hold the phones!

Okay. Wait. Nosferatu sang and inspired memorable prose, but now, oh, now! Oh, joy! Sanjaya von Daintystein, who has no business still being in this competition and is only living on the life support supplied by the trembling fingers of the horny, overcome tweener vote — (girls and boys, I imagine) — is singing “You Really Got Me” and the camera is going extreme close-up on the sobbing face of some pigtailed, brace-faced 12-year-old girl. Sanjaya is, literally, the prettiest boy I think I’ve ever seen and all the world’s most beautiful teeth sparkle in his mouth, which is very nice for him, and he’s trying so hard to be edgy with this song, but why do I feel like I just walked in on a naughty spaniel puppy ripping up the couch cushions?

And, Sobbing Tweener Girl? Uhm, I think von Daintystein just might be …. gay. But, sob away, honey. Who am I to steal your adolescent hysteria away from you? Just a dried-up bitter old biddy, that’s who.

aay-aye

Well, whaddya want for 10 seconds of effort?

What to do
‘Bout Nosferatu?
“Tobacco Road”
Big-eyed toad
Voice “needs grit”
Sounds like ….
Big ol’ shirt
How ’bout a skirt?
Blaring skull
Deadly dull
Quoth the bored
Nevermore
d

who’s been messing with my iTunes?

Someone in this house — someone other than me, which seriously limits the suspects here — downloaded “Hoop-Dee-Doo” by Perry Como onto my iTunes. Wha?? I mean, there I was, plugged into the computer, listening to some iTunes stuff, all very enjoyable, happily waiting in the silence between songs for the next song I like, and then ….. this:

Hoop-Dee-Doo, Hoop-Dee-Doo
I hear a polka and my troubles are through
Hoop-Dee-Dee, Hoop-Dee-Dee
This kind of music is like heaven to me
Hoop-Dee-Doo, Hoop-Dee-Doo
Has got me higher than a kite
Hand me down my soup and fish, I am gonna get my wish(???)
Hoop-Dee-Doin’ it tonight

When there’s a trombone playin’ I get a thrill, I always will
When there’s a concertina stretched about a mile
I always smile ’cause that’s my style
When there’s a fiddle in the middle
Oh it really is a riddle how he plays a tune so sweet
Plays a tune so sweet that I could die
Lead me to the floor and hear me yell for more
’cause I’m a Hoop-Dee-Doin’ kind of guy

(Dad??)

Oh, Hoop-Dee-Doo, Hoop-Dee-Doo
It’s got us higher than a kite
We’re in clover, we’re in bloom, when we’re dancin’ give us room
Hoop-De-Doin’ it with all of our might
Rain may fall and snow may come, nothin’s gonna stop us from
Hoop-Dee-Doin’ it
Hoop-Dee-Doin’ it
Hoop-Dee-Doin’ it tonight

And on and on …. oompah-oompah-oompah-oompah-polka-polka-polka-polka.

But, Mr. Como, not being a polka aficionado myself, will you please explain to me the whole dealio with the soup and fish?

I mean … okay. Let’s review the facts here: So you’re higher than a kite, as you just said, which surprises me because that doesn’t really sound like you, and you are troubled, perhaps still stymied by those darn mysterious fiddles, and also afraid that sweet little ditties could somehow cause your death, which is surprising too since you’re this famous crooner and all; so naturally, you’re eating soup and fish, or maybe not eating it, but someone is handing you soup and fish and you’re doing something with these items — maybe it’s some kind of weird cultish ritual, which is an unfair leap of me, true, but you’re the one admitting you’re high here — or maybe it’s one of those hugely popular soup-and-fish eating contests you see all the time at county fairs, but whatever the heck it is, it sounds like this involvement with soup and fish makes wishes come true, in which case I am definitely going to increase my personal contact con sopa y pescado– (for all my illegal alien readers — hola!) — and then somehow you’re dancin’ and you’re demanding lots of room for your stompin’ and hoofin’, probably, one assumes, because of the fact that you’re so very high and have eaten way too much soup and way too much fish and things digestively speaking might be getting a little dicey by now so the area around you really should be cleared but it was all in order to make some big wish come true, which — again, one can only deduce here — seems to be something along the lines of “If only I could eat lots and lots of soup and lots and lots of fish and then dance and dance and dance til I hallucinate that I’m a big blooming flower and ignore things like severe inclement weather that really could kill me and just keep hoop-dee-doin’ it all night long until I puke and puke and puke and puke from all that soup and all that fish and all that dancin’ that made this bestest happiest wish come true.”

