I owe you all an apology for the post below. I wrote it in a crush of fury, as a way to exorcise myself, make my heart stop racing. But beyond that, when I look inside my heart — a somewhat calmer heart now — I realize I really wrote it as a way to “pile on” to the perpetrator. Really stick it to him because his lack of response to my comment made me, well, insane. My heart was sold out on the rightness of my cause so I basically declared war.
Obviously, I am not wrong whenever I’ve said, “I am occasionally somewhat unmodulated in my behavior.”
That said, I still agree with myself, my points. To the extent that any of them are even clearly articulated, yes, I still agree. It’s my motivation and my methods that were wrong. More than anything, I longed for him to come here and SEE, DAMMIT, that his comment was now the subject of its own post and even as I write that, I’m cringing with shame. I didn’t question my decision to do it. I never stopped to weigh it or say, “Hey, Jesus, sooo, whaddya think?” I didn’t want to. I wanted what I wanted and the proof is below.
I railed at fellow Christians and their untamed tongues all the while showing mine off quite nicely, thank you. Just because a person is a Christian doesn’t mean they’re free from hypocrisy. I, for one, clearly am not. I don’t expect ever to be free from it, because human-ness is a bloody mess. Everyone, Christian or no, has an Omaha Beach inside of them. The carnage of who we really are. I’m no different.
It would be so easy to just delete that post and pretend it never happened, but I won’t be doing that. (Not that I wasn’t sorely tempted.) It will stay up, as a reminder of my frequently cloudy motivations, my pettiness, my rage. If I take it down, I gloss over my own brokenness and that, too, would be hypocrisy. If I lose touch with my brokenness, I lose touch with my perpetual need for the grace of Jesus Christ.
So no. No, I want to own it. My Omaha Beach.
I have, however, gone ahead and banned the perpetrator from this blog. Judging from my stats, he still hasn’t seen any of this and now, he won’t. It’s hard for me to ban him — not because I want him to stay, I don’t — but because I was so invested in having him SEE WHAT HE DID! and RUBBING HIS NOSE IN IT! and such. Banning him before he sees any of this means I must forfeit my outcome. That’s hard. I hate that actually, because, hello, I’m a baby. All my life, I’ve longed for understanding, to be understood, blahdie blah, and this weekend, I wanted nothing more than to carve understanding into this man’s heart and mind, word by vehement word. Not once, but twice, for God’s sake, such was my fever for it.
Does he need more sensitivity? Perhaps. But, uhm, bludgeoning him repeatedly with his need for sensitivity is extremely unlikely to produce it. It’s regrettable to me that even now, at this point in my life, I’m always captivated by my methods. So sure my winning ways will make the pivotal difference for some sad misguided schmoe. It’s true: I am never not swept off my feet by my brilliant choices in any moment. They always sparkle and glow and whisper to me of my greatness. Liars.
Finally, in the post below, I didn’t mean to imply that if you believe in Jesus, you’re a dumbass. I’m a dumbass, but not for that. Plus, I know plenty of dumbasses who don’t believe in Jesus, so there’s no corner on the market here. Have I experienced dumbass behavior from Christians? Absolutely. Have I been a dumbass Christian? Indeedy. But believing in Jesus, I think, is a brilliant idea. Perhaps the only brilliant idea I’ve ever really had.
For any of you who cringed when you read that post, I totally understand.
Please forgive me.
Thank you, though, for your love and support, for being my true blazing champions. You are all such good friends to me. I’ve never met any of you in person, but you are real-er to me than some people I know face to face. In that, I am blessed.
People like you make me believe I just might survive my Omaha Beach.
Well I guess I’m the first to wander in here during my lunch…….
Your “random list” post had me laughing out loud last night while The Husband watched something boring on tv.
Didn’t have the time to comment but thought that if I did, I would thank you for the joy your blog often brings to me.
When I read your post this morning, I still thought of you as that “wonderful Tracey” who makes me laugh and sometimes cry, and sometimes sigh in agreement. But it was clear someone had hit your hot button.
