MB to me:
“You’re like a bucket of popcorn shrimp! You just keep making me happy!”
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Describing an old Beanhouse customer we saw on the boulevard:
“Ugh. He was the grumpiest man alive. Like he was made of onions or something.”
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Baby Banshee, wondering where her cousin, Younger Nephew, is:
“Tee Tee, where dat guy dat goes wid da doggie?”
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Submitting to “The Hypnosis Game” as played by The Banshee and Piper.
BANSHEE: Okay, Tee Tee. Watch this necklace.
TEE TEE: Okay.
BANSHEE: You’re getting sleepy, okay?
TEE TEE: Uhm, sure.
BANSHEE: Well, you ARE getting sleepy, Tee Tee!
TEE TEE: Yes, ma’am.
PIPER: When I clap my hands, you will wake up and you will be our servant.
TEE TEE: That’s a bummer.
BANSHEE: Tee Tee! You’re asleep!
TEE TEE: Yes, ma’am.
BANSHEE: And …… you won’t be our servant, you’ll be our …… BEAUTIFUL LADY!!
TEE TEE: Nice save, Banshee.
Piper claps her hands.
BANSHEE: Hellooo, BEAUTIFUL LADY!!
TEE TEE: What’s up?
BANSHEE: Now go get us some cake!
“I’m not taking care of myself because I’m living from my blah and not my beauty.”
~ overheard in the bookstore where two old Jewish ladies were talking
I have rarely heard anything more wise.
A woman in a restaurant, speaking with a broad Texas twang.
“My family is all over Texas. My brothers’ ex-wives have taken over whole towns with their bitterness.”
Coupla dudes, just talkin. Not about me, I feel the need to add.
MB: She wears like a size 11 shoe.
(pause)
FRIEND: She must have a HUGE penis.
For reasons I can’t explain — or rather, won’t – the phrase/song of the week has been:
“Her burp cloth brings all the boys to the yard.”
I blame MB. It’s his fault. As usual.
We are watching “You’ve Got Mail.”
ME: Did you hear that lyric?? “I’ve been around the world, had my pickle in a girl”????
HE: Hon, I think it was “Had my pick of any girl.”
ME: Oh.
HE: Yeah.
(After mentioning someone old before his time.)
HIM: Dude, it’s called Touch of Gray™ not Shock of Old.
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HIM: So you have two kids but you’re not married? Sheesh. Put a ring on that cervix.
That man is out of control these days. He’s some kind of crazy grouchaholic now and I must really be weird because I think IT IS AWESOME.
We are driving past two dudes running together. Generally, dudes in our neighborhood don’t run together unless they’re, uhm, really together. I notice their calves because I always notice calves because MB has the best calves I’ve ever seen in my life.
ME: They both have pretty nice calves. Not as nice as yours, though.
HE: Well, being gay gives you lots of time to work out.
ME: So you’re saying it’s a time saver?
HE: Yeah. “I was really pressed for time so I decided to become gay.”
“You have to look at Outing Person like Old Yeller at the end of the movie. He was good for a time and then … he got the rabies and it was over for Old Yeller. He just wasn’t any good for anyone. And his best friend had to shoot him in the head.”
Hahahahahahahaha.
He speaks my language, that man.
Last night, MB and I were reliving days of yore. You know, the Perky Bob lunch dilemma of five months ago. We were applauding ourselves for our choices, telling ourselves how smart we were, etc. The basic stuff that glues a marriage together. At one point, he said, “Well, it’s like we all learned from Oprah: NEVER let yourself be taken to the second location.”
The man is a sage.
