stuck

A lady rushed into The Beanhouse yesterday, all flustered and furrowed.

“This is one of those things that’s gonna seem funny in about an hour, but right now … oh, I’m so embarrassed.” She held up her hand. Her two middle fingers were STUCK inside one of these:

curling_ribbon_large.jpg

It came off just seconds later but, uhm, what I want to know is: What is the thought process here?

“My fingers are wedged in a spool of curling ribbon! To the coffeehouse — IMMEDIATELY!!” ???

the drawer

On one of our first married visits to my in-laws’ home in a little mountain town called “Privacy-What’s Dat?” my mother-in-law set us up in the guest /sewing/random piles of junk room. She asked us to keep the door open. (Excuse me? Yeah. We didn’t do that. MB laughed and closed the door.) The bed was frou-frouey and small — a double, I think. At home we have a king-sized bed because MB is so tall.

So, our first night there, I’m lying on my six inches of frouf, dozing fitfully because I’m afraid of falling out of the bed. I need to pee, but I’m also afraid of getting up because the bathroom door is just a sliding door and right across from the in-laws’ bedroom and what if they hear it sliding and know I’m peeing? Or worse, what if they hear me peeing? I need a door that closes, all solid and quiet. I have issues, people.

I just lie there, teetering on the mattress, talking myself out of peeing.

Suddenly, there are random scratching noises in the room. Kinda loud. Now, we are in the mountains where night is dark, very dark. Like “I’m sorta afraid how dark it is here” dark. So, great. I’m lying in a room full of childhood dark complete with creepy scratching noises. I’m now wide awake. Like anyone would, I just assume it’s that urban legend dude with the hook hand come to kill me in the deep dark middle of nowhere. My heart is racing. MB is snoring softly beside me dreamily unaware of our imminent, pointy demise.

The scratching continues, even louder now. Hook man is serious about this. That’s it. MB has to save me.

Shove — shove — shove.

Groggy. “Whaaa?”

“Do you hear that scratching? Do you HEAR it?”

Scratching.

“Yeah.” He turns his head towards me, groaning.

“It’s totally freaking me out. What IS it?”

“Honey …. it’s just the tortoise in the drawer ….” He yawns and rolls away from me. Nothing could possibly be more boring to him.

“WHAT????”

“The tortoise in the drawer …” he slurs again, a twinge of irritation.

“What are you talking about??”

“It’s the tortoise. He’s hibernating. In the drawer of that dresser.”

Silence as I take in that there is a slow leathery creature trapped in a dresser drawer a few feet away from where I’m trying to sleep and trying not to pee. I am deeply freaked out in a way that hook man could not even begin to touch.

“He’s hibernating??”

“Yes.”

“But …. obviously, he’s not! He’s trapped in there, clawing away for his very life!” For emphasis, I claw the air frantically, much like a tortoise would. In the deep dark nowhere, I am instantly an expert on the needs of tortoises in general.

“Honey …. he’s probably moving around in his sleep …. just leave him alone. Go back to sleep …” He abandons me to my slice of the mattress, falls back asleep instantly.

Finally, much later, I drift restlessly off in the deep dark middle of nowhere to the soothing sounds of a claustrophobic hibernating tortoise clawing away for his very life.

I never did get to pee that night.

birth: the visited planet, part 6

Continuing from Philip Yancey’s The Jesus I Never Knew. Again, I’m starting with a couple of sentences from the last excerpt to help give this one more of a context:

After reading the birth stories once more, I ask myself, If Jesus came to reveal God to us, then what do I learn about God from that first Christmas?

The word associations that come to mind as I ponder that question take me by surprise. Humble, approachable, underdog, courageous — these hardly seem appropriate words to apply to deity.

Underdog. I wince even as I write the word, especially in connection with Jesus. It’s a crude word, probably derived from dogfighting and applied over time to predictable losers and victims of injustice. Yet as I read the birth stories about Jesus, I cannot help but conclude that though the world may be tilted toward the rich and the powerful, God is tilted toward the underdog. “He has brought down rulers from their thrones but has lifted up the humble. He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty,” said Mary in her Magnificat hymn.

