September 9, 2011

-image-“if you like pianos ….”

I rewatched “The Piano” on Netflix last weekend. Out of curiosity, after I was done watching it, I perused the Netflix reviews. Somewhere along the line, one of the reviews basically said, “If you like pianos, you’ll love The Piano!”

And I just laughed out loud. If you like pianos, you’ll love The Piano? I mean, my parents like pianos, but they would definitely not like The Piano. Which reminds me to tell my dad he’s not allowed to put that in his queue. I’m pretty sure he’s never seen a woman naked so I see no reason to open that can of worms now.

So what kind of review is that? The irrelevant useless kind, I say. But while the review itself was useless as a review, I’m grateful because it sparked a whole new game for MB and I to play in the car:

Irrelevant Movie Reviews.

By way of explanation, I’ll just give you some of our Irrelevant Movie Reviews and you’ll see the game. Please feel free to add your own.

“If you like sleds, you’ll love Citizen Kane!

“If you like red coats, you’ll love Schindler’s List!”

“If you like whistles, you’ll love The Sound of Music!”

“If you like orange wedges, you’ll love The Godfather Part II!”

“If you like stupid little birds you hide in your pocket, you’ll love The Shawshank Redemption!”

And ’round and ’round we went with this. Granted, the piano in The Piano is much more integral to the story than the items named in our reviews — I actually consider it a character in the movie — but that’s why it just got funnier and funnier to us — because it just got more and more stupid.

I really hope to start a nationwide trend. There aren’t enough Irrelevant Movie Reviews, if you ask me.

March 31, 2011

-image-nosy thursday-almost-friday survey: titles

I don’t know what else to call this survey but “titles.”

So I’ve come up with a series of questions about the titles we have in one another’s lives: mom, dad, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa. You know, just …. titles. I have lingering questions regarding “titles” in my life and the lives of others and I want to get some opinions. Or maybe I’m just a weirdo who thinks about these things and no one else really gives a rip. Who knows?

(And actually, only one of the scenarios below applies to me. Others have happened to people I know.)

Instructions (as usual): Copy and paste questions into the comment box.

1. Agree/Disagree: I think it is okay to call people who are not actually my aunt or uncle by the title “Aunt” or “Uncle” So and So.

2. Agree/Disagree: I think it’s okay for my children to do the same thing.

3. T/F: My kids actually do call — or I would let them call — my friends by the title “Aunt” or “Uncle” So and So.

4. If you answered True, do/would these titles apply to all your friends? If not, why not?

5. If you answered False to #3, why don’t/wouldn’t you allow your kids to call your friends “Aunt” or “Uncle” So and So?

6. If you allow — or would allow — your kids to call your friends “Aunt” or “Uncle,” would you let them do this in the presence of their real aunt or uncle?

7. A step-parent scenario: Is is appropriate for a kid to call a step-parent “Mom” or “Dad”? I’m asking. I really don’t know.

8. Another step scenario: Your wife died. You’ve remarried. You have adult daughters who call your wife, their stepmom, “Mom.” There is less than 10 years’ difference in age between your new wife and your daughters. Calling her “Mom” — appropriate or not?

9. Does it dishonor your dead spouse to have your grown kids call your new spouse “Mom” or “Dad”?

10. What about younger kids? Is it okay for them to call your new spouse “Mom” or “Dad” if your first spouse is deceased?

11. Who decides what a step-parent is called? The bio parent or the step-parent? Or the kids??

12. A grandparent scenario: Your grown kids have no kids. You’re not a grandparent. You allow the kids of other people to call you “Grandma” and “Grandpa” in front of your adult childless kids. You really want to be grandma or grandpa, so is this okay or not okay?

13. Another grandparent scenario: Same parameters as above, but you list these same non-related kids as your “granddaughters” or “grandsons” on your Facebook page. Okay or not okay?

14. What is your philosophy of “titles”? I mean, who gets to call who what when there is no actual relation? (Horribly phrased, forgive me, but I think you know what I mean.) And who decides?

15. If a “title” hurts anyone in the process — and if you know it does — is that enough to stop using that title or is the title more important?

Thanks for taking another Nosy Friday Survey, pippa. I’m eager to read your thoughts.