Do I have that right, Mr. Como?

informative note on usage

So in this post, I used the phrase (word?) “booo-bye” as opposed to the tiring, ubiquitous“buh-bye,” because here at Casa Pale, we think it’s just much more fun to say. It means the same thing — don’t get me wrong — I mean, saying it this way doesn’t make us better people with more sincere hearts or anything. It still drips contempt and all, which is a lovely role model for all you kiddos out there. I don’t remember when or how MB and I started saying “booo-bye” instead of “buh-bye,” but the blessing is that we did and we’ve never ever looked back. I’m pretty sure my life would be less somehow without “booo-bye” and the chance to spread the joy of the “booo-bye.”

Hint: Give that “booo” a real punch when you say it, a kind of moo-ish moan, then say the “bye” just a teeny bit lower and shorter and you’ll see what I mean. Feel that roiling puddle of scorn rising in your tummy? Then, you, my friend, have mastered the delicate, tonal art of the “booo-bye.”

Now, go out there and use it, peeps.

Booo-bye.

old fart pants

Remember last year, I mentioned this old fart pants from The Beanhouse? Of course not, which I totally understand. Well, after that early run-in with him, I had another one months later, where he was having a hissy fit at one of the baristas for handing him the wrong pastry. “No!! I wanted a blueberry danish, not cherry! Dammit! Dammit!!” Literally, the man went ballistic and the poor barista just stood there, wide-eyed and freaked out. I stepped in because, well, I was in charge at the moment and because, well, I cannot stand this man.

“Sir, you’re not acting like this again,” I said brusquely.

“WHAT?”

“You don’t get to act like this again. Sorry. You have two choices: You can start learning how to be courteous or you can go somewhere else. Acting this way is not one of the options.”

So he grabbed his bag with the blueberry danish and stormed out. I wouldn’t serve him after that. Other people did, but reluctantly.

Fast forward many months … to today.

This same man walked into Boheme. Yep. In he walked, all smiles, with his silly grey pageboy and these gigantic glasses framing his eyes as if each individual eyeball were some great work of art. He just stood there in front of me, simpering, and I barely flicked a glance over him. Up. Down. Away.

“So — are you gonna kick me out?” he said.

I stared at him for a moment. I couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t believe he was even standing there in front of me — in my place — smiling the way he was.

“Yes,” I said. “I will kick you out if you ever present a problem for me or anyone who works for me. It’s different now. This is my place.”

“Well, I’ll be good.”

“We’ll see. You’re on serious probation with me. That’s all I’m gonna say.”

And I walked away while my employee — (haha! that sounds so ridiculous — never say that again, Tracey) — C made his drink.

A little while later, I left for about an hour, just to sit and breathe and eat and not have a breakdown from everything. When I came back, C ran up to me and said, “Know what that guy said to me when he left?”

“Oh, noo. What?”

“He said, ‘I’ll be good as long as she never gives me the wrong pastry like she did last time.'”

Which isn’t quite what happened, but, whatever, it all boils down to …

Booo-bye, old fart pants! You’re gone.

too much pretty

Okay. So this girl walks into Boheme yesterday and she is wearing the most beautiful necklace. I mean, I literally cannot stop staring at her neck and I can feel her getting uncomfortable. Finally, I say, “I’m sorry. But your necklace is so beautiful, so unusual. I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Can I ask where you got it?”

And she told me about her friend, Ananda Khalsa, who makes the most gorgeous jewelry.