Lazlo Tokes, the Romanian pastor whose mistreatment outraged the country and prompted rebellion against the Communist ruler Ceausescu, tells of trying to prepare a Christmas sermon for the tiny mountain church to which he had been exiled. The state police were rounding up dissidents, and violence was breaking out across the country. Afraid for his life, Tokes bolted the doors, sat down, and read again the stories in Luke and Matthew. Unlike most pastors who would preach that Christmas, he chose as his text the verses describing Herod’s massacre of the innocents. It was the single passage that spoke most directly to his parishioners. Oppression, fear, and violence, the daily plight of the underdog, they well understood.

The next day, Christmas, new broke that Ceausescu had been arrested. Church bells rang, and joy broke out all over Romania. Another King Herod had fallen. Tokes recalls, “All the events of the Christmas story now had a new, brilliant dimension for us, a dimension of history rooted in the reality of our lives …. For those of us who lived through them, the days of Christmas 1989 represented a rich, resonant embroidery of the Christmas story, a time when the providence of God and the foolishness of human wickedness seemed as easy to comprehend as the sun and moon over the timeless Transylvanian hills.” For the first time in four decades, Romania celebrated Christmas as a public holiday.

Perhaps the best way to perceive the “underdog” nature of the incarnation is to transpose it into terms we can relate to today. An unwed mother, homeless, was forced to look for shelter while traveling to meet the heavy taxation demands of a colonial government. She lived in a land recovering from violent civil wars and still in turmoil — a situation much like that in modern Bosnia, Rwanda, or Somalia. Like half of all mothers who deliver today, she gave birth in Asia, in its far western corner, the part of the world that would prove least receptive to the son she bore. That son became a refugee in Africa, the continent where most refugees can still be found.

I wonder what Mary thought about her militant Magnificat hymn during her harrowing years in Egypt. For a Jew, Egypt evoked bright memories of a powerful God who had flattened a pharaoh’s army and brought liberation; now Mary fled there, desperate, a stranger in a strange land hiding from her own government. Could her baby, hunted, helpless, on the run, possibly fulfill the lavish hopes of his people?

Even the family’s mother-tongue summoned up memories of their underdog status: Jesus spoke Aramaic, a trade language closely related to Arabic, a stinging reminder of the Jews’ subjection to foreign empires.

Some foreign astrologers (probably from the region that is now Iraq) had dropped by to visit Jesus, but these men were considered “unclean” by Jews of the day. Naturally, like all dignitaries they had checked first with the ruling king in Jerusalem, who knew nothing about a baby in Bethlehem. After they saw the child and realized who he was, these visitors engaged in an act of civil disobedience: they deceived Herod and went home another way, to protect the child. They had chosen Jesus’ side, against the powerful.

Growing up, Jesus’ sensibilities were affected most deeply by the poor, the powerless, the oppressed — in short, the underdogs. Today, theologians debate the aptness of the phrase “God’s preferential option for the poor” as a way of describing God’s concern for the underdog. Since God arranged the circumstances in which to be born on planet earth — without power or wealth, without rights, without justice — his preferential options speak for themselves.

more to come …

sometimes I just break into song

Spontaneous song description of homeless fellow in the Santa hat panhandling at the intersection across from our car:

Santa beggar
You’re smellin’ pretty rummy; it’s true
You do
Had too many glasses of brew
Please, don’t come down my chimney tonight

Santa beggar
I see those gin blossoms from here
(spoken) Oh, dear
And that big wet stain on your rear
Just don’t come down my chimney tonight

Later that same day, as MB and I were rearranging some stuff around the house, we debated from different rooms about where something should go. We were getting nowhere. Finally … I was overcome by a seasonal ditty once AGAIN and managed to end the discussion with:

“Uhm, honey? ‘Let it go, let it go, let it GO-O-OOHHHH!!!'”

Okay. Something’s really wrong with me ….

birth: the visited planet, part 5

Continuing from Philip Yancey’s The Jesus I Never Knew. I love this particular section, love his illustrations here. I’m starting with a couple sentences from the last excerpt to help give this one more of a context:

After reading the birth stories once more, I ask myself, If Jesus came to reveal God to us, then what do I learn about God from that first Christmas?

The word associations that come to mind as I ponder that question take me by surprise. Humble, approachable, underdog, courageous — these hardly seem appropriate words to apply to deity.