January 24, 2011

-image-tracey’s list of 20 irredeemable critters

My list of 20 critters that would be discontinued in heaven, if I had my way.

Because they are past redemption. Beyond hope. I do not like them. For significant or flimsy reasons. It doesn’t matter. My hatred has no logic.

These are not terribly specific. Some are just broad categories, meaning I will most likely be intolerant of any version of this critter in my presence. I reserve the right to add to this list at any time, should some critter frighten or upset me or just bother me in irreparable fashion. (Actually, there are more, but let’s just go with 20 for now.)

In no particular order, they are:

1. Spiders

2. Camels

3. Hyenas

4. Sharks

5. Crocodiles/Alligators

6. Cockroaches

7. Rodents

8. Possums

9. Hairless cats

10. Hairless dogs

11. Chimpanzees

12. Crows

13. Any ugly bug-eyed fish from the deep deep bottom of the ocean. These were obviously made from leftover parts. Admit it, God.

14. Dung beetles

15. Chihuahuas

16. Komodo dragons

17. Snakes

18. Bats

19. Ear wigs

20. Warthogs

Please feel free to post your own similar list in the comments.

I feel better just saying it.

November 21, 2010

-image-nosy sleep survey

Oh, you know, it’s just me. Being nosy again.

(Remember to copy and paste the questions into the comments; otherwise, it’s harder to follow your answers, pippa. Thanks.)

So let’s talk about sleeping.

(Also, seems I forgot how to count. There is no #5. And I usually have no problems with 1-10. I ain’t fixing it. NF sweetly called my attention to it. I’m like, “Why isn’t he answering #5??”)

1. What is your optimal number of sleep hours per night?

2. How many hours do you typically get?

3. You are lying in a big bed. Are you — or would you want to be — on the “driver’s side” or “passenger’s side” of the bed?

4. Kids in the bed with you — yes or no?

6. Pets in the bed with you — yes or no?

7. Did you sleep with any stuffed animals when you were a kid? If so, what were they?

8. If you’re having a sleepless night, what do you do to help you sleep?

9. What size is your bed?

10. What is your favorite kind of sheet? (100% cotton, blend, satin, etc.)

11. On the bottom sheet — flat with hospital corners or a fitted sheet?

12. Do you have a memory foam mattress topper and, if so, will you give it to me?

13. Please describe your bed in lurid detail — colors, patterns, pillows, etc.

14. Just for bed adornment now — how many pillows is just right? How many is too many?

15. How many pillows do you like to sleep with?

16. Describe your ideal bedroom atmosphere for sleeping. For instance, do you like a cool room? Warm room? Really dark? Some peeking light? Etc.?

17. What or where is the best sleep you’ve ever had outside a bedroom?

18. How old were you when you graduated from a crib or bed with rails to a real bed?

19. If someone in the bed has a problem that keeps the other awake — snoring, jimmy legs, etc. — who should leave the bed? The person doing the bugging or the person being bugged?

20. TV in the bedroom — yes or no?

21. Do you wake to an alarm? If so, what is the sound?

22. Does your bedroom door have a lock on it?

23. Do you have summer bedding and winter bedding?

24. Women: Do you sleep in jammies, nightgown, underwear, or ….. you know ….

25. Men: Same question. (And, yes, please tell me if you wear a nightgown. Thank you.)

Okay. That’s all for now. I could ask endless questions on this topic, but I’ll save them for another time.

Thank you for participating in another Nosy Survey!

September 16, 2010

-image-nosy survey: gifts and presents

Let’s say you’re a person and you have relatives and, at some point in your life, you’ve given these relatives gifts. Birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, Sorry I Recommended Rear Window gifts.

Does this scenario pretty much apply to everyone?

Okay. I have some questions then.

Copy and paste into comment window as per usual Nosy Survey practice.

1. When you were growing up, which family members received gifts from you, if any?

2. How were these gifts procured? Were they purchased? Home made?

3. What’s the best gift you think you ever gave to someone whilst you were growing up?

4. What is the worst “gift crime” you ever committed, i.e. snooping around, blabbing a surprise, secretly opening presents?

5. Am I the only one who got $5 birthday checks from Gramma? What’s the most Gramma ever ponied up for your birthday?

6. What age were you when your parents stopped giving you birthday gifts, if they ever have/did?

7. Do you think parents should stop giving birthday and Christmas gifts when their kids reach a certain age and what age would that be, in your opinion?