See what I mean?

anandak4.jpg

She paints teeny tiny water color paintings — doesn’t use a magnifying glass or anything to do so, apparently — and also does her own metalwork. I want one of these — so desperately. I say that a lot on all these purty things, but I am dead serious. I am going to save all my grimy coffee pennies and get me one because I am in love with them. I want to make out with them during a boring movie right now. I want to watch sunsets and go on hot air balloon rides with them. And then I want to just lie there and watch them while they sleep, snoring their gentle watercolor snores.

So happy.

So very gorgeous.

anandak61.jpg

And look! She paints persimmons!

anandak51.jpg

movie me-me

1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times.

Gone With The Wind,
like Lisa said. Also, It’s a Wonderful Life. And I don’t know if it’s 10 yet, but I have seen Centerstage multiple unashamed times. Because she’s “got candy in her heels tonight,” peeps. CANDY!! Or “canned heat in her heels.” Or “canned heat in her ears.” Or “heels,” again. Whatever that song is talkin’ about. The point is she’s got something big going on in her wee little heels and it makes her dance like a damn derving whirlish and that’s all I really care about or know. That, and that candy may be involved. Or canned heat. Maybe canned meat. Which would be smelly.

2. Name a movie that you’ve seen multiple times in the theater.

I am embarrassed to admit that I went through a HUGE Three Men and a Little Lady fetish back in 1990. There was an actual reason why I had to keep seeing this movie, and oh, Lord, okay — here it is: Now as I recall, Tom Selleck has some kind of epiphany at the end of the movie where he realizes he just HAS to be with Nancy Travis. Can’t live without her or her precious kid. He rushes to her. Makes a big ol’ speech. And I just kept wanting that to be my life, wanting that to happen for me. Not with Tom Selleck, though I wouldn’t have turned him down, I’m sure. I remember I went to the movie with my boyfriend and thought “Surely, surely, he will soon propose to me after hearing that inspiring heartfelt speech of luv.” Well, he didn’t “soon propose,” but I just kept going to the movie by myself, sitting in the dark, dreaming that either he or Tom Selleck would — soon, of course. I simply could not believe that anyone would turn a deaf ear to the undeniable good sense that was Three Men and a Little Lady.

3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie.

Jeff Bridges. Liam Neeson. Tim Roth. Wiliam H. Macy. Kevin Spacey. (Just watched LA Confidential again. Spacey is just so great. That grin on his face back in the car after Exley’s just embarrassed himself in front of the real Lana Turner with “A hooker cut to look like Lana Turner is still a hooker” — I love his look right then. He’s not saying a thing, but he’s loving Exley’s humiliation; exulting in it. I love him in that moment, because we’re all loving Exley’s humiliation. He sits in the passenger seat, quietly grinning into his dimples and it’s one of my favorite moments.)

4. Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie.

Uhm, Colin Farrell. Robin Williams. UGH. Cannot abide Robin Williams.

5. Name a movie that you can and do quote from.

Waiting for Guffman — “‘Cause you people are bastard people!” And his speech about The Remains of the Day lunchbox: “Here’s the Remains of the Day lunchbox. Kids don’t like eating at school, but if they have a Remains of the Day lunchbox they’re a lot happier.”

Can I please have a Remains of the Day lunchbox?

“He’s teaching me to change my instincts — or at least ignore them.”

“Ello, ow are ooo?” Corky’s Cockney accent.

6. Name a movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs.

All of them, fool.

7. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with.

All of them, foo.

8. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see.

I need everyone to see Grizzly Man. I need it. I don’t know why.

9. Name a movie that you own.

One that I own? Actually own? How saucy and unheard of. I owwwn “Singin’ in the Rain.”

10. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops.

What’s-his-name from Sling Blade. Okay — he sings and his name is …. damn. It’s yolks. Yoke. Uh — Dwight Yoakim! Kem? Kum? Kom? Kam? Yeah, him.

11. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in? If so, what?

Suuure. Don’t remember what, though.

12. Ever made out in a movie?

Suuuure.

13. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven’t yet gotten around to it.