We all have them. It seemed an over reaction to me, but that’s what hot buttons do….someone pushes them, and we react. Doubt that any of the regulars here will think any less of you…….and I think maybe “Ken” wouldn’t be so tough on you either……..well, maybe.
Keep being real and YOU, because I for one come here for YOU. In all your imperfect glory.
In the end, we all belong to Love Himself, and so how could we all not love one another? (Though I confess that I piled on just as well too, and thus failed in love to The Banned Gentleman Doctor.)
Besides, you write insanely terrific stuff like this, and inspire us to come back to grace. We would be false to love you just for this, but we would also be false to say that we didn’t love you at all for it.
Bless your heart for owning up, and for all you do to be a good blogfriend for all of us. Who would dare to put out half the stuff you do, and how poor would we be without it?
I read your full rant and I wasn’t upset at your comments. I didn’t cringe at what you said. Instead, I cringed at the thought that I might have behaved that way around those with similar problems in my church and workplace and caused them the frustration and pain you’ve experienced. I hope I haven’t.
I learned a long time ago that Christ uses events in ways we cannot even begin to imagine. You mentioned that “bludgeoning him repeatedly with his need for sensitivity is extremely unlikely to produce it.”
However, people will see both the truth of fallen humans constantly need the grace of God and the truth that a true path of following Christ involves dealing with your failings), which you’ve done beautifully. I’ve read many blogs by non-Christians who wouldn’t have bothered apologizing to the community for a blow up.
The hypocrisy is not in having an explosion of anger or an insensitive moment. The hypocrisy is in not dealing with it when you realize what you’ve done. I particularly like the fact that you don’t apologize for your arguments (which you shouldn’t) but instead for the attitude with which they were delivered.
Good Lord, you all have me bawling now.
I haven’t had the chance to sit down and read for a few days, so I missed most of this as it was happening. I have to say, I don’t think you overreacted at all. When I read Ken’s original comment, and the flippancy with which it was delivered, I was astounded. Horrified. I am hurting from it, and that is only a fraction of what you are feeling.
I must be much more vindictive than you, because I still believe he deserved to see that rant. Yeah, two wrongs don’t make a right and blah, blah, blah. But perhaps pointing his complete hideousness out to him would spare someone else from having to endure it.
I just wish you could know how sorry I am. You share so much of yourself with all of us, and you don’t deserve to have that thrown back in your face. I am not the Christian you all are…I know I am a big giant fail in that department, but I don’t think you owe anyone an apology.
MM — Thank you. I guess the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was too invested in a particular outcome, the one where he falls at my (cyber) feet and begs for forgiveness. I had to ask myself, finally, what was the likelihood that that would happen, based on the overall tone of all of his comments, and I decided it wasn’t all that likely. If he sent me a huge long defensive comment back, well, my stress level wouldn’t go DOWN, that’s for sure. Protecting myself from that kind of “energy” on my blog is maybe the best idea. I decided I didn’t want to escalate something, and that’s probably where I was headed.
And, MM, you are not a “big giant fail.” I don’t ever see you that way. You seem like you’re a seeker and there ain’t nothing wrong with that, okay?
I think he got what was coming to him and I don’t think you were over-reacting at all. It wasn’t just the ONE comment (it rarely is … unless, uhm, we’re talking about what happened on MY site today) … it was the cumulation. I think you showed marvelous restraint until you finally couldn’t take it anymore. Like I said: he got what was coming to him.
But what you say here is something I struggle with myself: how much brainspace do I give to such an event? How MUCH do I let it rock me?? Or hurt me? It feels like it is coming from outside – a hurt from outside – but my response to it is what I can control. NOT always easy. That incident today on my own site almost derailed me completely. Thank God for you and my cousin Kerry who talked me thru it … but you know, these bolts come from outside, energies we cannot control … and how do we let it “get to” us? Especially when it seems that the person in question is going right for the jugular?
I don’t have an answer to that, but I do know I struggle in the same way you do.