8. Are gift cards an acceptable gift in your family? (My mom is offended by them.)

9. Okay. You’re an aunt or uncle. Do you give birthday and Christmas presents to your nephews and nieces?

10. And ….. now the reason for this entire survey: Should aunts and uncles stop giving said gifts to nephews and nieces at some point? And, if yes, what point (age of kid) would that be??

Thank you for participating in my nosy survey, pippa.

You can see the questions that consume my fevered brain. I clearly ain’t thinking no lofty thoughts.

September 1, 2010

-image-word ladder

A game to play to while away the work hours.

Send word ladder combos in emails to your work colleagues! Well, unless your email is monitored! Then I’m sorry, your job sucks! Work them in your cubicle while the boss is or isn’t looking, depending on how much you like or care about your job!

S’fun and s’guaranteed not to get you fired. But what do I know about anything? I don’t even get HIRED because of my prejudice against puppets. Because I’m a puppetist? A puppist? A puppophobe? Whatevs. Because I hate puppets.

Okay.

The rules are simple: Pick any two four-letter words, and by changing one letter at a time, turn the first word into the second. The catch is that each variation has to also be a word.

For example:

Atom → Bomb:
atom, atop, stop, slop, slob, blob, boob, bomb.

Oreo → Milk:
oreo, ores, ares, ales, alms, aims, dims, dams, dame, dime, mime, mile, milk.

Eels → Sand:
eels, ells, elms, alms, arms, arts, ares, area, aria, arid, grid, grad, goad, good gold, gild, mild, mind, rind, rand, sand.

For competition, see who can solve a set the fastest, or who can make the fewest permutations. You can try five letter words, pippa, but don’t come crying to me if you slit your wrists over it.

Here are a few to try:

Keys → Lock
Drum → Toms
Holy → Oven

Happy changing!

July 29, 2010

-image-fun brain games

I just found this new site. Sign up for a free account to access the brain games. S’fun! S’addicting!

Click on “games” and then pick the kind of game you’d like to play. I’m currently slitting my wrists over the Face Memory Workout. Seems like it will be easy and then you need to kill yourself.

So have FUN slitting your wrists with me, pippa!

April 8, 2010

-image-who, what, where

Cara reminded me on her blog that a few months ago, she’d felt blocked in her writing, emailed me for any exercises I might have, and I’d given her one called Who? What? Where? It’s basically a modification of an acting improv. I’ve done it a lot myself over the years and I’ve used it on my kids in my past drama classes and camps.

The exercise would basically go like this:

I’d have each student write down a who, a what, and a where on three separate slips of paper and then I’d place them in three separate bowls. Two students would volunteer to improv, pick their slips from the bowls, and then do the improv based on what they got.

Oh, for instance:

Who: Two old ladies (funnier if two guys picked it, which happened sometimes)

What: An ostrich

Where: At the beach

And hilarity would ensue, you see.

So I dug through my emails and found the actual list I’d sent to Cara. I wrote it without stopping to think, just wrote the first who/what/wheres that popped into my head. I share them with you now, pippa, if you want to play the game on your own or leave a story in the comments. Write them out on slips of paper. Keep them in separate piles. Then pick one from each pile: a who, a what, and a where.

Heeeere they are …..

(Well, I changed one “Who” because it was really a “Who” and a “Where”)

WHO:

1.  Marilyn Monroe

2.  Man in a wheelchair

3.  Nancy Pelosi

4.  An electrician

5.  An albino child

6.  Siamese twins

7.  A phone sex operator

8.  Tyra Banks’ personal trainer

9.  A cult leader

10.  A world-class chess player

WHAT:

1.  A coin purse

2.  An abacus

3.  A golf cart

4.  A baby elephant

5.  A fur coat

6.  A banjo

7.  A box of sparklers

9.  An allergy to something

10  A  rosary

WHERE:

1.  A cemetery

2.  A monastery

3.  A yurt in Mongolia (okay, that’s a what and where — oops!)

4.  A mannequin factory

5.  A snow cave

6.  An artist’s retreat

7.  A wedding reception

8.  A dog grooming business

9.  A funeral home

August 21, 2009

-image-one word answer

The Rules: Uh, the answer has to be one word.

