Month: February 2005

Last Sunday at church, two women offered to pray for me. We were talking and I mentioned something I’ve been struggling with. One of them stopped and said, “Well, let’s pray for you right now. Would that be all right?” I’m always surprised, I guess, when I see the Church being the Church, when I see people being the hands and heart of Jesus. Maybe I need to stop being so surprised, you might say. But maybe …. maybe it needs to stop being so surprising ….

Have you heard about The Anchoress’ 15-year-old son, Buster? Well, go over there and read his funny, insightful commentary on last night’s SOTU address. Whatever your personal politics may be, you gotta love a kid of such sparkling intelligence. Reading The Anchoress and her son is like a personal Fourth of July celebration — crackling, exhilarating, and slightly dangerous. And who doesn’t love that?

I’m going to admit something. I have a freakish fixation with the show “American Idol.” I hate to mention it, realizing as I do that it calls into question my entire credibility as a human being. Maybe it’s my own experience with screwy, scary theatre auditions that animates this sick fascination. So just in case you’re inexplicably obsessed, too, I thought I’d try to blog a run-down of tonight’s show for you. Don’t know how well I’ll do, watching and blogging. It’ll be a sort of stream-of-consciousness experiment. But here we go, from Cleveland and Orlando:

So …. Jackie Crum is up first. She “loves” Paula. The singing starts. Umm, it’s strange sounding. Helium-ish. But they like her …. kinda. She’s through. She jumps up and down, runs out to the lobby. (Ohh …. ouch …. a piercing scream of joy, which is actually more melodious.)

Sarah Keller — She has a karaoke biz. (Uh-oh.) Singing “I Could Have Danced All Night” from “My Fair Lady.” This is Hollywood, sweetie, not Broadway. When, oh when are people gonna learn the difference? Simon says, “It’s the way you look that’s putting us off.” (She’s quite overweight.) He says she has a good voice, but it’s that kind of business. She takes it amazingly well.

Next up … Big, big guy named Scott Savol . He thoroughly sucks up to everybody. He’s a rather muttery bloke with no discernible personality. Singing “Superstar” — a song I LOVE. Truly Shocking. This weird guy can actually SING. He mutters when he talks, but SINGS when he sings. Sweet Moses! It’s freaky. That voice coming out of that person. Judges say it’s a YES. Good for you, muttery weird guy!

Oh, Lord. Are you kidding me? A mime. How I loves the mimes. She’s holding up a sign. And now …. she’s miming Aerosmith. Because nothing says “Aerosmith” like white face and total silence. Way to go, hon. You’ve offended the iconic artistry of both Steven Tyler and Marcel Marceau. (And I’m actually bugged about the Steven Tyler one.) Simon says, “One of the best I’ve heard today.” Bye-bye, Mimey.

Okay. Here’s Farm Boy Pat doing, “Smile,” a lovely, lovely classic. He’s wearing faded overalls, which create a real aura of elegance and sophistimication. Um, he’s too boy bandy for me, but Randy says, “Dude, you can BLOW.” The 12-year-old girls will like him. And probably his overalls. He’s in.

Giant twin sisters. LaShunda is first. Don’t know this song. Don’t LIKE this song. No, thank you, they say. LeAndra, the sis, is next. “Summertime”. (Oh, don’t do it. You’d better be able to sing it, baby.) And …. no, she’s murdering it. And, Lordy, how it’s killing me — the croaking is contagious! An absolute classic, DE-STROYED. Vesuvius was kinder in its destruction.

Breanna Davis. Blue hair. Black and white striped vest, red and black striped shirt. Rainbow skirt. Black tights. Getting the picture? Singing “The Phantom of the Opera,” Very, very, very hard to sing. Very, very, very wrong for Hollywood. Wow. I think this is the highest key I’ve ever heard it sung in. And that’s saying something. She CAN sing. Go to Broadway, honey. Or get some further classical training. That’s your voice. Seriously. But, well, shut my mouth …. they say she’s through to Hollywood. Hmmm ….

Here comes a blond version of Clay Aiken, Jr. — Anthony. Singing “Angel” by Jon Secada. Wow. Another geek with a golden voice. He apparently had a tracheotomy and the docs said he’d never talk again. Nice story. They love him. He’s in.

(On to Orlando)

Marissa Ganz. Pretty blonde in verrry short skirt. Singing “White Boys” from the musical “Hair.” Really hard song — and her version? Well, let’s just say she doesn’t make it sound easy. Truly “hair”raising. Oh, and just when you think she’s done, she starts up. Again. Judges say “Wow.” (But not in that good, wowie-zowie way.) They say, “You want to do musicals?” “Yes,” she says. Simon says, “Based on that, I’d do plays.” Touche.

Here’s a young gal screaming “The Greatest Love of all” The greatest love of all is not happening to me. Ahhh …. She’s done. And done.

Some guy singing that song by The Darkness “I Believe in a Thing Called Love.” I think it’s funny. Gets the operatic parts pretty spot on. Entertaining, but no.

Vonzell Solomon, pretty black girl, singing Aretha, “Chain of Fools.” Oh, you go, girl. Think I already know how this’ll turn out. Yep. I’m just predictin’ here: She’s in. (And …. judges say yes and yes and yes.) Well, I be darned — I’z riiight.

Here’s Desmond Meese. He’s “a’dancin’.” “I can’t help it,” he says. Singing James Brown, “I Feel Good.” Hmmm. Not crazy ’bout him. Working it too hard. Trying to be James Brown — not a good idea. Randy says no. Simon says, “Sounds like you work at Magic Mountain to me.” Paula is (sniff) “devastated.” She’s (sniff sniff) “fighting for him.” (I say no no no no.) “Have you ever seen me this upset?” says Paula. Simon says, “Yes.” Randy changes his mind. Dancin’ Desmond is in (for now). Paula gets (sniff) teary. Puh-leaze.

And… (whew) That’s All Folks ….