You’re brave … for putting the struggle into words. To say that is rare is to mis-state what the word “rare” even means!
Bah, just re-read my first paragraph and it sounds like I am telling you how to feel. I guess I was – but you know, that’s my mama lion coming out!!
I think the questions you ask yourself here – and wanting to get a specific RESULT from the post – is really really profound, and I know I will reference back to it in those moments when I want to “win” with someone.
So thank you.
sheila — I know. I know your mama lion! I love her! You don’t need to explain or even think that you’re telling me how to feel since, uhm, we felt the same way about it the WHOLE ENTIRE WEEKEND — hahahahahaha.
So, what did you do this weekend, Trace?
Uhm, spent 24/7 emailing Sheila blow-by-blow commentary of my progressive psychotic break. Good times. Good times.
I’m so glad I could be there for you today. And I’m so glad you were there for me, uhm, every single bleedin’ moment of The Lost Weekend. Mama lion rocks!
Patrick — /However, people will see both the truth of fallen humans constantly need the grace of God and the truth that a true path of following Christ involves dealing with your failings), which you’ve done beautifully./
I wanted to thank you for that. So thank you.
Oh, wait. Also for this:
/Instead, I cringed at the thought that I might have behaved that way around those with similar problems in my church and workplace and caused them the frustration and pain you’ve experienced. I hope I haven’t./
That means SO much to me — that you would stop to think about that. I’m so touched by that.
Tracey – I am going to keep that screenshot of my mailbox full of our emails because it’s just too funny. The subject line especially which – when fills up an entire mailbox – starts to look completely INSANE. hahahaha Like: these two women have lost the plot, people, get out of the way, she’s gonna blow!!
/these two women have lost the plot, people, get out of the way, she’s gonna blow!!/
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I cannot breathe!! I’m so glad you sent me the screenshot, too. It IS insane, completely OCD!! I’m telling you. There must be a way to frame it.
We’ll save it for the cover art of your book whenever you write it. Seriously. It says it all.
hahahahaha I am looking at it right now and howling!!
I just love that you’re honest. This is YOUR place and people should be respectful of you while on here. There’s nothing wrong with calling someone out on being an insensitive turd. But more than any of that I just love that you are totally willing and even need to react openly and honestly and just put it out there. And that later when you decided you could have reacted less vehemently (although I’M still okay with you going ahead and throwing down) you were honest about THAT.
It’s one of the great joys and a big part of the privilege of being allowed to share some small part of your life on here. You are completely Tracey and you do not compromise that or change it for anyone and you share parts of that with us.
Anyway, he was being a massive turd.
HUG!
Oh, Tracey, I knew you weren’t trashing everybody who believes in Christ in the other post–you’re better than that. And the heartfelt introspection here proves that.
Marisa and Kate P: Thanks you guys.
Also thank you for “massive turd.” I laughed out loud!!
Yep. “Massive turd” brings the house down every time. 😉
Glad I made you laugh. You deserve all the smiles your face can possibly accommodate. Happy Thanksgiving, sweetie. I’m thankful for YOU.
I’m late to the party, but want to add my thanks to you, Tracey, for the honesty in your last post about the (hopefully inadvertant) pain that certain people in the church can cause by their comments. Although it isn’t infertility that I’ve struggled with, I have felt the same pain from other’s attitudes and comments. I often feel that it’s a wound that never heals and just has scabbed over. Your sharing your experiences and how you cope helps in healing. As Marisa said, I’m thankful for you.
I also am very late to this whole affair, but in my opinion, that guy is a jackass. He just wanted to write comments to read himself in print, and be impressed by himself. All I could think is, can you imagine being married to him? Working for him? Waiting on him? Ewwwwwwww…. Loser.
As for you, Miss Tracey- no need for explaining. You are a kind and good person. I am Christian, and sooooo not offended. If anyone WAS offended by your remarks, well then, they just missed the whole point!!
PS I would pay so much money to have copy of the emails between you and Sheila! ha ha ha!!!!