I think I got this from Sheila several months ago. And sometimes, you’re just feeling lazy.

1. Where is your cell phone? Table
2. Your significant other? Working
3. Your hair? Ponytail
4. Your mother? Haunted
5. Your father? Dreamer
6. Your favorite time of day? Dusk
7. Your dream last night? Longing
8. Your favorite drink? Coffee
9. Your dream goal? Meaning
10. The room you’re in? Bedroom
11. Your fear? Alone
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Elsewhere
14. What you are not? Tan
15. Your Favorite meal? Asian
16. One of your wish list items? Trust
17. The last thing you did? Dinner
18. Where you grew up? SD
19. What are you wearing? Jeans
20. Your TV is? Old
21. Your pets? No
22. Your computer? Mac
23. Your life? Alien
24. Your mood? Perplexed
25. Missing someone? Always
26. Your car? Dependable
27. Something you’re not wearing? Nosy
28. Favorite store? Online
29. Your summer? Sticky
30. Your favorite colour? Red
31. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier
32. When is the last time you cried? Yesterday
33. Your health? Good
34. Your children? Missing
35. Your future? Dubious
36. Your beliefs? Tested
37. Young or old? Mid-ish
38. Your image? Invisible
39. Your appearance? Visible
40. Would you live your life over again knowing what you know? Unsure

July 3, 2009

-image-nosy friday survey: a mall theme

I was just at the mall — the holiday weekend mall — and at one point I literally had to escape to a dressing room just so I could curl up into fetal position and have some me time. I didn’t have anything to try on; I just needed some alone time to, you know, quiver and suck my thumb. I do this frequently because I am prone to flappy-armed anxiety when there are just too many people around. Really, they’re not so much dressing rooms to me as my personal and momentary studio apartment. So that’s nice.

You see, I hate the mall and I hate shopping and I really don’t know when that all began for me but that attitude seems to be here to stay. If you feel the same as I do, I really recommend the dressing room/studio apartment escape tactic. You just sit there or — bonus — lie down if there’s a bench and ignore all the gammies who come banging on the door because they are desperate to try on their elastic jewel-toned pants. You just tell ’em, “Gammie! They’re elastic! Eeeeelaaasssticccc. Trust me, they’ll fit! If they don’t, you need to embrace the muumuu and that’s a whole different department!”

You know, because I think it’s important to be helpful while you’re being selfish. You just feel better about yourself, which I’m pretty sure is what life is all about.

So with my mall hatred fresh in mind, I have some questions for you:

(Copy and paste into comments — the usual instructions, pippa.)

1) What’s the worst thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?

2) What’s the best thing to have to shop for in the mall and why?

3) What’s your least favorite item of clothing to have to try on? Why?

4) For that matter, do you even try on clothes or do you just purchase and take your chances, figuring you can return them later?

5) T/F: I have purchased clothing to wear one time and then returned it. (I won’t judge you. Openly. To myself, oh, yes, I will, you hooligan. Otherwise, no, I love you, of course.)

6) Men: Do you sit in those limbo chairs whilst your wife tries on clothes and try to think of nice things to say about the crap she models for you or do you go elsewhere when she does that?

7) Women: Do you or would you make your man sit in those limbo chairs whilst you try on clothes? If so, uhm, WHY??? (I have no opinion on this.)

8) Men: T/F I feel completely comfortable in Victoria’s Secret or the lingerie section of any department store.

9) Fill in the blank: A trip to the mall should be no longer than _____________.

10) If you hate the mall, how do you make a trip there more bearable?

11) Women: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?

12) Men: Do you let your friends in the dressing room with you?

13) If you go to a mall that has a food court, where would you usually eat? I’m not talking a hostess-leads-you-to-a-table restaurant. I’m talking food court, baby.

14) What is your favorite store in your local mall?

15) T/F: I have had sex in a store dressing room. (Hey, it’s an anthropological question. It’s all for science, I swear.)

Thank you for taking my Mall Survey and I’m sorry, so very sorry, if you find yourself visiting a mall this holiday weekend. Stay home and read the Constitution instead.

Happy Fourth of July, everyone!

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