Approachable. Those of us raised in a tradition of informal or private prayer may not appreciate the change Jesus wrought in how human beings approach deity. Hindus offer sacrifices at the temple. Kneeling Muslims bow down so low that their foreheads touch the ground. In most religious traditions, in fact, fear is the primary emotion when one approaches God. Certainly the Jews associated fear with worship. The burning bush of Moses, the hot coals of Isaiah, the extraterrestrial visions of Ezekiel — a person “blessed” with a direct encounter with God expected to come away scorched or glowing or maybe half-crippled like Jacob. These were the fortunate ones: Jewish children also learned stories of the sacred mountain in the desert that proved fatal to everyone who touched it. Mishandle the ark of the covenant, and you died. Enter the Most Holy Place, and you’d never come out alive.

Among people who walled off a separate sanctum for God in the temple and shrank from pronouncing or spelling out the name, God made a surprise appearance as a baby in a manger. What can be less scary than a newborn with his limbs wrapped tight against his body? In Jesus, God found a way of relating to human beings that did not involve fear.

In truth, fear had never worked very well. The Old Testament includes far more low points than high ones. A new approach was needed, a New Covenant, to use the words of the Bible, one that would not emphasize the vast gulf between God and humanity but instead would span it.

A friend of mine named Kathy was using a “Can you guess?” game to help her six-year-old learn the different animals. His turn: “I’m thinking of a mammal. He’s big and he does magic.” Kathy thought for a while and then gave up. “I don’t know.” “It’s Jesus!” said her son in triumph. The answer seemed irreverent at the time, Kathy told me, but later as she thought about it, she realized her son had hit upon an unsettling insight into the depths of incarnation: Jesus as a mammal!

I learned about incarnation when I kept a salt-water aquarium. Management of a marine aquarium, I discovered, is no easy task. I had to run a portable chemical laboratory to monitor the nitrate levels and the ammonia content. I pumped in vitamins and antibiotics and sulfa drugs and enough enzymes to make a rock grow. I filtered the water through glass fibers and charcoal, and exposed it to ultraviolet light. You would think, in view of all the energy expended on their behalf, that my fish would at least be grateful. Not so. Every time my shadow loomed above the tank they dove for cover into the nearest shell. They showed me one “emotion” only: fear. Although I opened the lid and dropped food on a regular schedule, three times a day, they responded to each visit as a sure sign of my designs to torture them. I could not convince them of my true concern. To my fish I was deity. I was too large for them, my actions too incomprehensible. My acts of mercy they saw as cruelty; my attempts at healing they viewed as destruction. To change their perceptions, I began to see, would require a form of incarnation. I would have to become a fish and “speak” to them in a language they could understand.

A human being becoming a fish is nothing compared to God becoming a baby. And yet according to the Gospels that is what happened at Bethlehem. The God who created matter took shape within it, as an artist might become a spot on a painting or a playwright a character within his own play. God wrote a story, only using real characters, on the pages of real history. The Word became flesh.


more to come ….

birth: the visited planet, part 4

Continuing from Philip Yancey’s The Jesus I Never Knew.

The facts of Christmas, rhymed in carols, recited by children in church plays, illustrated on cards, have become so familiar that it is easy to miss the message behind the facts. After reading the birth stories once more, I ask myself, If Jesus came to reveal God to us, then what do I learn about God from that first Christmas?

The word associations that come to mind as I ponder that question take me by surprise. Humble, approachable, underdog, courageous — these hardly seem appropriate words to apply to deity.

Humble. Before Jesus, almost no pagan author had used “humble” as a compliment. Yet the events of Christmas point inescapably to what seems like an oxymoron: a humble God. The God who came to earth came not in a raging whirlwind nor in a devouring fire. Unimaginably, the Maker of all things shrank down, down, down, so small as to become an ovum, a single fertilized egg barely visible to the naked eye, an egg that would divide and redivide until a fetus took shape, enlarging cell by cell inside a nervous teenager. “Immensity clothed in thy dear womb,” marveled the poet John Donne. He “made himself nothing … he humbled himself,” said the apostle Paul more prosaically.

I remember sitting one Christmas season in a beautiful auditorium in London listening to Handel’s Messiah, with a full chorus singing about the day when “the glory of the Lord shall be revealed.” I had spent the morning in museums viewing remnants of England’s glory — the crown jewels, a solid gold ruler’s mace, the Lord Mayor’s gilded carriage — and it occurred to me that just such images of wealth and power must have filled the minds of Isaiah’s contemporaries who first heard that promise. When the Jews read Isaiah’s words, no doubt they thought back with sharp nostalgia to the glory days of Solomon, when “the king made silver as common in Jerusalem as stones.”

