Our new condo, a rental now, requires certain mental adjustments that I am so far not making. There are just things I’m struggling to get used to — like the following, for starters:
1) The way the toilets flush as if they’re going to overflow but then miraculously manage to choke it down at the last second. Doesn’t seem to matter what “it” is. I now have generalized anxiety about toilet flushing. The toilets are not willingly doing their job, like little kids forced to eat lima beans. So then I feel bad for the toilet. I feel bad for a toilet, pippa.
2) The kitchen. I don’t like our kitchen. Move on.
3) The light that shines in our bedroom from the porch lights of the building next door. I like a very dark room for sleeping.
4) The need for a sleep mask.
5) The way said sleep mask never stays on my head. It ends up atop my head, on the pillow, on the floor. Again, like the toilets, another disappointing slacker.
6) The way a tighter sleep mask cut off my facial circulation leaving my next-morning face with grooves and slashes and bizarre puffiness. I gasped when I saw my face in the mirror. I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!
7) The sound of the little girl who plays in the yard next door and screams a high unhuman scream every afternoon at 5:23.
8) The one portion of wall in our living room that seems to be very thin, as if the builders forgot a layer.
9) Because of that, the sound of the single 30-something dude and his little turtle dove having gasping thumping sex in his living room.
10) Please have sex somewhere ELSE, dude. I’m uncomfortable knowing precisely how long you last. Also, I know the layout of your unit — we looked at that unit — and you have a back bedroom that doesn’t share a wall with anyone. Hello, gasping thumping love lair.
#3–I feel ya, sister. Only it’s one of the parking lot lights, peeking through where the blinds don’t meet the windowsill. It totally kept me up last night.
My mom’s suggestion for #9-10: “Next time it happens, put ‘Bolero’ on your boom box and hold it right against the [wall–it was the floor in my case] while blasting it.” It may not work, but it’s just fun.
Tracey – hahahahaha I am in a similar situation in regards to 9 and 10. I am SO thrilled for my next door neighbors that they are connection on such a constant sexual level. I am so thrilled that they have sex at 5 am, and 3 pm, and 7 pm … any time of the day, week … whatever … no, seriously, I really am happy for them. Have at it, kids! But it does get amusing when I hear the tell-tale bed squeaks … for the second time in one day … and I’m, like, mopping the floor in my kitchen or whatever. I roll my eyes now. There they go again! I run into the woman down in the laundry room and it’s all I can do to not say, “So … sounds like you were made REALLY satisfied this morning at 6 am, huh??”
I’m with you on the needing-a-dark-room. And on the general disappointing nature of sleep masks. And I would add, the general disappointing nature of so-called “room darkening” window blinds.
My next door neighbor (who is a COP and so has a COP GUN in the house and you would think would not need such a thing) has a security light that is set to trigger when there’s motion in the backyard. Like a raccoon walking through. Which is pretty much the highest level of danger in my neighborhood. Yet, the security light is non-negotiable despite the fact that he knows it shines into my bedroom and wakes me.
I noticed the other day that his grown son (who is living with him) has taped black plastic garbage bags over the bedroom window in their house nearest the light, so it seems to me I’m not being overly picky in my complaints about it. (But black plastic over the windows is a skotch too backwoodsy a solution for me. So I’ll just keep complaining about it).
ricki — /Like a raccoon walking through. Which is pretty much the highest level of danger in my neighborhood./
Hahahahahaha.
I’m looking into black-out curtains, actually.
sheila & Kate P — I’m looking into Homasote board from Home Depot for this particular stretch of wall — seriously. It’s cheap and they’ll cut it for you. Plus, cover it with fabric and it will be as if that whole section of wall is a bulletin board, which I think could look cool.
Sounds like a great idea. I wonder if that would work for the wall of my bedroom that’s up against the lobby.
My brother’s Mr. Blackout–blankets over the windows. I guess that’s a step above the “backwoods” solution Ricki mentioned. . .
And then there’s using aluminum foil over the windows, but I’ve also been told there’s another purpose for that (think…reflectors. Think…wanting to grow SOMETHING indoors and not have it seen). So I don’t think covering the windows in my house that face the cop’s house with aluminum foil would be a terribly smart idea.
Do you SEE what you’ve driven me to, Copper, with your stupid motion light? I’m now growing POT in my house because of your vexing light!
There are shades/blinds that keep out the light, but of course the cracks between shade and wall still light up. Heavy drapes ought to do the job, no need to resort to garbage bags ….