insight into your childhood and your mother is profound. Thank you for being willing to share such a painful yet heart touching memory.
Folks like L are the very reason I struggle, not with spirituality, but with religion. For me, these are two very different concepts. I have known far too many religious folk that sit on their high horse and cast judgment down on the folks sitting in the pews around them. If you’re not dressed “right”, if your family is too big or too small or too loud or too quiet, if you’re too fat or too thin or too flashy or too meek. well then you just aren’t the “right” kind of person with whom to share worship. You are unworthy. You are bad.
I couldn’t stand it any longer, so I fled organized religion. I fled and I am not sorry. Tracey, I admire you so for having the bravado to return to a church after what you’ve been through, but I cannot. People like L remind me why that is true.
I am with Random Thoughts…I will quote you in the future, because that was one amazing line: “May I gently suggest I need to become more like Jesus, not more like you.â€
Uh, the “bad word” was in a quotation, wasn’t it? Excuse me, but DUH. (And BTW, in case my comment was actually lost and not in moderation on the original post–I read it twice. Powerful in both imagery and action.)
You, tracey, of all people do not need to be scolded and/or accused of not being Christian.
As a personal example, my sister has yelled at me for using a certain four-letter word in front of her. (Not at her, to clarify.) But she made it a point to say it offended her, not that I shouldn’t use it at all or that I’m not a good Christian. Obviously, if I kept using it in front of her, she’d choose not to listen to me anymore, and so, out of my love for her (by way of my love for God) I do not use it when I am speaking with her.
Reading here, on the other hand, is optional. Seriously.
(Aside to Maggie May–many of us churchgoers are pretty annoyed with the ones who make the rest of us look bad.)
Ugh. Hate this kind of stuff. I once heard a politician say (regarding his state) “I love [state]. Except for those damn beetles we get in the summer, I can’t stand those.” Then he moved on to other things he loved about the state, and that he was running for office to protect those things for the next generation, or something. Typical political speech. Whatever, right?
After he was finished speaking, I had a conversation with another woman in the room who told me that she could no longer vote for him because he obviously wasn’t a Christian because he said “damn”.
I literally had no words to respond with at that moment. I just stared, muttered something like, uh huh, and walked away.
(This very same woman, several months later, came up to me AT CHURCH ON MOTHER’S DAY and said, “Happy Moth- oh, you’re not a mother. I forgot” and then walked off. Who’s the Christian now, huh?)
Kaite – my jaw literally dropped open at that comment. How ugly of her.
I am speechless (not an easy feat to accomplish). Growing up in the South, I regularly encountered “Christians” such as L. They feel it is their Christian duty to “set people straight” and make sure everyone is toeing the line (not God’s, theirs). And even if L. is sincere in his belief he needs to “help” you (doubtful), don’t the spiritual qualities of patience, gentleness, and kindness (TACT!) fit in there somewhere? You were absolutely right to banish him…let him go and harangue someone else.