The Messiah who showed up, however, wore a different kind of glory, the glory of humility. “‘God is great,’ the cry of the Muslims, is a truth which needed no supernatural being to teach men,” writes Father Neville Figgis. “That God is little, that is the truth which Jesus taught man.” The God who roared, who could order armies and empires about like pawns on a chessboard, this God emerged in Palestine as a baby who could not speak or eat solid food or control his bladder, who depended on a teenager for shelter, food, and love.

In London, looking toward the auditorium’s royal box where the queen and her family sat, I caught glimpses of the more typical way rulers stride through the world: with bodyguards, and a trumpet fanfare, and a flourish of bright clothes and flashing jewelry. Queen Elizabeth II had recently visited the United States, and reporters delighted in spelling out the logistics involved: Her four thousand pounds of luggage included two outfits for every occasion, a mourning outfit in case someone died, forty pints of plasma, and white kid leather toilet seat covers. She brought along her own hairdresser, two valets, and a host of other attendants. A brief visit of royalty to a foreign country can easily cost twenty million dollars.

In meek contrast, God’s visit to earth took place in an animal shelter with no attendants present and nowhere to lay the newborn king but a feed trough. Indeed, the event that divided history, and even our calendars, into two parts may have had more animal than human witnesses. A mule could have stepped on him. “How silently, how silently the wondrous gift is given.”

For just an instant the sky grew luminous with angels, yet who saw that spectacle? Illiterate hirelings who watched the flocks of others, “nobodies” who failed to leave their names. Shepherds had such a randy reputation that proper Jews lumped them together with the “godless,” restricting them to the outer courtyards of the temple. Fittingly, it was they whom God selected to help celebrate the birth of one who would be known as the friend of sinners.

In Auden’s poem the wise men proclaim, “O here and now our endless journey stops.” The shepherds say, “O here and now our endless journey starts.” The search for worldly wisdom has ended; true life has just begun.

more to come …

christmas memory lane

(Remember this, peeps? From Christmas 2004 ….. uhm, how do I get myself into these situations?)

So, I’m going to hell. Yesterday, I had a phone conversation with my 4-year-old niece where I pretended to be Santa Claus.

Yup. And this blog is now my cyber confessional.

Here’s the scene: My sister and I were on the phone. In the background, I heard Piper saying she wanted to "talk on da phone." Now, she didn’t know who my sister was talking to, and once she said hello, something …. happened to me. I spontaneously, inexplicably found myself saying, in the single WORST man-voice imitation of all time, "Ho Ho Ho! Pii-perrr …. this is Saaanntaa!"

(When I re-enacted it later for My Beloved, he couldn’t look directly at me. He simply cringed and declared, "Uhh, you sound more like a ghost. Or the Movie Phone guy.")

But it’s TRUE. I DID.

So I truly thought there was no chance — NO CHANCE — that she’d fall for it. Of course, the jig would be up instantly. I mean, I’d never been able to fool her with a "voice" before. But then there was an audible gasp on the other end of the phone. I waited for her to say, chidingly, "Tee Tee, I know it’s you." But she didn’t. Her little, speech-classed voice excitedly said:

"Santa?! Hi, Santa!"

(Ohhhhhh, nooo. Flames of hell tickling my toes.)

I had a split second to decide. I was so sure she’d already be laughing at me and saying, "You so funny, Tee Tee." But once I realized she was actually believing me, I had to keep going. I mean, what was I going to DO? Stop in the face of such excitement and lamely say, "Ha ha ha. Just kidding, Piper"?

So girding my dubious wits for this festive fraud, I bellowed:

"Have you been a good girl, Pii-perrr?"

"Oh, yes, Santa. I be good," she breathed.

"Well, why don’t you tell Sanntaa what you want for Christmas?"

Holy MOLY, I sounded stupid. The hellfires were spreading. So was the sweat. At that point, I just prayed that she’d keep believing.

She said something I couldn’t quite make out, so I just replied:

"Welll, o-kaaay. Sanntaa is writing that down. What else do you want for Christmas, Pii-perrr?"

I almost cried when she said, simply, "Dust a toy."