A while back, a customer at The Beanhouse got all hissy with me because I hadn’t seen Brokeback Mountain. He actually raised his voice to me a bit when all I did was answer his question about whether I’d seen it. He was literally appalled at me. Sorry, dude. So I don’t know if I “mean” to see it, but now I feel guilty about not having seen it.

14. Ever walked out of a movie?

Yes. The Devil’s Advocate with Al Pacino and Keanu Reeves. I thought that movie was slimy. I don’t know how else to describe it. I felt slimed. Not in a lighthearted Ghostbuster-y way. Like, spiritually slimed. My spirit just felt … heavy. I had to leave.

15. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater.

I cried at The Shawshank Redemption. I always cry at The Shawshank Redemption.

“I find I’m so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it’s the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.”

16. Popcorn?

Oh, okay, not all the time, though. Only if you sprinkle Hot Tamales in it. Yummy.

17. How often do you go to the movies (as opposed to renting them or watching them at home)?

Maybe once or twice a month.

18. What’s the last movie you saw in the theater?

Dream Girls.

19. What’s your favorite/preferred genre of movie?

Probably romantic comedy.

20. What’s the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?

I literally can’t remember. Wow. Sad. My childhood was one of privation and outhouses with hornets. Or some other good reason.

21. What movie do you wish you had never seen?

I think I’m the only person alive who HAAATED Napoleon Dynamite.

22. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed?

Okay. I remember really liking Labyrinth. Though I couldn’t tell you much about it now except it has David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly before her boobins disappeared.

23. What is the scariest movie you’ve seen?

The Exorcist. Cannot ever see it again. Nope-nope-nopey! Never.

24. What is the funniest movie you’ve seen?

Ohdear, ohdear, ohdear. See, now I’m stumped. It’s not “the funniest movie I’ve ever seen” (well, maybe it is, seeing as how I can’t think of what that ONE is), but a “recently funny movie” was Little Miss Sunshine. So happy Alan Arkin won Best Supporting Actor.

thoughtless idol

Top 12 American Idol. Singing Diana Ross songs. Or something.

I hate the men in this competition. They all need to be set free to embrace their futures singing on street corners with a cereal box guitar and a pooping neon parrot perched on their shoulders.

So …. tonight, I’m celebrating the horror that is the American Idol male and blogging only their performances whilst sim-ultaneously giving them almost no thought at all. HOW is this possible, Tracey? Well, I’ll tell ya. Here’s how:

I handed a book to My Beloved and told him to write down the first 12 adjectives and the first 6 nouns he came to. He was allowed to flip the page, but he HAD to choose the first nouns/adjectives he came across on each new page. Each male contestant will get 2 random adjectives, drawn from our Adjective Bowl and then one noun, drawn from our Noun Bowl. Then we put it all together and whatever it is — THAT is what it IS, okay??? That describes their performance tonight — no matter how breathlessly AMAZING they may have been, which is doubtful.

Oh, so this is basically Mad Libs. I could have just said that. Also, I typed Mad Lobs first. So Mad Lobs it is.

I toldjah I wasn’t even gonna think about it ….

So onto The World Premi-ere of AI Mad Lobs:

Jason sings “A Diana Ross Song.” AI Mad Lobs says: A cheery, bemused handbag.

Curly McBrilloPad sings “Endless Love.” AI Mad Lobs says: A peeved, nifty frump.

Sanjaya von Daintystein sings “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.” AI Mad Lobs says: A suspicious, luminous peacock.

Nosferatu sings “Some Song about How He’s Gonna Get Me — what is the name of this song??” Oh, and Diana Ross gives him the advice to “really look at the audience.” Oh, no, no, no, Nosferatu! Do not look at me with your pale, bloodthirsty eyes! I’m serious. Stop it. It’s killing me. Anyway, AI Mad Lobs says: Indefensible, frozen eggs.

Blake sings “Keep Me Hangin’ On.” AI Mad Lobs says: A joyous, militant horse.

Chris sings “The Boss.” AI Mad Lobs says: A mournful, celibate dolly.

All righty. AI Mad Lobs has spoken. Itiswhatitis. Man, I hate itiswhatitis. So very itchy.