I had to pause to take a breath.

"What kind of toy, Pii-perrr?"

"Dust a toy," she repeated.

I told her I was writing that down, too. I was about to lose it. I wasn’t sure if I’d melt into tears or laughter, but one of them was imminent.

"So, Pii-perrr, are you going to leave Sanntaa some cookies to eat?"

"Oh, yes, Santa. I wiw!"

"Ho Ho OHH, that’s good. Sanntaa likes cookies!"

(Seriously, Movie Phone guy, watch out.)

"Okay," she said softly.

Finally, I said, "O-kaay, Pii-perrr. I’m coming to your house on Christmas Eve. But you need to be asleep. Okaaay, Pii-perrr?"

"Oh, yes, Santa. I be sweeping for shore."

"That’s good. You make Sanntaa verry haappy. HO HO HO! Bye Bye, Pii-perrr!"

Oh …. Sweet …. Lord …. forgive …. me. Fraud over, I collapsed back on the sofa to catch my breath. My sister was back on the line.

"Oh, thank you for calling, Santa." I could tell she was stifling laughter. She was gently coaxing Piper to leave the room so we could talk, but apparently, my niece was frozen in place, a wide-eyed, open-mouthed statue.

I told my sister, "Tell her Santa needs to talk to mommy about some Christmas surprises." (Refer to forgiveness plea above.)

She did, and Piper bolted from the room. My sister was in hysterics.

"How did you do that without laughing?"

"I don’t know!" I wailed.

"I could hear you. That was the worst voice I’ve ever heard you do."

"I know!" I wailed.

"All those years of acting and THAT’S what you come up with?"

"I KNOW!" I wailed.

It’s true — it was simultaneously the best AND worst performance I’d ever done.

"Well, I don’t know how she bought it, but she did. Her eyes were bugging out of her head."

My sister called this morning with news of the aftermath of SantaScam 2004. Apparently, immediately after the phone call, my elated niece insisted on calling her Nana and Pop-Pop to tell them Santa had called. She’s also quite adamant about the cookies. My sister tried to fob off some fudge on Santa, but Piper would have none of it. "No, Mommy. Santa wants cookies. He tole me. He tole me!"

I know. I know. Santa’s going to hell.

And without any cookies, too.

fingers crossed

Okay. I don’t know if I’ll be able to swing it, but I’m hoping to put up some excerpts from The Christmas Show. THE Christmas Show I did a couple years ago when I was teaching performing arts at the la-di-da private Christian school. I talked about it here. (Actually, haven’t finished part 2 of that yet. Ah, well. It’s hard to write about. My heart was so broken.)

Anyway, MB is working on converting the DVD to the correct file types for uploading onto YouTube. If it all works out, I’ll start putting up some of my favorite video excerpts from the show for Christmas week — next week! I’m kind of excited about putting it all together for you. It’s a slightly different kind of little kid Christmas show.

So stay tuned …

Hope I’m not blowing it by speaking too soon! I couldn’t help myself.

But I’m still crossing my fingers.

angels

I started to decorate our tree tonight. I say “started” because I usually futz about with it for a few days. Ridiculous, I know, but I love it.

From the early days of our marriage — when we had nothing but love — to now — when we have nothing but love, I’ve made nearly all of the ornaments on our tree. They’re mostly made from — paper, what else??

As I unwrap my old paper friends, I spread them around me and sit among them. I sit and remember making them. I remember being happy making them. Or I remember being sad and still making them because I needed to climb into a different place in my head, a place walled off from sorrow where some kind of creative spark still flickered, however weakly.

So I remember these angels, from, oh, about 6 years ago. A terrible, sad year for us. Desperate, really.

But when Christmas rolled around I needed — felt compelled — to make something for the tree … end the year differently. Somehow. In whatever small and primal way. So I sat down one weekend with paper, paint, and scissors — like a kid — and crafted some rather naive folk-art style angels. I don’t think I moved from that spot the entire weekend. I was suspended in some sheltered place in my head where there was only snipping and brushing, snipping and brushing. Soothing, for that fleeting period of time, some remote, aching places in my heart.

Welcome to our tree, little angels. I remember you.

(just a few of them here…)
angel9.jpg

angel12.jpg

angel61.jpg

angel7.jpg

angel10.jpg

angel11.jpg